


Shoreline

by Ciprus



Category: Wentworth (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fix-It, Past Abuse, Post-Season/Series 04 Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-09
Updated: 2017-02-24
Packaged: 2018-08-07 17:57:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 77,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7724242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ciprus/pseuds/Ciprus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bea wakes up in hospital, and a new kind of struggle awaits her and Allie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is basically my therapy after S4. I needed to have my hope restored, so here we are. This will be a multi-chapter fic. Not sure how long yet. Stick around and see. :) All mistakes are my own, no beta.

—

She dreams of warm sand between her toes, and an endless ocean cascading in over the shoreline, burying her feet deep in the sand. It’s such peaceful place. She is filled with the most wonderful calm.

She is not alone. Someone she loves is standing next to her.

—

The fluorescent light hits Bea’s eyeballs like a sledgehammer and she squeezes her eyes shut in shock. The remains of her dream is blurring with the unavoidable present. The temporary loss of her sight makes her disoriented. Her surroundings are eerily quiet, except for a distant buzzing sound, and there is a faint smell of rubber and disinfectant hovering in the air.  
   
Her mouth is dry. She scrapes her tongue against the roof of her mouth. It tastes like copper. Her arms feel heavy and not like her own.  
   
Where the hell is she?  
   
She covers her eyes with her numbed hand and angles her head to look around the room, her sight slowly adjusting to the blinding lights above. A burly screw she doesn’t immediately recognize is sleeping on a chair in a corner.

It’s a hospital.  
   
A faint stab of pain ripples in her abdomen. She gasps, and it all comes rushing back. The screwdriver, Ferguson...   
   
_Allie._

Her heart goes immediately cold as it dawns on her.  
   
“No”, she croaks, her voice small in the huge room.  
   
She’s still here.

_Why the fuck_ is she still here?!  
   
“No!” she moans. _“No!”_ Soon she is screaming at the top of her lungs, the sounds coming out of her barely human.  
   
The screw is by her side, trying to restrain her flailing arms that are ripping at all the wires coming out of her body. “Nurse!” he bellows, and she clocks him right in the nose.  
   
The pain in her stomach is acute now that she’s moving. She doesn’t care. It cannot cancel out the agony of the realization that she is still here, while Allie will never be again.   
   
She doesn’t know where she wants to go, just away from here. Just right out the bloody window.  
   
But she cannot get away. The screw is bleeding profusely, but he is effectively pinning her down to the bed. Her body has been drained, all her strength has run away from her, but that doesn’t stop her from struggling. She just needs everything to stop.

People in scrubs come rushing in. “Calm down love, you’re going to hurt yourself”, she hears someone say underneath her own howls of despair. “We’re going to sedate you now, okay?”  
   
As she feels the sting of the needle and her body slacken against the mattress, all she can hear is her own distant voice saying “No. No. No.”  
   
—  
   
The next time she drifts awake, her head is throbbing. It takes her a while to come to. She cannot quite reach all the corners of her mind. It’s like wading through thick layers of quicksand. But then she remembers Allie slumped on the shower room floor and that everything is over. Tears are already dripping down her cheeks.

When her eyes are finally able to focus, she finds Will Jackson looking at her from the foot of the bed.  
   
“Hey Smith. Good to see you.” He smiles slightly. “I’m sorry we had to cuff you to the bed. You fractured Hodgins’ nose last time you were up.”  
   
She turns her head away from him.  “Leave me alone.”

She feels like she might retch any second. How is it possible to hurt this much and not die from it? She had asked herself the same question over and over when Debbie died. She knows all too well that no matter how much she wants it to, this is an ache that doesn’t kill. It just festers on your flesh forever, scarring the soul beyond recognition.  
   
“Look, Bea…”  
   
“Just _go away_.” She starts sobbing helplessly. “I’m not supposed to be here”, she cries. ”Why couldn’t you just let me die?  Why didn’t you just let me…” She buries her face in the pillow, the wracking sobs killing her intestines, but she cannot stop.  
   
“Bea. Bea!” Mr. Jackson is close now, cradling her head between his huge hands. “Listen to me.”  
   
She tries to half-heartedly push him away with her free hand, but she doesn’t have the strength.   
   
“Listen! Novak has been asking after you.”  
   
It’s so cruel, how can he say such a thing? “Fuck off,” she caws, and struggles to get out of his grip.  
   
“Bea! She woke up two days ago.”  
   
“What?” Bea’s mind grinds to a complete halt. Is he lying just to fuck with her? But this is Mr. Jackson, and his face looks so honest… She wants to believe him so badly. “But, she… They said she wasn’t…”  
   
“She was in real bad shape. But she’s recovering. She’s in a ward a few floors above you, right now.”   
   
”She’s…” Bea keeps crying uncontrollably, unable to wrap her head around this new information. ”She’s going to survive?”  
   
”We had to restrain her to the bed when she heard you were here too.”  He looks at her, nothing but well meaning and kindness in his eyes. ”I think she’ll be just fine.” 

—


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series will mostly consist of shorter chapters like this one. Remember it's unbeta'ed, so please excuse the mistakes. :)

—

Bea has been fussing all morning, as much as you are able to fuss over yourself when you’re completely bedridden. There are tubes and wires sticking out of her whole body it feels like, and she had to forgo the shower for a sponge bath. She wishes she had been able to wash her hair. It’s strange to care about such vanities in her situation, but she doesn’t want to feel disgusting today.  
   
Because today, after days of begging from both ends, she will finally get to see Allie. Visits are strictly against regulation, of course, but Ms. Miles is escorting Allie for an x-ray and she has promised to let her come by Bea’s ward after. After much prodding, assurances of a hefty payment helped convince her.  
   
“Just don’t get any ideas”, Miles had warned. “Ten minutes. That’s all you get.”

Bea had accepted without complaints. All she needs is to see Allie, even for just a moment. To touch her, make sure that she’s okay. She doesn’t quite dare to believe it until she sees it with her own eyes.

She has fought against the need to use her morphine pump before Allie’s visit. She wants her mind all there, but she’s starting to regret it as her guts are twisting painfully. The anxiety probably isn’t helping. But all the discomfort and nervousness ebbs away when she sees Allie come around the corner huddled in a wheelchair pushed by Ms. Miles.

Allie looks startlingly fragile in her hospital gown. She has deep, dark circles under her eyes and her skin is so pale it’s nearly translucent. She’s wearing a nasal cannula connected to a small device buzzing on the side of the chair. The tired smile she is wearing is enough to light Bea’s heart ablaze.  
   
”Hi”, she sighs, and reaches for Allie’s outstretched hand. Bea clutches Allie’s trembling fingers and presses them to her mouth with quiet abandon. She lets her mouth slant over Allie’s wrist and revels in her pulse beating quickly under her lips. _Alive._ Her tears are dripping all over Allie’s skin. ”I didn’t think I’d ever see you again”, Bea chokes.  
   
With visible effort, Allie pushes herself out of the wheelchair, and covers Bea’s cheeks, eyelids, forehead and mouth with kisses. It’s so surreal, recovering something you thought was lost forever. Bea kisses Allie back with a reckless desperation that she doesn’t recognize. She holds onto her as tightly as she can with her unrestrained hand, overcome with need to keep her close. But Allie soon has to stop to take a staggering breath.  
   
”I’m sorry”, she wheezes, and sinks back into her chair. ”I’ve got the stamina of a 90-year old at the moment.”  
   
Bea can’t even speak, she’s so choked up. Allie looks like she’s been through nine circles of hell, but she’s _here_. Bea has never seen anyone more beautiful. She holds on to Allie’s arm for dear life, not daring to let go for even a second.  
   
”Hey”, Allie says softly, stroking Bea’s cheek. ”I’ve been so worried. How’d you feel?”  
   
Bea shrugs. ”Like I’ve been stabbed in the gut with a screwdriver. But other than that, I’ve never been better.” She actually laughs through the tears, feeling high with relief, not caring about the straining in her wounds. ”I’m so glad to see you.”

”Me too”, Allie whispers and kisses the knuckles on Bea’s hand. She lets her gaze sweep over Bea’s whole body. ”God. Look at what she’s done to you… That fucking bitch!” she says in heated anguish, shaking her head.  
   
”Yeah.” Bea doesn’t know what else to say. It’s too complicated.

”You know I didn’t OD, right?” Allie asks quietly. ”Because I wouldn’t-”

”I know.” Bea locks eyes with Allie. ”I know you wouldn’t.”

A tension Bea wasn’t aware of before seems to leave Allie’s face, she can almost see the weight leaving her shoulders. ”I was so scared you’d think that I’d gone to shoot up right after…” Allie snivels and wipes her eyes with the back of her hand. ”I don’t know what happened.”

”You don’t remember?”

”I’m not sure… No one’s told me anything. I think they all just assume I did it to myself. But I think someone came when I was in the shower.”

”It was Ferguson”, Bea says, almost spitting out the Freak’s name.

”Fuck”, Allie breathes. ”Is that why she…?” Allie makes a hand gesture towards Bea’s bandaged midsection.

Someday, Bea vows, she will tell Allie exactly what happened. But she can’t bring herself to do it today. ”We’ll talk about it later”, she whispers, with a pointed look in Ms. Miles direction. She is not quite out of earshot.

Allie nods.

”How are you feeling?” Bea asks softly.  
   
”Like I’ve aged at the speed of light.”  
   
”Well, you look beautiful.”  
   
Allie chuckles. ”Bullshit.” She squeezes Bea’s fingers. “Can you move at all?”  
   
“Not on my own. Takes two people to get me out of bed. I’ve just tried it the once so far.”  
   
Allie winches.  
   
“Does she have to be cuffed to the bed?” Allie turns to asks Ms. Miles, who have placed herself in between them and the door.  
   
“Flight risk.”  
   
“For fucks sake… Does it look like she’s going anywhere?”  
   
“She punched an officer in the face. Don’t push it Novak, I’m doing you a favor here”, Miles scoffs, but there’s no real bite to it.  
   
Allie turns back to Bea, amusement playing at the corner of her mouth. “Right. Been keeping busy, have you?”  
   
“They, ah…” Bea has to collect herself to be able to speak, but her voice shakes and wobbles. “They said you weren’t t going to make it. And I just…” She loses the battle against herself and starts crying in earnest. It’s a wonderful cry, really. It tears at her broken insides, but she’s got Allie there with her, alive, and she’s elated and terrified at the same time. And a little embarrassed at this display she’s putting on, but she can’t help it.  
   
Allie holds her through the sobs. It’s an awkward angle. Bea can’t sit and Allie can barely get out of the wheelchair, but they grasp at each other in every way they can. “We got pretty close, the both of us”, Allie says. ”But I’m gonna be fine. And so are you, okay?”  
   
Bea nods through the tears, relief and fear and what ifs flying through her mind. “I thought I’d lost you”, she chokes.  
   
“No way”, Allie murmurs. “Never gonna happen.”  
   
“I love you so much”, Bea says hoarsely, overcome with the need to tell Allie this to her face for the first time. She almost didn’t get a chance to. “I do. I love you.”  
   
Allie sucks in a breath and stares at Bea for long moments, happiness shining in her eyes. “I know that.” And Bea is awed, because of course Allie knows. Allie has known everything about her, right from the beginning. “And you know I love you too.”  
   
“Yeah”, Bea replies, because if there is one thing she has become certain of in the last weeks with Allie, it is that.  
   
“More than anything,” Allie says breathlessly. She sniffles and wipes at her eyes. Suddenly, there’s a shift in her demeanor. Bea can hear her lungs wheezing and she starts to visibly struggle for breath, her cheeks going impossibly paler.  
   
“You okay?” Bea asks, suddenly deadly afraid. She tries to sit up without succeeding when the pain shoots through her wounds. She feels utterly useless just laying there, watching Allie gasp for breath.  
   
“Mm.” Allie nods. She sags down in the chair, taking slow breaths through her nose and exhaling through her mouth. Her hand has gone cold and clammy, but she holds onto Bea with an iron grip.  
   
Ms. Miles comes closer, looking nervous. “Maybe we should get you back, Novak.”  
   
“Wait!” Allie gasps. She keeps breathing elaborately, locking eyes with Bea. “Don’t. Worry”, she manages, seeming to instinctually know that Bea needs the assurance. Her words come out in staccato puffs. “This. Happens. All the time. When I get. Emotional.”  
   
Bea tries to feel momentarily comforted by this. Allie is not dying, she’s recovering. She has to believe that. She doesn’t want Allie to see how petrified this all makes her, but she is pretty sure she is failing spectacularly.

They stay still for a while, Bea painting soothing patterns on Allie’s skin with her fingertips, listening to her elaborate breathing and just basking in her presence. She is over the moon to be with Allie again, but seeing her struggle so for every breath makes Bea’s heart bleed. She would do anything to relieve her of it and take it on herself, if it were possible. She wishes she weren’t confined to this bed, completely unable to do anything for her.

“Maybe you should rest”, Bea eventually murmurs. Even though she doesn’t want to let her go, she can see that Allie needs it. Allie shakes her head and tightens her grip on Bea’s restrained hand. “It’s all right, sweetheart. I’ll be right here when you feel better, yeah?”

Allie hesitates, but Ms. Miles comes closer, pointing to her watch. Their ten minutes are up.

”I so want to kiss you right now”, Allie rasps, “but I’m afraid it’ll kill us both.”  
   
It makes Bea smile. “Save your strength for later”, she whispers. She tickles Allie’s palm gently. “I’ll see you soon, Allie Cat.”  
   
Allie just touches her lips with her fingertips and presses them against the back of Bea’s hand, before getting wheeled away.

—


	3. Chapter 3

—

The days are scattered and tedious in hospital, and Bea spends a lot of time drifting in and out of sleep. She has regained some of her strength, but she is still so exhausted. The pain is really terrible at times and the morphine makes her drowsy. The only respite from laying in bed is her short walks in the hall a few times a day.

At least the nurses are friendly and make her feel like a normal person for once, even if some of them seemed a little scared of her at first. But as much as she appreciates them, she can’t wait to finally go to the bathroom by herself and not have to deal with them obsessing over her bowel movements.

A nurse called Jade is re-dressing her wounds. Bea doesn’t really want to look at them, so she has turned her face toward the window where she can see only sky.

”It’s looking good, Bea”, Jade says.

”Yeah?”

”You’re healing up nicely. And you’ll be happy to hear that Dr Taylor thinks you should try solids tomorrow.”

”Finally”, Bea sighs.

”Just remember to be careful, okay. Start light. Maybe a small piece of toast.”

”Anything I have to actually chew is fine by me.”

Jade chuckles. ”I hope you know how lucky you’ve been.”

Bea nods slightly as the nurse leaves the room. Her injuries had been serious, and from what she was told afterwards, she was moments from bleeding out. She doesn’t think of herself as lucky, but she _is_ glad to be living another day now that she knows Allie is going to be all right. Allie has given her something she thought was beyond her reach. Hope for tomorrow. Unfortunately, now that hope is mingled with a terrible dread.

They haven’t been able to see each other again since Allie’s first visit. Ms. Miles has been resisting all pleas for her to bring Allie again, but she has been smuggling little notes between them in the meantime. Bea’s bedside table is filled with short scribbles from Allie, saying things like  
_I spent this whole day just missing you_  
and  
_If I close my eyes I can almost feel you right beside me_  
and  
_How do I love you? Let me count the ways… (Sorry I can’t. Smiles is perving on us!)_  
   
Bea lives for these little gems and they sustain her through the worst of the longing, but being away from Allie this long makes her uneasy. As soon as she closes her eyes, she can see Allie’s lifeless body on a gurney, and herself being pushed away, unable to get to her. She has cried herself through the nights more than once, because of the crippling fear that something else might happen. Sometimes the morphine comes to good use, since it helps her sleep and relax somewhat.  
   
Life is certainly easier when you don’t have anyone to lose. Bea has known this to be true for a long time. She lived her life in prison that way, not letting anyone too close to her heart. She knows she should never have let herself get seduced by those kind blue eyes, and she blames herself for not resisting. But there is no escaping it now. Maybe there never was, she was helpless against Allie’s charm from the beginning. But loving Allie and nearly losing her has turned everything upside down.

The knowledge that Allie is alone in a hospital bed, so fragile and weakened, makes Bea’s pulse quicken and her ears ring. She’s afraid all the time. The guilt is constantly gnawing in her mind. If not for her, Allie would never have been on Ferguson’s radar.

Bea does her best to push these thoughts away as they come. It helps if she occupies herself with something, but there’s not much to do. She raises the head of the bed so she can sit up slightly, so she can sketch for a few minutes. Sitting hurts a bit, but it’s nice not being flat on your back all the time. Her latest creation is an elaborate picture of two seahorses forming a heart. This is her third attempt. It has been a struggle getting their shapes right. It’s the first one she is pleased with. She puts the last of the shadowing down and scribbles a short message in the corner before ripping it from the drawing pad.  
   
“Can you give this to Allie?” she asks, and hands it to Ms. Miles, who unfolds it. She has been obsessively checking all their correspondence for coded messages. She is so obviously worried that Bea is plotting some master escape plan, but luckily she isn’t nervous enough not to take their money.  
   
“God, you two are giving me a toothache.” Ms. Miles rolls her eyes and cuffs Bea’s wrist to the bed before leaving.  
   
—

Bea has nearly dozed off when Ms. Miles returns with a folded piece of paper, notably bigger than the earlier little notes. Bea practically throws herself over it, hungrily devouring every word.  
   
_Hey B_  
  
_They’re making me leave tomorrow. I’m off the oxygen so they’re releasing me back to prison (the irony right) I don’t want to leave you here on your own. I wish I could come and see you again before I go at least but they won’t let me. Just know I think about you all the time! You get well fast and come back to me! I’ll be waiting._  
  
_I love you!_  
  
_Allie xxx_  
  
_P.S. Thank you for the drawing. I love it. And you. xx_  
   
“She’s going back already?” Bea asks, horrified. “But what about Ferguson? She’s still there, isn’t she?”  
   
“Ferguson will be transferred to Walford before you get back. Department decision, considering what she did to you.”  
   
“And Allie!”  
   
“You know there’s no proof that she got to Novak.”  
   
“For fucks sake!” Bea spits.  
   
“Ferguson’s in protection, there’s no way-”  
   
“That’s not good enough!” Bea is already shaking with adrenaline. ”She was supposed to be locked up last time, too!” she roars, and hurls the drawing pad over her head. It flies through the air and hits the wall with a loud slapping noise. The thought of Allie even in the same building as Ferguson scares Bea witless. “I want to go back with her.”  
   
”That’s not gonna happen, Smith. Look at yourself!”  
   
As much as it infuriates her, Bea knows Ms. Miles is right. There is nothing she could do to protect Allie right now, she knows that. She is completely helpless. She can barely go to the bathroom on her own, so how is she supposed to stand up for Allie? But she can’t handle the thought of Allie alone and unprotected. Bea knows enough not to trust the walls of Wentworth to keep anyone from hurting Allie again. Especially not Joan Ferguson.

Bea tries her best not to cry in front of Ms. Miles. “I want to talk to Mr Jackson”, she growls.  
   
“He’s not on duty today”, Miles replies vaguely.  
   
“The governor then!”  
   
Ms. Miles sighs deeply.  
   
_“Please”_ , Bea begs.  
   
“I’ll see what I can do.”  
   
—

Luckily, Governor Bennett knows not to underestimate Joan Ferguson.

”I arranged for Ferguson to be moved to Walford as soon as I heard Novak is getting discharged into our care. I’m not taking any chances.”

Bea releases a huge sigh of relief. ”Thank you, Governor.”

”I’m not doing this for you, Smith”, Bennett’s voice sounds very strained on the other end. ”We had an agreement.”

Bea doesn’t have an answer to that, she hasn’t even considered that Ms. Bennett must be in the shit after what she did. She hadn’t exactly planned to stick around for the aftermath.

”Have you found out who helped her?”

”There are no actual evidence of any one of my officers helping her with anything. I can only take your word for it, and frankly that isn’t much to go by now is it?”

”But-”

”You didn’t even bring the phone. You lied to me.” Bennett’s voice is practically trembling with anger.

”I… That’s not…”

”Expect no more favors from me”, Bennett says, and hangs up.

Bea hands back Ms. Miles her phone. She couldn't care less about Vera Bennett’s feelings of betrayal. All she cares about is that Allie will be safe, out of Ferguson’s reach. But there is still someone at Wentworth who helped her get to Allie, and Bea can’t do anything about that herself.

She sinks back into the mattress, groaning in pain. All that shouting and hyperventilating wasn’t the best thing. She feels warm and sticky under the bandages. She probably popped a stitch or two.

Not for the first time, Bea fantasizes about an alternate scenario where she doesn’t allow herself to feel sympathy for Joan Ferguson after getting ganged in the showers. She lets herself imagine crouching beside Ferguson, opening her jugular and watching the life bleed out of her. It would have been so easy. So much could have been avoided if she had just shoved that tiny shred of humanity and compassion she had left away, and rid the world of the Freak. Allie would have been fine and Bea wouldn’t be frightened all the time.

But she cannot completely regret her mercy. If she had killed Ferguson then, there might not have been anything left of her for Allie to fall in love with. Nothing but a monster.

She had been well on her way there. Being top dog had been killing her slowly. The relentless demands on her to be hard and brutal with the women slowly eroded every part of her that was _her_ , until there was nothing left but a shell. Allie had turned that completely around. Bea felt more like herself in her private moments with Allie than she had done for years. Not since she was still at home, with Debbie. It was like getting close to Allie stripped her of all her armor, all the bravado she put on each day to make it through. Now she needs that safe haven like she needs oxygen. She knows she literally cannot live without it.

”Will you please keep an eye on Allie for me?” she asks into thin air.

”You don’t need to worry. She’ll be in medical. There’s always an officer close by.”

”That’s what I’m worried about.”

Ms. Miles snorts.

”I’m serious.”

”You want me to babysit Novak so none of the officers get their hands on her?”

”That’s exactly what I want.”

”You’re losing it, Smith.”

”Am I?”

”You do realize your girlfriend is a junkie, right? I know all about your theories about Ferguson, and I'm the first to admit that she's crazy, but it’s not possible. No officer in their right mind would-”

”Everyone’s got a price,” Bea says, piercing Ms. Miles with her eyes. ”You should know. Right, Smiles?”

Ms. Miles has the self-awareness to look guilty for a few moments, but it passes. ”Yeah. Well. It _will_ cost you.”

”I don’t give a fuck what it costs. You just make sure she’s safe.”

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to say they will be apart for a while longer, but I hope the journey will be worthwhile in the end. Thanks for reading. :)


	4. Chapter 4

—

Allie puts the magazine down and sighs. There are just so many times you can read about the latest Kardashian-drama without going mental, but she doesn’t have the focus to read anything but empty words right now. The stack of books Liz brought her from the library remains untouched.

She has spent two weeks in medical and she’s so sick of it. Her recovery has been going slowly in the right direction, but she has not been allowed to leave the medical wing this whole time other than to shower.

She has been abuzz with nervous energy since she got back. Her head is like a beehive. She hasn’t been able to talk to Bea once. It makes her sleep depraved and frustrated. She has written Bea long, rambling letters that she hasn’t been able to send, since Ms. Miles isn’t posted at the hospital as much anymore.

Instead, Ms. Miles has been hovering in medical much more than usual for the screws’ rotating schedule. 

”Smith wants me to make sure none of the officers try to hot-shot you again”, Ms. Miles had said with a sarcastic smile, the first day Allie got back. ”Just try and stay off the gear on my watch at least, okay?”

Allie had wanted to defend herself, but decided not to bother. And even though she doesn’t exactly enjoy having Ms. Miles scowl at her every day, it warms her heart to know Bea had thought of her even though they can’t communicate.

She is still weak, prone to bouts of breathlessness, at times feeling like she’s about to asphyxiate. Mostly, those episodes follow some random pop-up thought of Bea, so fragile in her hospital bed, or laying lifeless in a puddle of water. The constant worry has been taking its toll on her, maybe even more than her actual physical condition. She feels so cut off from Bea. In hospital, she would get daily reminders of her presence. Now, the longing is excruciating.

The thought of a screw having it in for her doesn’t exactly make her feel any calmer. She still doesn’t know anything about what happened to her that day in the showers, other than what Bea told her. She keeps her distance from the screws as much as possible, and mostly they pay her no mind. She is left to her own devices for the most part. The bitchy nurse is doing the bare minimum to help with her care, but Allie prefers to depend on her as little as possible. 

Kaz came to see her once, looking damp eyed and sympathetic, but things are not the same between them anymore. Allie remembers a time where she would have laid down her life for Kaz. It feels so very long ago. The distance between them now is deafening. Their easy affection, the trust that once was so deep-rooted… She cannot go back to it, and the visit was awkward. Kaz seems to have felt it too, she hasn’t been back.

She is lucky that Bea’s friends have embraced her. Liz comes to see her every other day, bringing the latest gossip and a shoulder to cry on. Allie really likes Liz. The older woman is like a warm blanket of mothering, which resonates deeply with Allie. She hasn’t had much of that in her life. Allie knows that Liz loves Bea, and is probably just extending her care to Allie because of that, but she is deeply grateful for the company.

Maxine comes by on most days, and they have spent many afternoons each lying on a bed in the medical wing, resting together. Neither of them are in prime physical condition, and Allie finds their newfound companionship comforting. They don’t always talk; sometimes they just exist beside each other, brought together by love for someone else.

Today, Maxine comes by after her latest doctor’s appointment. She’s usually tired and subdued when she comes back from the hospital, but today there is buoyancy to her step and she is practically beaming.

“I’ve just seen Bea”, she whispers as soon as the screws are out of earshot.

“Yeah?” Allie’s heart leaps in her chest. “How is she? Is she better?”

Maxine nods and grabs Allie’s hands, eyes shining with joy. “Much better.”

Allie draws a shuddering breath. “Is she up? What is she doing?” she asks, frantic for every detail.

“She’s up. She was walking around on her own.” Maxine’s smile is infectious. She had only been allowed to go in to see Bea once before, when things were critical, and the relief on her face is palpable. “They’re saying she’s doing really well.”

Allie feels her body come awash with relief. She throws her arms around Maxine who holds her close. When they finally let go of each other, Allie can’t help but sob.

“Fuck. I’ve been so worried.”

“I know, love”, Maxine says, squeezing Allie’s elbows.

”She looked so frail when I saw her. That’s all I can think about.” Allie sniffles. She hasn’t been allowed much information on how Bea is doing at all, and not for lack of trying. ”I can’t even fucking call her!”

”I know. She said she they won’t let her take phone calls.”

”It’s Vinegar Tits. She’s taken away her privileges.” Allie laughs mirthlessly. ”She’s punishing her for getting out again.”

”I guess that makes sense.”

”Yeah, I guess… Did she say anything to you about what happened out there?”

Maxine shakes her head. ”But I think it’s pretty clear what she was trying to do.”

Allie nods sadly. ”I wish she hadn’t done that.” 

”None of us knew what she was going to do, but I doubt anyone could have stopped her.” Maxine pats Allie’s hand. ”Honestly”, Maxine says, looking pensive, ”I still can’t believe Ferguson got away without a scratch. If Bea really wants to hurt someone she makes it happen, no matter what.”

Allie was always fascinated by the feral avenger inside Bea. A strong, ruthless woman who would stop at nothing to punish those who had harmed her daughter. When she was in The Red Right Hand, she had admired and idealized that version of her. It wasn’t until she met Bea in person that she saw the gentleness in her, the kind, deeply wounded person underneath the tough exterior. That’s when she fell in love. Knowing that Bea went after Ferguson for revenge for Allie’s sake, and nearly got killed in the process makes her feel sick.

She wipes furiously at her eyes.

Oh, hun…” Maxine says softly and puts her hand on Allie’s shoulder.

”I’m okay.” 

”But?”

”I just keep thinking about something she said once. That being with me would make her more of a target for the Freak…” Allie shakes her head in despair. ”I didn’t listen to her. I was selfish.” Allie has not allowed herself to say this out loud before, but now that she has started talking about it, she cannot stop herself. The knowledge that Ferguson has used their relationship to harm Bea has rattled Allie to her core. ”Being with me almost got her killed by that psycho. Twice!”

”Allie…”

”I just keep fucking everything up for her.”

Maxine actually laughs. ”Oh, love. You’re the very thing that keeps her going.”

”Yeah?”

”Yes!” Maxine is shaking her head like Allie is the stupidest person on the planet. ”You’re the reason she’s trying so hard to get better. So she can come back here, to you! I was really worried about her before you came along, you know. She wasn’t in a good place. But seeing her with you… Something happened to her.” Maxine smiles softly. “You made her happy. I’d never seen her happy before. It’s a beautiful thing.”

Deep down, Allie knows this to be true. She knows it because she felt it, through every kiss, every secret glance and smile, and the deep laugh Bea seemed to save just for her.

”I’m stupid in love with her.”

Maxine laughs again. ”I know. And that’s exactly what she deserves.”

”Not knowing what’s going on with her. It’s driving me crazy.” 

“Well, she did tell me some things today that I think you’ll want to hear.”

“Yeah?”

“Come sit down”, Maxine says, patting the bed next to her. ”Okay, so her intestines were damaged but apparently the worst damage was to her liver. They had to remove almost two thirds of it.” 

”Fuck.” Allie’s head starts spinning.

”Wait”, Maxine says quickly, putting her hand on Allie’s as to calm her. ”The good news is that the parts they removed will be growing back. They say that it will be completely restored in about two or three months’ time. Now, she’s still in pain, but they’ve fixed her up pretty good.” Maxine smiles. “They think she’ll make a complete recovery. It’ll take some time, but she’ll be fine eventually.”

Allie soaks all this information like a sponge, letting the relief wash over her in waves.

“She wanted me to send you all her love”, Maxine says softly.

“Thank you”, Allie murmurs.

”She wanted to send you a note, but we reckoned the screws would find it.”

”I get it. I’m grateful I got to hear from her at all.” Allie smiles and kisses Maxine’s cheek. She is in awe of Maxine’s generosity towards her. ”You’ve been so nice to me, even though you didn’t have to. I know you’ve got your own shit to deal with.”

”I just want what’s best for Bea”, Maxine murmurs. ”And I happen to think that’s you.” She bumps her shoulder against Allie’s, who chuckles.

”Thanks. That means a lot.” Probably more than Allie is able to express. She knows what Maxine means to Bea. They fall into an easy silence for a while, and Allie takes the opportunity to say something she has been meaning to for a while. ”I just want to say… I’m sorry I called you a bloke that time. When Kaz said you should be in a men’s prison.”

”Oh.” Maxine looks surprised. ”Don’t worry about that, love. I’m used to it.”

”Yeah, maybe, but you shouldn’t have to be. I was an arsehole. I don’t want you to think that’s how I think about you, because it’s not. So I’m sorry.”

”Apology accepted.” Maxine looks genuinely touched. ”I appreciate it.”

Allie shrugs, feeling ashamed, but glad she said it.

”You know, the only person in here that’s never looked sideways at me is Bea”, Maxine says sadly. ”She’s always had my back.”

“She is pretty special”, Allie says lightly.

“She is.”

”So how did your appointment go?”

”Well. ” Maxine smiles wistfully. ”It was just a meeting with my oncologist. She says I’m responding well to the treatment.”

“That’s great.”

“At least that’s what she’s telling me.”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t say that if it weren’t true.”

“I suppose you’re right.” Maxine sighs. “I’m so ready for all of this to be over.”

“Tell me about it”, Allie says and puts her forehead on Maxine’s shoulder.

—

”When can I go back to Wentworth?” Bea asks, trying not to sound too impatient.

Dr. Taylor looks up from the ultrasound and smiles good-naturedly. It’s not the first time Bea has asked. ”Not quite yet, I think.”

”But I’m better”, Bea insists. ”It looks good, yeah?”

”It looks like you’re healing properly. But your body is still recovering from major trauma. I’d feel much more comfortable with you here under my direct supervision.”

”I’d feel more comfortable back at the compound.”

Dr. Taylor puts down the ultrasound and turns fully towards Bea, considering her carefully. ”I’ve had a few prisoner patients over the years, and none have been very eager to return to prison. Most would do almost anything to stay here as long as possible.”

Bea shrugs. ”I miss my family.”

Dr. Taylor nods. ”I understand that. I’m just not sure that Wentworth is equipped to handle your care needs at the moment.”

”I can take care of myself. I’m up, I’m eating... I might as well be in a bed there as I am here.”

”You put on a brave face Bea, but you’re still very weak.” Dr. Taylor has some kind of infuriating calmness about her, and she exudes well-meaning. Bea can’t help but like her, despite being annoyed. “If you overexert yourself, there’s still risk of internal bleeding.”

Bea puts her hand over her face and sighs.

”Let’s give it a few more days, shall we”, Dr. Taylor says and pats her leg.

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that this a bit of a filler chapter, but I needed it to get to where I need to go. I need them to miss each other a bit before getting them back together again. :)


	5. Chapter 5

—

Bea has returned to Wentworth several times since she first came there. She’s been away for trials, hospital stays, evacuations and even an escape. For the first time ever, she is actually glad to be back.  
  
Even though she has fought hard to return as soon as possible, that revelation is a confusing, shocking one. She always hated these walls and everything they stand for. She never thought she would feel this deep sense of relief when the van opens and she sees the pinched face of Vera Bennett peer back at her. But now, for the first time, there is something worthwhile waiting for her behind the bars.  
  
Mr. Jackson offers her his hand so that she can step down on the ground. She can’t help but grunt as her feet hit the asphalt.  
  
”Smith.”  
  
”Mr. Jackson. Governor.”  
  
”Welcome back”, Bennett says, nothing in her face betraying that she actually means that.  
  
Bea doesn’t answer, she just eyes the wheelchair standing beside Ms. Bennett. ”I can walk on my own”, she says defiantly.  
  
”Suit yourself”, Bennett replies and turns to walk away.  
  
Ms. Bennett struts down the corridor way ahead of Bea and Mr. Jackson. Bea tries her best to keep up, but can’t quite manage the pace. Soon, the familiar halls start to feel like an infinite labyrinth and she breaks into a cold sweat.  
  
”You okay?” Mr. Jackson asks.  
  
”Fine,” she says through clenched teeth. ”Haven’t seen you in a while.”  
  
”I was suspended.”  
  
”Oh God”, Bea chuckles, surprised that he admits this to her, using the exchange as an excuse to stop for a brief rest. ”What’d you do this time?”  
  
”None of your business, Smith”, he says with a slight smile. ”You alright to go on?”  
  
”Yeah, yeah.” She waves away his offer of a helping hand and starts walking again, her feet feeling heavy. She has done some physiotherapy in hospital, but she’s not used to walking this far in one stretch. But she will be damned before letting them see what a struggle it is for her.  
  
Eventually, _finally_ , they reach the strip search room. The door shuts behind her and Bennett starts giving her orders. It’s the usual. ”Mouth. Ears. Turn over.” Bea just goes through the motions, feeling like her head is swimming.  
  
”Are you sure you’re alright being here, Smith?” Bennett asks, actually looking concerned. ”Maybe they should have kept you a while longer.”  
  
”Nah, I’m fine”, Bea replies swiftly, ignoring the fine sheen of sweat on her own forehead and the ache in her gut.  
  
Bennett gives her a long look. ”Your doctor told me you insisted on her releasing you as early as possible. That surprised me.”  
  
Bea just shrugs.  
  
”You really dropped me in it, Smith. I’m lucky I was able to hold on to my job after what you pulled.”  
  
”Sorry Governor.”  
  
Ms. Bennett seems to hesitate before continuing quietly. ”I’ve made sure there’s no proof that screwdriver belonged to you. It will be your word against Ferguson’s. That’s the best I can do. I trust that no one will find out about our… arrangement.”  
  
Sometimes Vera Bennett looks like a little girl wearing a costume that is too big for her, Bea reflects. She has got a lousy poker face, her nerves are showing. But she is the most reasonable governor they’ve had, and she is sticking her neck out for Bea yet again, even if it’s just to make sure Ferguson goes down. Bea thinks it would probably be for the best if she tried to mend things between herself and Bennett as best she can. She is going to need her soon enough.  
  
Bea looks her dead in the eye. ”What arrangement?”  
  
”Good.” Bennett nods at her, a flash of gratitude coming over her face. ”We’re done here. You can get dressed.”  
  
—  
  
”Making sure I haven’t stashed any gear in there?” Bea snaps. Nurse Radcliffe has been poking at her wounds for more than long enough.  
  
The nurse just rolls her eyes. ”Just checking for signs of infection.”  
  
”I’ve been checked. I’m fine.”  
  
”If you say so”, Ms. Radcliffe sighs, pulling the curtains apart. ”Sit up.”  
  
Bea does as she is told, letting her eyes travel the room. This time of day, there aren’t much going on in the medical wing. Across the corridor, on the other side of the glass, she sees a familiar blonde head of hair.  
  
It stops her completely. Ms. Radcliffe is saying something, but Bea can’t hear a single word. She just stares at Allie, who is sitting on one of the beds across the hall, her head turned down and reading something. Bea’s entire world seems to shrink in to focus on just this one thing. She stares and wills Allie to look up and Allie must have sensed something, because she turns her head towards Bea and meets her eyes. The point when they connect is like an electric jolt tearing through her.  
  
_“Hello?!”_  
  
Bea startles. ”What?”  
  
”I said, your pulse is abnormally high.”  
  
“Probably just the excitement of being back here”, Bea says sweetly, not betraying how truthful she is.  
  
”Right”, Ms. Radcliffe snorts.  
  
Bea has already turned away to gaze at Allie again. Seeing those indescribable blue eyes looking back at her is making her heart pound painfully. Allie walks closer, as close as she can with the glass and corridor between them, and keeps staring at Bea like she is the second coming.  
  
She looks beautiful. Healthy.  
  
Bea tears her eyes away from Allie for a moment. ”We’re done here?”  
  
Ms. Radcliffe nods, already turned towards the computer and Bea slides off the bed and walks up to Mr. Jackson who is waiting to escort her. His amused expression tells her that he has noticed the looks between her and Allie and Bea can’t stop a blush from flaring.  
  
”Okay, Smith. We’ll put you in here. You’ll have to share with Novak for now.”  
  
And just like that, they cross the hall and he unlocks the door and Bea is finally face to face with Allie again. Nothing in between them, no restraints. Just the two of them. They just stare at each other for an endless moment, and then there’s a rush of emotions over Allie’s face and she’s close, wrapping her arms around Bea and burying her face in her neck. And God, Bea is so overwhelmed by the sensations overflowing her system.  
  
Allie smells like herself and not of hospital. Her mouth is pressed against Bea’s skin and Bea sags into the embrace, clutching Allie by the neck, holding her as tight as possible. She has waited so long for this, and finally getting to be close to Allie again makes her weak in the knees.  
  
”I’ve fucking missed you”, Allie says, her voice muffled against Bea’s neck.  
  
”I missed you too.” At last where she has longed to be all this time, Bea is overcome by a feeling of intense exhaustion. She has been keeping up appearances for weeks for the doctors and nurses, trying to convince them she’s fit to go back here, and now she can finally relax. She squeezes Allie tightly. ”I think I need to rest for a bit.”

”Well, aren’t you lucky. That’s my favorite pastime nowadays.” Allie wraps her arm around Bea’s waist and Bea lets herself lean on her, allowing Allie usher her towards one of the beds. Allie helps Bea settle on the bed, standing in front of her, her eyes roaming Bea’s face. “Shit. I can’t believe you’re here.”

Allie’s hands are in Bea’s hair and Bea feels her whole body sigh as she leans in to the contact. She went years without physical closeness, but it hadn’t been until she met Allie that she realized what she had been missing. It has been agony going without it all this time they have spent apart. She covers Allie’s hand with her own and tugs it. Allie gets it right away and leans down to press her lips carefully against Bea’s. Her mouth is soft and gentle and breathing life back into Bea, waking all her senses and tugging at her heart.

Allie withdraws slowly, cradling Bea’s face in her hands. “You look tired.”

Bea nods with a sigh. “I’m sorry. I’m exhausted.”

Allie smiles. “It’s fine. You’re here.” She squats down to start untying Bea’s shoelaces, carefully removing the shoes, squeezing lightly at Bea’s feet when they come off. Just that small contact and gesture makes Bea’s heart flutter.

”How’ve you been?”

”Okay. Lonely without you. But I’ve had Smiles to keep me company, so thanks for that.”

“You seem better”, Bea says, pushing a strand of hair behind Allie’s ear.

“I am. I’m not back at full capacity, but as long as I stay still and calm, I’m fine.” Allie stands up again.

“And if you don’t?”

“Don’t worry about that”, Allie replies, a little too dismissively.

Bea digs her fingers into Allie’s hips. “I _do_ worry about that.”

Allie smiles again, putting her hands on Bea’s shoulders and stepping in closer, so close that Bea has to lean back a little to see her face. “Honestly, it will probably take a while before I’m back to normal, but that’s fine, okay?” She plays a little with a lock of Bea’s hair. “As long as I’ve got you with me, I don’t care about that.”

Bea has no idea what she has done to deserve such devotion. She doesn’t understand it, but she is grateful. She tugs at Allie’s hips to get her even closer and wraps her arms around her middle. Allie is quick to return the embrace, holding onto Bea and kissing the top of her head, resting her cheek there.

“I’m so sorry”, Bea says, her voice muffled against Allie’s chest. “For everything. For all of it.”

“None of this shit happening to us is your fault.”

“I knew being with me could make you a target…”

“Yeah, and you warned me about that. And I didn’t listen. So. It’s not on you.”

”I promised I’d protect you.”

”Stop beating yourself up”, Allie says firmly, letting her hands stroke down Bea’s back. Bea tries to shake the feelings of guilt, but she cannot completely let go of the feeling that all this is because of her. And there are some things that she hasn’t told Allie yet that are gnawing on her mind. But now is not the time for confessions. ”Hey.” Allie’s hands travel up to Bea’s neck, angling her head so they can look at each other again. The expression of her face makes Bea’s heart constrict painfully, it’s so full of unabashed affection. ”Stop.” She draws a cross on Bea’s forehead.

Bea smiles at that. ”I’ll try.” She tugs at Allie again, and they kiss slowly. ”Come lie down with me?” she asks gently.  
  
Allie laughs. ”Propositioning me already. You don’t waste any time, do ya babe?”  
  
Despite her exhaustion, Bea laughs too, her smile so wide her cheeks hurt. ”Just come lie down.”

”Try and stop me.”

Bea lies down on her back as Allie walks around the bed and crawls in on her side, mindful of Bea’s midsection. It’s a snug fit, but Bea doesn’t mind at all. Allie is warm and solid against her side, and for the first time since their last night together in Bea’s cell a lifetime ago, she feels completely home and at ease.

Allie kisses her ear gently. ”Is this alright?”

”It’s perfect”, Bea sighs.

”Does it hurt?”

”Not now.”

Bea can feel Allie smile against her neck and it makes her shiver. Allie is running her fingers over Bea’s arms, leaving goosebumps in their wake. Bea gets lost in the sensations of finally being touched again. Eventually, Allie stops and squeezes Bea’s hand.

“Thank you for believing in me”, Allie says quietly.

“What do you mean?”

”Maxine told me you never doubted that I hadn’t taken those drugs myself.”

“You promised me.” Bea isn’t sure why this seems to mean so much to Allie. They’ve already talked about it once.

There’s a pregnant pause before Allie speaks again. ”Most people would just think the worst of someone like me.”

Bea turns to look at Allie, taken with the seriousness in her tone. ”Someone like you?”

Allie averts her eyes from Bea’s gaze. ”You know what I mean.”

Bea does know, and she knows she has thrown that in Allie’s face at one time. _Lying, junkie street-whore._ She shudders at the memory, and realizes that maybe Allie isn’t used to being trusted. ”I only think the best of you.” She touches Allie’s chin so their eyes can meet again. ”That’s all you’ve ever given me.”

Allie sighs and kisses Bea, hard and wet. She buries her fingers in Bea’s hair and inches closer, and Bea forgets to care about being exhausted and that they are in perfect view of anyone who passes through the corridor outside.

”Fuck”, Allie gasps. ”I don’t know how I managed without you this long.” Her breathing is a little irregular and her windpipes are wheezing.

”You okay?”

”Yeah. It’s just hard to stay calm and collected when I’m so excited to see you.”

Bea clutches Allie’s hand and presses it to her fluttering heart. ”I am too. Now relax and breathe.”

It’s obvious that Allie has learned how to handle these little episodes, it’s not nearly as dramatic as the time they saw each other in the hospital. She sits up a little in the bed, breathing slowly, elaborately. Even though she struggles a bit, Bea is relieved to see such a big improvement since last time. Bea sits up beside Allie and strokes her back soothingly through it all.

”I feel bad for you”, Allie says eventually, her breathing under control.

”Why?”

”You thought you got with this hot young thing, and now you’re finding out I’m actually some nana who needs to nap all the time.”’

Bea bursts out laughing. ”Ow.” She clutches her stomach. ”What does that make me?”

”A goddess. Obviously.”

Bea laughs again, feeling bashful. She’s never been good at taking compliments. Not that she has had many.

Allie sinks back down to the mattress, curling up beside Bea who lifts her arm so Allie can put her head on her shoulder. There are many things she should be telling Allie, but everything but this can wait. Finally able to brush away her anxieties for a while, Bea feels a welcome heaviness moving through her body. Allie is painting lazy patterns on her neck and Bea feels her body relax in degrees until a much needed slumber swallows her up.

—


	6. Chapter 6

—

Allie buries her face into red locks, inhaling the smell and relishing the soft texture. Bea is completely out of it, sleeping like a log in Allie’s arms, but Allie is too happy to even shut her eyes. She usually naps every day since being in hospital, but she just can’t today. Her heart is pounding too hard. She can feel it in her entire body. She can finally put her arms around Bea and hold her close, listen to her deep, sleeping breaths and Allie can’t remember feeling this overcome with love ever before. She is filled with a fierce elation that is almost disturbingly similar to a high.

She presses closer still, feeling Bea squeeze at her fingers in her sleep. She is mesmerized by the steady rhythm of Bea’s pulse against her palm. They’ve been apart for so long, the sudden closeness is almost surreal and she can’t get enough.

Bea feels small and slight against her. She has gotten so thin and hollow eyed since they last saw each other and Allie is still getting used to Bea, always so strong and magnificent, this physically weakened. But she looks so peaceful right now, like she’s never had a care in the world. Allie can’t stop staring at her.

A soft knock startles Allie from her thoughts, and she turns around seeing Bea’s friends standing outside the window. She smiles and waves for them to come in and Mr. Jackson unlocks the door.

“Bea”, she whispers. Bea doesn’t even flinch, so Allie kisses her cheek and says her name again. Bea stirs slowly, a sweet smile ghosting over her lips as she sees Allie’s face. “You have visitors.”

They all come in almost on their tiptoes, maybe unsure of what state they will find Bea in. Bea sits up on the edge of the bed, rubbing her eyes and Allie stands up to make room for the H1 crowd.

Maxine squeezes Allie’s arm on her way over before hugging Bea gently. Liz comes right after and holds Bea in her arms for a long time. Bea closes her eyes and squeezes her back. ”Oh, love. How are you?” Liz sniffles.

Doreen lingers in the background, a little awkwardly.

”Not so bad”, Bea says, and Allie immediately notices the brave face she has put on.

“Bloody hell, you look like shit”, Boomer blurts as soon as she comes close enough to see Bea properly.

“Booms!” Maxine and Liz exclaim in united outrage.

Bea just laughs softly, looking at her friends with deep affection. ”I look worse than I feel”, she says, but Allie is pretty sure that’s a lie.

“Sorry.” Boomer grimaces, looking sheepish. “It’s good to see you, though, Bea.”

“You too, Boomer”, Bea says.

Allie takes a step back to take it all in. Bea surrounded by her family. They are all full of questions about her health. Liz is sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Bea’s hand with Maxine on the other side, clutching Bea’s shoulder. It’s such a lovely scene that Allie has to bite her cheek not to get choked up. They all chatter together and Bea mostly listens good-naturedly and answers their concerned questions. After going through the details of Bea’s recovery, it becomes obvious that they are dying to tell her about all the new developments since she left.

“You’re not gonna like it, Bea. The junkies are taking over the place”, Boomer says.

“Yeah, the using has increased so much”, Doreen says. “It’s back to the way things were when Jacs was running things.”

Bea nods, looking sad but not outraged.

“But isn’t Kaz going after the dealers?” Allie asks, everyone turning to look at her.

Doreen snorts. “It’s Tina and her crew that’s bringing in most of it, and Kaz is protecting them.”

Allie can’t quite believe what she’s hearing. “But Kaz hates drugs.”

“Not as much as she loves power, apparently.” Doreen sounds bitter. “I can’t believe I ever listened to her. She’s such a hypocrite.”

There was a time when Allie would have followed Kaz anywhere, done anything she asked. Not only because of love and gratitude for giving her shelter and a purpose, but because Allie had truly believed Kaz would never betray her own principles. That was something Allie had deeply admired. Since going to prison, those principles have shifted, but Allie is still surprised. She’s not the only junkie Kaz has fished out of the gutter and helped clean up. It seems so foreign to her that Kaz would allow drugs to flow freely among the women.

“Yeah, what are you gonna do about Kaz and Tina when you get out of here, Bea?” Boomer asks.

Bea shrugs. “Nothing. They can do whatever the hell they like. It’s not my problem anymore.”

“You don’t mean that”, Doreen says.

“I’m just looking for the quiet life”, Bea says. “I’m retired.”

“You just focus on getting better, love”, Liz says, giving Doreen a stern glance. “That’s more than enough.”

”’Course”, Doreen says, looking a little guilty.

“So Bea, what happened with the Freak, eh?” Boomer asks.

For the first time, Bea looks uncomfortable. “She stabbed me. That’s it. Not much else to tell.”

“That crazy old slag”, Boomer says.

“You got that right.”

“But how did you get out, eh? Cuz we figured you were trying to off her, right?”

”Booms”, Liz says warningly. ”Leave it.”

Bea looks grateful for the intervention, and Allie reminds herself that she’ll ask about it later, when they’re alone.

They start talking about other things, Maxine’s treatment, Sonia’s upcoming trial, mundane gossip. Bea listens to it all, but doesn’t say much, she just leans against Maxine’s shoulder, seemingly just enjoying the company of her friends. Once in a while, she glances over at Allie, giving her one of those slight smiles that Allie got addicted to all those months ago, before any of this really started.

When it’s time to go, Doreen lingers behind the others.

”Can I have a word?” she asks softly, and Bea nods. Allie rises from the foot of Bea’s bed where she has settled, and draws the curtains to give them some privacy. As she lies down on the opposite bed shuffling through a magazine, she hears their hushed voices buzz.

—

”So what did you and Doreen talk about?” Allie asks lightly, sitting beside Bea on the edge of the bed. She noticed the content and almost relieved look on Bea’s face after Doreen left.

”Just stuff she wanted to sort out. From before.”

”So you’re all good now?”

”Yeah. Turns out she reckons I wasn’t such a shabby Top Dog after all.”

”Really? She’s changed her tune.”

”I suppose it all depends on what you have to compare with”, Bea says, managing to sound both amused and a little bitter at the same time.

”I always thought you were good at it”, Allie says honestly. ”But you never seemed to really enjoy it.”

”I didn’t. It gave me purpose for a while but… I don’t know…” Bea sighs, looking sad. ”Sometimes it made me feel like I was turning into something really fucking ugly.”

”That’s not true”, Allie says, thinking back to the time she found Bea cutting herself and the deep self-loathing she had exuded. ”There’s nothing ugly about you.”

Bea chuckles mirthlessly, staring down at her dangling feet.

”So, I like your friends”, Allie says, thinking that a change of subject might be a good idea.

Bea looks up at her, a genuine smile on her lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. They’ve been really sweet to me while you were away. Especially Maxine and Liz.”

“I’m glad. Though I’m not surprised. They’re good people.”

“They are.”

Bea looks thoughtful. “I never really had friends on the outside. Not as an adult anyway.”

Allie immediately pays extra attention. Bea rarely speaks about her life before her sentence. “No?”

“Harry didn’t want me to have friends. Said they were just going to gossip about him.” Bea rolls her eyes. “That’s only a problem if you’ve got something to hide.”

Allie holds her breath, careful not to push, waiting for Bea to continue.

“It’s strange”, Bea says, almost sounding dazed, looking over at Allie. “I hate this place. But I have found a lot of things in here that I never had on the outside.”

Allie waits to see if Bea will elaborate, but she doesn’t, she just looks at Allie softly.

“Me too”, Allie says, eventually.

“Like what?” Bea asks.

“A decent bed, three meals a day, a hot girlfriend…”

Bea laughs, blushing a little. Allie can’t fucking believe how sweet Bea can be. She was first attracted to her strength, but the underlying sweetness that comes to the surface in moments like these makes her fall a little harder each time she gets the privilege to witness it.

“I’m sure you had plenty of hot girlfriends on the outside.”

“You would think that.” Allie smirks a little, not sure if there is a hint of jealousy on Bea’s face or just curiosity. “But not really.”

Bea looks disbelieving.

“What, you don’t believe me?”

“No!” Bea says, laughing and shaking her head.

“Hey! What happened to trust?”

“It’s just you’re so…”

“What?”

Bea blushes harder, and Allie’s heart is set alight. “You’re very charming”, Bea says.

Allie beams. “Well, thanks.” She strokes Bea’s little finger with her own. “So are you”, she says with emphasis. Bea grows incredibly bashful at the compliment and looks down at her feet again. If Allie could spend her life doing just one thing, it would be to make Bea smile like this, all the time. But as much as she loves to flirt with Bea, she wants to be honest, too. “But I wasn’t always like this. As you know, my charm lessens a lot when I’m high.”

“Yeah…”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been with my fair share of women. But this is actually the first relationship I’ve ever had where I’m sober.”

“Really?”

Allie nods. “Drugs mess things up. Things fall apart because the only thing you really care about is getting high. It’s not exactly a recipe for successful romance.”

Bea nods carefully, seemingly taking all this information in. “So this is a first for both of us.”

“Yeah, I guess it is.”

Bea looks pleased by this, looking at Allie with a smile tugging at her lips.

Her warm gaze roams over Allie’s face, lingering on her mouth. Allie immediately picks up on it, feeling her heart start to beat faster. Bea reaches for Allie, and Allie doesn’t even wait a second before scooting close, letting her breath mingle with Bea’s. She lets the tension build between them for a few moments before closing the distance and ghosting her lips over Bea’s. There’s a tug low in her abdomen, and she tries her best not to lose her mind when Bea opens her mouth and lets her tongue brush against Allie’s bottom lip. They have been apart for so fucking long, and Allie may not be in the best shape to be doing this, but she needs it so much it’s already making her ache between her legs.  
   
Allie tries to keep their kisses light, afraid she’ll lose her breath again. She is glad to just be enjoying her time with Bea. She has been on edge with worry for so long, but when they're together like this, it's like all the rest of the mess their lives have been lately doesn't seem to matter. Not their health, not prison politics, not fear of what might come. When Bea lets out a whimper as Allie nibbles on her bottom lip, desire comes roaring through Allie’s veins like a beast of some kind.

”God”, she gasps, and goes right back to kissing Bea again.

”You alright?”

”Fine”, Allie says quickly, grasping Bea by the collar and pulling her back in. ”Don’t worry.” She’s not ready for this to end quite yet. She licks back into Bea’s mouth, earning a moan and a tug at the hair at the nape of her neck that sends a shiver down her spine.

”I’ve missed this”, Bea whispers, letting her hand travel from Allie’s neck down her back.

Allie is rarely rendered speechless, but right now she can’t even respond with anything other than desperate gasps. She is too busy kissing Bea and trying not to pass out from the lack of oxygen in her system, but damn if it isn’t completely fucking worth it.

”Okay ladies! Nothing funny better be going on in here.” They startle apart as the voice of Ms. Miles comes from the other side of the curtain. Bea covers her mouth and laughs quietly, her cheeks flushed and eyes glassy. ”It’s time for lock-up. You have ten seconds Smith, and you bloody well better be decent.”

Bea slides off the bed, squeezing Allie’s cheek and giving her an apologetic look. ”You gonna be okay?” she whispers.

”Smith!”  
   
Allie is so breathless that she just nods and waves her hand, shooing Bea away, giving her a smile to reassure her. Bea throws her one last glance before disappearing behind the curtain.

She might be out of breath and weak, but Allie feels completely alive in this moment. She’s been so consumed with worry and her own physical condition that she hasn’t really thought about sex, but apparently those parts of her are in perfectly good health. And if Bea’s reactions to their kisses are anything to go by, she felt the same. A wide smile spreads across her face.

When Ms. Miles comes to get her, she still has a stupid grin on her lips. Ms. Miles just rolls her eyes and leads her to her holding cell.

”Come on, Smiles. Don’t look so pissy. Life is beautiful!” Allie taunts happily.

”Whatever you say, Novak”, Ms. Miles says, maybe looking mildly amused, but you never can tell with her.

—

Staying locked up inside a barren cell isn’t a great way to hold on to happiness though. It’s like the walls have been impregnated by weeks of anxiety, and by nightfall, the lightness of her earlier mood is slowly evaporating. Now that she has seen Bea, touched her, a new kind of worry overtakes her. She can’t help but think about what will happen when Bea is released back into general population. She knows there are people who would love to take Bea on just to prove a point, and who wouldn’t think twice about going after her in a weakened physical state. After seeing her today, Allie knows Bea wouldn’t stand a chance at defending herself. The thought provokes a wave of anxiety inside her chest, and Allie knows she would much rather get a bashing herself than let anything happen to Bea. She is too precious to Allie, and she has been through so much.

She faces another sleepless night.

—


	7. Chapter 7

—

The following morning, Bea is wearing her robe, impatiently waiting for a screw to take her to the showers. She is about to crawl out of her skin wanting to get out of her holding cell. Knowing Allie is just a few feet away frustrates her to no end. She had been managing the longing a bit better in hospital, trying to focus on her own recovery, but being with Allie yesterday, talking to her, kissing her, has fueled the urge to be with her into an uncontainable need. Being locked up in this small space is making her stir crazy.

She resists the instinct to snap at Ms. Miles when she comes to let her out, but she forgets all her annoyance as soon as she steps out of the cell and sees Allie waiting in the corridor, dressed in her own robe and towel in hand.

”Good morning”, Allie says cheerfully, letting her fingers brush against Bea’s as she comes up beside her.

”Morning”, Bea says, unable to suppress a smile of her own. She is amazed at how quickly just being in Allie’s vicinity can calm her down and wound her up, all at once. ”Didn’t know I was gonna get to see you so soon.”

”We’re understaffed. I don’t have time to get you both to the showers separately today”, Ms. Miles says.

”I’m not complaining”, Allie says, winking at Bea behind Miles’ back.

”I bet you’re not”, Ms. Miles mutters. After the short walk to the shower block, Ms. Miles opens the door for them. ”Twenty minutes, ladies.” 

As soon as the door clicks shut, Allie turns towards Bea. ”Seriously, I could kiss that lazy bitch!” Allie exclaims happily. ”She knows she’s not supposed to let us shower together when we’re confined to medical.”

Allie’s happiness is contagious and Bea stalks ahead when Allie reaches out for her. They sink into each other and hold on for a good long while, just enjoying the closeness.

”I missed you last night”, Allie murmurs.

”Me too”, Bea whispers, and kisses Allie softly.

As Allie starts to remove her robe, Bea does the same, but lingers on her tank. Allie quickly catches on to her hesitation.

”What’s up?”

”I’m supposed to take this off.” Bea lifts her tank to reveal the dressing over her wounds. ”The nurse will re-dress it later, but I need to remove it myself and wash first.”

Allie nods, waiting for Bea to continue.

”It’s just, I haven’t really looked at it before. My stomach.”

”Okay”, Allie says softly. ”Do you want me to help you?”

Despite feeling self conscious, Bea can’t help but feel relieved by the offer. ”If you want.”

”Sure.” Allie squeezes her fingers in wordless support. ”Get in the shower. It’ll be much easier to remove the bandages if they’re wet.”

Bea does as she’s told, undressing as quickly as she can manage, and goes in to a stall. The first spray of water over her head is cold, and she yelps. As it warms, she relaxes somewhat. She is feeling a little nervous, and not just because of her wounds. They haven’t been naked together all that much yet, and it still feels so new. Allie comes in after her, letting her hands travel up and down Bea’s arms, kissing her shoulder.

Bea sighs and leans back against Allie, shivering a little as she feels Allie’s breasts press against her shoulder blades. And even though she is nervous, this intimacy is strangely calming, and Bea unwinds in degrees. They stay that way for a while, Bea lost in the sensation of Allie’s slick skin against hers and the bliss of just being together like this.

Bea slowly turns around to face Allie.

”Ready?” Allie asks.

”Yeah”, Bea says, and turns her head to the side, so as to not look at the wounds.

”Is it sore?”

”Just a little. It’s more itchy and weird. It’s my insides that are sore.”

She feels Allie start to carefully peel off the dressing. It’s easy under the spray of the shower, and it doesn’t hurt.

”Bea”, Allie says in a startlingly serious tone. ”How many times were you stabbed?”

Bea swallows, squeezing her eyes shut tight. ”About thirteen times, they said. Give or take.”

”Fuck”, Allie breathes. Bea hears her draw a shuddering breath and sniffle. That’s enough for Bea’s eyes to pop open and look down on Allie who has kneeled on the tile floor.

”Does it look really bad?” Bea asks.

Allie sniffles again and wipes water out of her eyes. ”No, no. It’s not that bad.” She lets her hand travel over Bea’s abdomen, her touch light as a feather. ”There are a few smaller scars over here”, she says, drawing her fingertips over the skin. ”And here. Then there’s a bigger one over here.” 

Bea nods.

”But it looks really good. There’s no blood, no gunk or anything on the bandages. It looks like they’ve closed up properly.” Allie stands up again. ”Do you wanna see?”

Bea is hesitant, but she reckons she will have to at some point. Might as well be now. She looks down at her stomach, seeing the angry red marks. She doesn’t feel sick like she imagined she would. Maybe it’s the steadiness of Allie’s presence that is grounding her. ”This is from the surgery”, she says, pointing to the longer scar. The scars from the stabbing are surprisingly small. ”Those felt a lot worse than they look, actually.”

There is a range of emotions on Allie’s face that Bea can’t quite decipher, and she steps close to Bea and hugs her fiercely, minding her midsection. Bea hugs her back, and starts to feel enormous guilt about still not telling her about what really happened that day. The timing never seems to fit, she doesn’t want to shatter these precious moments and burden Allie with the truth. But it’s starting to feel disturbingly similar to a lie to let Allie assume that this was all Ferguson’s doing.

When they break apart, Allie’s eyes look a little puffy. She clasps Bea’s face and kisses her reverently. 

”I have a clean cloth to use…” Bea says after the kiss.

”I’ll get it”, Allie says. When she’s back, she soaks the cloth under the spray. ”Tell me if it hurts, okay?”

Bea nods, and Allie kneels to the floor again, tenderly applying the cloth to Bea’s scars. It’s a strange sensation, the nerves on her skin feeling raw. It doesn’t hurt, though. Allie is thorough and careful. Bea can feel her heart flutter and her eyes falling closed. She has never been taken care of like this, or treated this gently by anyone, and it’s both unnerving and exhilarating to let Allie get so close. She can’t imagine letting anyone else do anything like this for her.

”Bea?”

”Yeah?”

”Is this turning you on?”

”Um.” Bea flushes and feels ashamed. What a time to become all hot and bothered. Allie must think she’s a complete idiot. ”I guess, a-a little. I’m sorry if that’s weird.”

Allie smirks, looking extremely pleased. ”It’s not weird. And it’s good to know I’m not alone”, she says. She leans back on her heels, staring Bea up and down. ”You look fucking incredible.”

Bea laughs and shakes her head in disbelief. She looks down at herself, feeling self conscious about her now scrawny body and her scarred abdomen. She has possibly never looked worse, except for a few times when Harry had beaten her black and blue. But the honesty and admiration on Allie’s face stops her from shrinking back. Maybe Allie sees something that Bea cannot.

Allie gets on her feet, facing Bea again. ”I’m serious”, she says, stroking Bea’s cheek. ”I love looking at you.”

Bea blushes again, but not because of shame this time. Feeling emboldened by Allie’s forwardness, she looks down at Allie’s naked body, letting her gaze really travel over her, taking in her thighs and breasts, her lovely soft skin. She remembers so vividly their last night together in her cell, and all the things she made Allie’s body do and how it made her feel. The thought makes her lightheaded.

”Jesus”, Allie says, when Bea’s eyes finally return to her face, her breath a little quickened. ”You like looking at me too, don’t you.”

Bea nods slowly, staring at Allie. ”Smiles will burst in here any second.”

”I know. Believe me, I know”, Allie groans. 

There is a kind of recklessness bubbling under Bea’s skin that she doesn’t recognize. She can’t believe she is actually entertaining the thought of pressing Allie against the wall of the shower stall with a screw just outside the door. Maybe she shouldn’t be so surprised, Allie has always made her feel slightly unhinged. Like she is on the edge of losing her mind to something as unfamiliar to Bea as desire still is.

”What are you thinking?” Allie asks, her eyes hooded and her mouth hanging open slightly.

Bea swallows and puts a shaking hand on Allie’s hip. Allie gasps. ”That I… I want you. So much.”

Allie’s eyes flutters, and her chest is heaving with effort to breathe.

”It scares me a little”, Bea whispers, feeling embarrassed to admit it.

”That’s okay.” Allie looks at her steadily, and Bea is yet again amazed by her understanding.

Bea thinks back to their first and only time again, and how easy it all had felt, finally. Like they were just coming together where they belonged. Everything had seemed simple for once. Now all of her emotions, love and lust, are mixed up with that old familiar fear again. Both fear of loss and of what unknowns are hidden inside herself.

”I guess I’m still not used to feeling like this.”

Allie reaches out, stroking her thumb over Bea’s cheekbone. Bea closes her eyes for a moment and leans into the touch. ”I get it. It’s still pretty new.”

”Yeah”, Bea sighs, staring at Allie’s mouth. 

There’s a pounding on the door, and even though they have been expecting it, they both startle.

”Saved by the bell”, Allie murmurs, licking her lips.

”This fucking place…” Bea mutters bitterly, and Allie just laughs.

—

Bea takes breakfast and lunch alone in her holding cell. She felt wound up after the shower and at first she was almost relieved to get a break from Allie for a bit to calm herself. That feeling passed rather quickly though, and now she is missing her again. This whirlwind of emotions is exhausting her and the fact that they cannot decide when they want to be together themselves is frustrating. She can’t wait until they’re back in their unit and have some privacy and a semblance of freedom.

In the early afternoon, Bridget Westfall pays her a visit. 

”How are you feeling, Bea?” she asks, sitting down across from Bea in the small holding cell.

“Okay.”

“You’ve been through quite an ordeal lately.”

“Yeah.” 

After waiting in vain for Bea to elaborate, Ms. Westfall continues on. “Do you want to talk about what happened with Joan Ferguson?”

“I was just taking a little stroll and that crazy bitch came after me with a screwdriver”, Bea says nonchalantly. “That’s about it, really.”

Ms. Westfall looks a little amused. It’s clear that she doesn’t believe a word of it, and why would she. It sounds completely ridiculous. “Okay.” She shifts in her chair. “You were clearly very upset when Allie Novak overdosed…“

Bea snorts. It pisses her off that the staff are still stubbornly believing that Allie had done that to herself. The only person who seems convinced otherwise is Ms. Bennett, and Bea isn’t even sure about what the governor thinks anymore.

”Is there anything you’d like to say about that?”

“Allie didn’t OD.”

“What do you think happened?”

Bea doesn’t answer, she just shrugs angrily. She doesn’t know how to talk about this without implicating herself and she is not sure how far she is willing to trust Ms. Westfall.

“It must have been traumatic for you, seeing someone you care about in such a serious condition.”

“Yeah, ’course it was”, Bea says quietly.

”How did it make you feel?”

Bea contemplates giving Westfall the silent treatment, but something stirs inside and makes her speak. ”Useless. Helpless.” Scared out of my mind, she doesn’t say.

Ms. Westfall nods sympathetically. ”Why do you think that is?”

”Because it shouldn’t have happened. Because I should have protected her.”

”So you feel responsible for what happened to Allie?”

Bea nods, feeling her throat constrict and tears burning under her eyelids.

”You know, you cannot control other people’s choices, Bea.”

”I chose to be with her, though. Even though I knew someone might go after her to get at me. That was my choice.” Bea’s chest is hurting with the guilt she is feeling. ”I probably shouldn't be with her. She might be safer without me. Especially now, when I’m like this.” She gestures down towards her stomach. Right now, she truly is useless. There is nothing she can do to protect Allie if needed.

”Are you thinking about ending your relationship?”

It takes Bea a long time to answer, turning the question around in her mind. ”I can’t”, she whispers eventually. ”I need her.” She wipes her eyes with her sleeve. ”How fucking selfish is that?”

”I wouldn’t say it’s selfish. I’d say it’s human.”

Bea chuckles mirthlessly. 

”What does she have to say about all this?” Ms. Westfall asks.

”She thinks way better of me than I deserve, that’s for sure.” Allie’s feelings for her have always been puzzling to Bea. She doesn’t think she has done anything to earn that love. It’s like a gift that just fell into her lap, completely undeserved. Her mind wanders back to her earlier thoughts about Ferguson and the stabbing. ”There’s something I haven’t told her, that I probably should. I just don’t know how.”

”Is it something you feel she needs to know?”

”Probably. Yeah.”

”Then maybe you should try being honest with her?”

”What if she…” Gets angry? Start thinking about me differently? Fucking leaves me? Bea can’t formulate all these fears aloud. ”She might not like it.”

”That’s always a risk when you’re telling someone uncomfortable truths.”

Bea has vague memories of trying to talk about things with with Harry in the early days, but it had just ended up angering him and making things much worse for her. The lesson learned was to sit tight and do anything not to rock the boat. That is how she lived for years, before finally snapping. The last thing she wants is to repeat old patterns left from her disaster of a marriage. She wishes she could just shed that whole experience like a second skin, and start anew, completely reborn. Life is never that simple, though. And Allie is nothing like Harry. But Bea still feels the urge to stick her head in the sand and do her damnedest to pretend nothing is wrong. But she made Allie a promise, and she wants to honour it.

”I’m not good at talking about stuff.”

”Well”, Ms. Westfall says, looking kindly at her. ”It’s like everything else in life. You have to practice at it.”

—


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An angsty chapter, but not too bad I hope. It's all part of their journey. Anyone who is a Wentworth-fan would be used to it. :)

—

"What's wrong?" Allie asks, stroking Bea's forehead. 

Bea sighs from where she’s laying, her head resting on Allie’s thigh. They have been allowed a little time together in Allie’s holding cell, and she just wants to enjoy it, but she can’t. Her conversation with Westfall is weighing heavily on her mind. She knows there are no excuses left. They are completely alone in this space with no one around. Sure, they’re in good view from the corridor, but no one can hear. She just doesn’t know how to start.

”Are you in pain?" Allie looks worried.

Bea shakes her head, and pulls herself up from Allie’s lap with a grunt. She settles opposite Allie on her bed. She feels a lump in her throat, trying to swallow it down. She admits to herself that she is afraid, and that the feeling is similar to when she knew she had done something that would anger Harry. It’s illogical, because this is Allie, but the feeling persist.

”I promised I wouldn't keep things from you", Bea says, her voice hoarse.

"Yeah..."

"I haven't exactly told you everything about what happened… with me and the Freak.”

"You haven't really told me _anything_ about it", Allie says. "I wanted to ask you about what happened, but wasn't sure you wanted to talk about it."

"I don't know if I do,” Bea says quietly.

”Bea.” Allie squeezes Bea’s knee. ”If it's upsetting you right now, you don’t have to."

It would be so easy for Bea to take Allie up on that offer. She wants to just let it drop, but she knows it will keep weighing her down and it will make things harder the longer she waits. ”I think I should, though.”

”Okay." There’s a worried line between Allie’s eyes Bea has seldom seen.

Bea sighs and looks down at her own lap for a few moments. She’s not good with words, she doesn’t know how to say the things she needs to say in a way that doesn’t fuck things up more than absolutely necessary.

”Hey”, Allie says. ”You can tell me whatever you want. You know that.”

Bea nods, and hopes that it’s true. ”So, you know they told me you… wouldn't make it."

Allie nods and Bea feels on the edge of weeping just thinking about it. The memories of how she felt at the moment Maxine told her about Allie is something she doesn't allow herself to dwell on. ”Ferguson called you collateral damage. I thought she’d killed you.” 

Allie wipes Bea's tears away quietly, stroking her knee with her other hand.

"I wanted to kill her. I wanted to _fucking ruin her_. Fuck," Bea sobs. It hurts her to talk about this more than she realized it would. She grips Allie’s fingers on her leg almost desperately. ”And I… I wanted to die. Right then, it was all I wanted. I wanted to die and ruin her life in the process."

”Bea…” Allie whispers, her eyes wide. ”What does that mean?”

Bea takes a deep breath and just says it. ”She didn’t stab me first. I made her do it.”

”You mean you attacked her or…?”

”No. Well, not really. I made her stab me. I don’t know how many times…” Bea tries to puzzle all her memories together. The images gets a little fuzzy around the edges, but she remembers the all encompassing pain and the kind of sick relief she felt when Ferguson twisted the screwdriver into her flesh. ”But it was me, first. Then she just kept going.”

Allie sits quietly for a long while, looking straight forward, her jaw working. ”I don’t think I understand”, she says eventually, her voice frail. ”I-I assumed you tried to kill her.”

In what twisted, sick world is attempted murder the preferred option? This one, Bea thinks, because she would gladly admit to killing Ferguson with her bare hands rather than talk about this. But she has to. Allie deserves the truth.

”I wanted to”, Bea says, trying to explain. ”I meant to. But I’m not sure anymore…” Her motivations from that day are all mixed up in her mind. She wasn’t thinking clearly, she had been grief stricken and in shock, fueled by a burning fury. She doesn’t know how to put it in a way that doesn’t sound completely mental. ”I think I just wanted to die myself even more. Then it’d be over.”

 _”Fuck”_ , Allie exclaims, and buries her face in her hands. She stays like that for a while, and for some reason Bea is almost scared to reach out and touch her. When she eventually looks at Bea again, her eyes are wet and stormy.

”A-are you angry?” Bea whispers, fighting the urge to cower.

”What?” Allie asks, seemingly picking up on Bea’s fearful demeanor. ”No, I’m not angry”, she says sadly. ”I don’t know what I am right now.”

”I’m sorry.” Bea can see that Allie is hurting, and she knows she herself is the cause. It makes her feel enormously guilty. ”Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about it.”

”No… That’s not…” Allie sighs, shaking her head. ”I guess I didn’t expect it.”

”Sorry”, Bea says again.

”How are you feeling now?” Allie’s mind seems to be moving a mile a minute, her eyes searching Bea’s face for answers. ”I mean, you’re obviously alive. Are you glad? Or…?”

”I’m glad to be sitting here next to you”, Bea says honestly.

”That’s not really an answer to my question, though”, Allie says.

Bea feels like the conversation is running away from her. She has never talked about these kind of things to anyone before.

”It’s not that simple”, she starts, careful to find the right words. ”I was very… tired when I met you. Of my life. I felt like there wasn’t much left for me. I’d been feeling like that since Deb died.” She takes a deep breath to steady herself. Talking about Debbie’s death is still upsetting to her, even if she has been able to smile about some of her memories of her daughter with Allie. ”But I tried to find things to keep me going, to keep myself occupied. But I didn’t feel like I had a real reason to be here.”

Allie moves her hand to Bea’s and entwine their fingers.

”You gave that to me”, she says, looking down at their hands. ”You gave me so many things I didn’t even know I had been missing, and all of a sudden I had someone wonderful to love me. A future, even in this shit hole.” Her voice is shaking with the effort of keeping herself together. ”When I thought you were gone… I just wanted to go to you, and to Debbie. Just leave all this behind. There was nothing left for me here.”

She finally looks up at Allie. Allie’s eyes are red and her cheeks are lined with tears, dripping down her chin.

”Bea”, she says, her voice strained in a kind of agony. She grips Bea at the back of her neck, looking deeply in the eyes. ”You can’t keep fucking hurting yourself like this. Do you hear me?”

”Yeah”, she whispers. ”I’m so sorry, Allie. I never meant for any of this to affect you.”

”Fuck that! Yeah, my feelings are hurt, but look at you! Look at what you’ve done to yourself.” Allie is crying in earnest now and Bea isn’t sure how to handle it. ”You could have fucking died!”

”I know,” Bea says, looking down at her lap again.

”Hey.” Allie touches Bea, encouraging her to meet her gaze again. There is a lot of pain in Allie’s eyes and Bea feels sick knowing she has caused it. ”I’m not angry. I’m fucking sad, right. Because I love you, okay?”

”I love you too”, Bea says. ”That’s why I couldn’t stand the thought of… being without you.”

There’s a pause, and Allie seems to really take in the words and consider them. ”I know that feeling”, she says. ”It’s fucked up, but I do.”

Bea remembers Allie’s agony after Bea had rejected her, believing she had been complicit in the attack on her. How Allie had seemed to completely shatter, how she had thrown away her sobriety when Bea refused to listen to her. Maybe Allie can understand this. Bea hopes with everything she’s got.

There is a knock. ”Time for lock up, ladies”, Mr. Jackson says.

”Can you fucking give us a minute?” Allie snaps, and wipes her cheeks and nose on her sleeve.

Mr. Jackson frowns at Allie, but refrains from reprimanding her. ”I’m sorry Smith”, he says. ”I don’t have time to wait today. Two minutes.” He walks down the corridor, giving them some space.

”Can’t wait to get out of here”, Allie sighs. ”There’s never enough fucking time.”

”I know”, Bea murmurs, searching Allie’s eyes for answers of how she is feeling. ”You gonna be okay?”

”Yeah. How about you?” Allie asks softly, palming Bea’s cheek. Bea can feel Allie’s hand shaking. ”You sure you’re not still… You want to live, right?”

”Yeah, I do.” She holds on to Allie’s hand, willing her to believe her. ”Sweetheart, don’t worry.”

”Bit late for that”, Allie mutters, and hugs Bea, burying her face in her neck and squeezing her hard. They are still holding on to each other when Mr. Jackson clears his throat by the door.

”See you tomorrow”, Bea whispers and kisses Allie quickly before walking out the door. She throws her one last look over her shoulder. Allie is still on her bed, looking utterly lost. The sight makes Bea’s heart ache and her cheeks flush with shame.

”Everything alright?” Mr. Jackson asks, giving Bea a concerned side-eye.

”Yeah, fine”, Bea says casually. He may be the one screw she trusts, but there is no way she is talking to him about any of this.

—

It’s 2 AM, and Allie is still awake, tossing and turning in her bed in the holding cell. Her head hurts from crying, and she can’t fucking breathe through her nose anymore.

For the first time since Bea got back, her skin is itching for a fix to take the edge off. It will pass, she tells herself. It always does if you wait it out, she knows that, but she is still a little alarmed by the impulse.

What she told Bea the other day was true, she has never been sober in a relationship, and she has never had a relationship as meaningful to her as this one. Drugs had always been an escape from her messed up life in general, and she had used them to avoid real issues in relationships as well.

Now that a rather bleak reality is staring her right in the face, Allie is relieved to find that she doesn’t want to avoid and escape anything to do with Bea. She wants them to face everything head on, side by side.

Knowing that Bea willingly went to her death thinking she had lost Allie is a monumental insight. She had known that Bea was carrying along a lot of pain inside, after Debbie, a lot of guilt. The papers had been full of descriptions of the injuries Bea had inflicted on herself to escape prison to kill Brayden Holt. And she had seen first hand that Bea had the capacity of harming herself, maybe even had an urge to do so. Allie has always known Bea is not a happy person. She has seen her depressed, filled with self hate and frustration. When she really thinks about it, Bea’s confession doesn’t surprise her. It makes perfect sense, which is why it’s so scary.

She wants more than anything for Bea to truly _want_ to live. Just not stay alive because of Allie, but truly find ways to enjoy life, despite everything she has been through. She isn’t sure how to make that happen. There is nothing Allie wouldn’t do to make Bea feel good. She wants to wash away all of her pain and suffering with her love, as naively as that sounds to her. Love is supposed to be a healing power, but Allie has seen many people with love all around them succumb to darkness.

Allie has learned the hard way that no one else can truly save someone else if they don’t want it. Kaz had tried to get her to sober up countless times before she finally pulled herself together and stopped using. The help she got had been lifesaving, but the motivation to stay sober finally came from within herself. She had come to a crossroad where she had to chose life or certain death. She can’t help but wonder what Bea would choose.

Bea seems stable to her now, but she is afraid that it won’t last. Even if Allie doesn’t really mind being in prison, she knows most people get fucking depressed by just being in here. And Bea has a lifetime behind bars ahead of her. Add that to everything else on Bea’s mind, and Allie can’t stop worrying.

She buries her face in her pillow, groaning into it. Before today, she was mostly worried about what other people might do to Bea. Her distress when she thinks about what Bea might do to herself is just as bad. But she does seem okay now, she does. Allie just wants to be sure she stays that way.

—


	9. Chapter 9

—

Allie spends the next day in the hospital for checkups, and Bea restlessly waits. Maxine and Liz comes by for a visit, and as happy as Bea is to have the dull monotony of her day broken and spend some time with them, she is distracted by thoughts of Allie.

By the afternoon, after sinking into her drawing for a while, she looks up from her sketchbook, seeing Allie lingering by the door.

”How long have you been standing there?” she asks.

“For a bit.” Allie gives her a bleak smile. ”Mr. Jackson said I could go see you. Can I come in?”

“’Course”, Bea says immediately. “You don’t have to ask.”

Allie looks tired and pale, and she shuffles in with her hands shoved in her pockets. She is unusually subdued, and Bea feels immediately on edge.

”What did the doctor say?”

”That I’m making excellent progress. Gave me a stern talking to about the dangers of drugs, too.” Allie leans back against the sink. They look at each other, and it’s like a heavy blanket of sadness is weighing over them both. “I didn’t sleep at all last night”, Allie says eventually.

“Me neither.” Bea fidgets with her pencil nervously. Allie’s quiet contemplation is unnerving. ”Are we okay?” Bea eventually asks, a little scared of the answer, but not able to wait to ask or play it cool. Allie seems so far away. Maybe Bea has irreversibly broken something between them by telling Allie the truth. Maybe everything is ruined now.

”I think so”, Allie says slowly. Bea thinks her voice sounds dull, like maybe she doesn’t mean it.

“Maybe it was selfish of me to say anything”, Bea says quietly. “I thought it was the right thing to do.”

Allie’s shoulders sag and her eyes grow soft. “It was. I’m glad you told me”, she says, finally moving closer to Bea. “It’s shit, but at least we can share the load now, right?”

”Yeah”, Bea says weakly. ”So… you don’t want us to break up or anything?”

”No!” Allie says, looking baffled. ”No way.”

Bea releases a sigh that she didn’t know she had been holding. It sounds almost like a sob.

Allie sinks down beside her on the bed. ”You idiot”, Allie murmurs and puts her forehead against Bea’s shoulder, and Bea leans close so she can rest her cheek against the top of Allie’s head. Just that small contact calms her. Feeling distance between them makes her out of sorts. “I want to know you. Not just the good parts. Everything.”

The words lift a weight off Bea’s shoulders, she can actually feel herself get lighter. She feels extremely lucky and grateful.

“Me too.”

Allie smiles at her sadly. “I’m warning you. I’ve done a lot of fucked up things in my day.”

“Doesn’t matter to me”, Bea says. “Besides, I really don’t think I should be one to judge.”

“At least you did the things you did for valid reasons. I mostly did a lot of crazy shit just to get high. Or while high.”

Bea shrugs. “At least you didn’t murder anyone in cold blood.”

Allie bursts out laughing, and it diffuses the tension that is left. “Touché.”

Bea looks at Allie and smiles. She is so beautiful and kind. At this point, Bea doesn’t think there is anything she could find out about Allie that could change her feelings for her. It’s much too late for that. She recalls how she couldn’t help but still being hopelessly in love with Allie even when she thought Allie had conspired to kill her. How those feelings lingered and tortured her, even when she thought everything between them had been nothing but lies. Even when she wanted to hate Allie, she couldn’t bring herself to. She had tried her best to harden herself, to expunge Allie from her heart, but it had been impossible. She knows she is in this for as long as Allie will have her.

Allie smiles back at Bea, a bit of spark back in her eyes. “I like it when you look at me like that.”

Realizing she has been caught staring, Bea flushes a little. “It’s hard not to.”

“I know.” Allie winks at her, then she pulls at Bea’s hand so they can move back towards the wall and lean against it. Allie entwines their fingers and put their hands in her own lap. Bea settles close, enjoying being pressed against Allie’s side. ”I thought about something last night.”

”Yeah?”

”You said once that you didn’t want to be the reason I didn’t do drugs.”

”That was a long time ago.”

”Yeah, but you had a point. I didn’t see it then. Everything that happened, with my relapse and all that… I thought I was on top of things, but I wasn’t. When I thought you hated me, I just didn’t care what happened to me. Over a year of being clean and I didn’t give a fuck.”

”Sorry”, Bea mutters. She really is a monumental fuck up when it comes to this relationship.

”No, this is so not about that”, Allie says, putting a reassuring hand on Bea’s thigh. ”I was just thinking, it shouldn’t be all on you. That’s a huge thing to put on somebody. It’s not fair.” Allie sighs. ”So. I’m thinking, I might start seeing Westfall for a bit. She said she had some strategies to help me stay sober.”

”Do you feel an urge to use?”

”Sometimes. It passes. But yeah. A bit more often since my relapse. I know I said I didn’t need drugs anymore, and I don’t when I’m with you. But you can’t be my new drug, you know what I mean?”

Bea nods. It’s a bit worrying that Allie still feels the urges, but she supposes it is to be expected. She really likes that Allie is confiding in her and wants to do something about it.

”I feel fine most of the time, honestly”, Allie continues. ”I just want to be able to keep control of it, no matter what happens. I tried going to NA a few times on the outside, but all the sharing and praying got a bit much… Maybe this one on one thing will work better for me.”

”It’s great that you wanna give it a go”, Bea says, feeling genuinely happy. ”It’s a good idea.”

”Alright”, Allie says, smiling. ”I’ll make an appointment with her first thing.”

Bea strokes Allie’s hair and squeezes her shoulder. ”I’m proud of you.”

”Thanks.” A slight blush shows up on Allie’s cheeks, and Bea is delighted. Allie is usually notoriously cool, unlike Bea. ”So…”

”What?”

”Do you think you could agree to go see Westfall too? As a regular thing?”

”Me?” Bea says, bewildered. ”What, you mean like couple’s therapy?”

”No”, Allie chuckles. ”We’ve only been together five minutes. Let’s save that for in a few years time, yeah. I mean on your own.”

”Oh. That’s… No. I don’t need that.”

”You sure about that?”

Bea squirms, feeling uneasy. ”Yeah.”

”Bea”, Allie says steadily, her voice demanding that Bea look at her. ”You basically tried to kill yourself recently. And the cutting—”

”But that’s over”, Bea says. ”I’m fine now.”

”Are you?” Allie asks. ”But what happens if we fight? Or if we break up, or if one of us gets transferred?” She hesitates for a moment. ”When I get out?” she murmurs.

Bea feels her chest strain at the mere thought. ”Do we really have to talk about this right now?”

”I think we do. If you’d died…” Allie stumbles a little on the words. ”Or if you just dumped me today, I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t go put whatever the fuck I could find up my nose.”

”Don’t say that…”

”You wanted to hear the bad stuff. That’s it. I don’t want it to be like that, but right now it is. But I want it to change.”

That sounds great to Bea, but she really does not want to go see Westfall herself. She has nothing against the woman, she is okay in small doses, but she knows all shrinks want to go digging through the past. Things you cannot change. It’s pointless.

”What would you do if we weren’t able to be together anymore, for whatever reason?” Allie asks.

Bea doesn’t have an answer. She needs Allie like she has never needed anything, ever. It’s true that she uses Allie as a lifeline, she knows that. The bleakness of her life in prison and the complete lack of hope without Allie could swallow her up if she let it. ”I don’t want to think about that.”

”I love you”, Allie says softly, and hearing the words fills Bea’s chest with pleasant pain. ”But I can’t be the only reason you’re not hurting yourself. You need to do that for yourself too.”

”So you think I need a shrink.”

”So what? You think _I_ need one.”

”That’s not… That’s different!” Bea sputters.

”Why? Because I’m a junkie?”

”That’s not what I mean”, Bea says defensively.

”Then why do you think I should see Westfall and not you? We both have our issues. They’re different, sure. But we both got ’em. Both of us are completely fucked without the other and do stupid shit to ourselves when things get hard.”

Allie does have a point, Bea has to admit that to herself. She makes a noncommittal sound.

”I just want us to be strong apart so we can be even stronger together.” Allie makes a disgusted face. ”Ugh. That sounded like something from a stupid fucking pamphlet, I know. But you get what I mean.”

”I just think it’s unnecessary.”

”Come on Bea. Don’t be so fucking stubborn.”

Bea sighs and rubs her brow.

”Or we could just leave it. Neither of us will go, how about that?” Allie says lightly.

Bea looks up at Allie. She really wants Allie to get the support she needs. More than anything, she wants for her to be able to stay clean and healthy.

”This is emotional blackmail”, Bea mutters.

”Damn right it is. And I’m totally hoping that you if won’t do it for yourself, you’ll do it for me.”

”You _just said_ I should do things for me and not you”, Bea says, exasperated.

”Well. You’ll get there eventually. Right now I’m using your weaknesses against you.”

Bea can’t help but laugh quietly at Allie’s open attempts at manipulation, despite wanting to be annoyed. ”You’re totally tricking me in to agreeing to this.”

”You have things to learn about being with a woman, babe. We’re fucking cunning, first of all. Especially lesbians.”

Bea snorts.

”Please, Bea. Just try it out. Just a few sessions, see how it feels.”

Bea wants to refuse and just let things be, like she always have. But there’s something in the way Allie is asking her, Bea can tell it means a lot to Allie, and she feels her resolve slipping despite wanting to resist. ”Fine”, she says through clenched teeth.

”Great.” Allie beams and kisses Bea’s cheek. ”Thank you. I’m really glad.”

Bea just grumbles and crosses her arms, feeling like a sulking teenager who just got told off by her mother. Allie looks positively cheerful, a complete turnaround from when she first showed up.

”Hey”, Allie whispers, putting her chin on Bea’s shoulder. ”Wanna make out?”

”I’m not in the mood”, Bea says, ignoring the fluttering in her stomach.

”Cause you’re mad at me?”

”I’m not mad, I’m… mildly annoyed.”

”Oh. Right”, Allie snickers.

”You’re making fun of me.”

”Just a little”, Allie says innocently, moving closer. ”You’re just so cute when you’re pissy.”

”I’m not cute”, Bea says, her voice not nearly as defensive as she meant it to be. She feels herself lean closer to Allie despite herself.

”Whatever you say.” Allie draws her finger along Bea’s arm, making her shiver.

”One of the screws might see.”

”They work in a women prison. I think they’ve seen worse.”

Bea gives up then and kisses Allie, who sighs and opens her mouth to let her in. Soon, Bea’s hands are in Allie’s hair and Allie is clutching at Bea’s sweater, pulling her closer.

”Jesus”, Allie pants. ”If this is the way you kiss when you’re mad, remind me to piss you off more often.”

”I said I’m not mad”, Bea growls, and kisses Allie harder.

—

The next day, they are given a real treat, and are able to spend a few hours of quality time together in Bea’s cell. It feels like the first time since they both returned from hospital that they have enough time to really enjoy each other’s company for a longer stretch. They spend the afternoon snuggled close on the bed, holding hands and talking, Allie makes Bea laugh so hard that her wounds ache when she compares Ms. Miles to Mama Morton from Chicago.

”I swear, _if you put in for Smiles, she’ll put out for you_ ”, Allie sings, slightly off key.

”Don’t let her hear, she’ll slot you for sure”, Bea hisses between fits of laughter. She doesn’t even know if it’s that funny, objectively, it’s just Allie, making everything joyful by just existing.

”She should take it as a compliment. It’s a tribute!”

”Oh, absolutely”, Bea chuckles.

Allie grins and kisses Bea softly, humming against her lips. Bea smiles into it. She doesn’t think she has smiled as much with anyone but Allie, save Debbie when she was little. It’s such a wonderful feeling, being close to someone who makes her feel giddy. It still feels like an entirely new experience.

”I have a feeling they’ll be letting me out of here soon”, Allie says.

”Oh”, Bea says, feeling both glad and disappointed at the same time. Glad that Allie is well enough to go back to gen pop, disappointed because she’ll miss her like crazy. ”Did the doctor say so?”

”Nah, not in so many words. He said I could probably go back to my normal routines soon. And I reckon Nurse Ratshit wants to get rid of me.”

”Who?” Bea laughs.

”Our resident ray of sunshine.” Allie makes a gesture in the direction of the nurse’s office. ”Boomer named her. Spot on if you ask me.”

”She is pretty terrible, isn’t she?”

”Ugh. Totally.”

Bea snuggles closer to Allie, playing with the hem of her shirt. ”You will watch your back when you get out of here, won’t you?”

”Yeah, ’course.”

”It bugs me that we still don’t know who helped the Freak, so you have to keep an eye out, okay?”

Allie turns to look at Bea. ”I promise. And you too, yeah?”

”I always do”, Bea says.

—


	10. Chapter 10

—

Allie stares at the wall of Bea’s cell, looking at her own portrait pinned to the board, next to Debbie and Bea’s friends. She is glad to be alone, because her sight grows blurry as she stares at the picture. The care and work that Bea has put in to the drawing, portraying Allie seemingly from memory, makes Allie’s heart throb. No one has ever done anything like that, watched her so intently. It’s a beautiful drawing, and Allie is amazed at how Bea sees her.

Bea hadn’t wanted to stop kissing and holding on to her last night, when they found out Allie would be getting out of medical the following morning. Allie understands very well that Bea is still afraid to be away from her. She feels the same. Too much has happened to the both of them for them to be comfortable with being apart from each other for longer periods of time. Allie had promised she would come see Bea every day if allowed.

H1 doesn’t seem right to Allie without Bea there. Allie hadn’t lived there long enough before to be completely at home, and it’s still Bea’s unit to her. The girls are doing their best to make her feel welcome back, and she is never left alone, someone is always keeping an eye out for her - which is endearing, but she has barely been back half a day and she already knows she is going to get annoyed by it eventually.

Allie has always been self sufficient - she has never really relied on anyone to take care of her in any way, except for Kaz and Bea, and she is a little uncomfortable with the extra attention. But she is still spooked by thoughts about the screw who helped Ferguson, and it’s much harder to avoid the officers back in H block. Suddenly they are everywhere, and Allie finds herself grateful for the company of Maxine, Boomer or Doreen.

They cannot be with her all the time, of course. They all have work to do. Allie has been put on light work duty to begin with, so she is just mopping floors on her own, women moving to and fro in the corridors. Allie is just shuffling along, keeping a rather slow pace. Her stamina still isn’t great and she has to pause once in a while to catch her breath. It is nice to have something to do other than just sit around though, but she is already missing Bea.

”Look who’s back, boys.”

Allie spins around to face Juice and her crew walking down the corridor towards her.

”It’s Bea’s thieving Polish princess.” The three of them circle around her, making sure she has nowhere to go.

Allie looks at Juice, giving her an apprising look. Likely, she just wants to stir up shit. ”Alright?”

”Yeah, we’re all fine, aren’t we boys?” The other two just nod and snicker. Fucking followers. Allie can’t stand these people.

”Do you mind?” Allie arches her eyebrow and sweeps the mop over the floor.

”By all means”, Juice says, making a grand gesture, allowing Allie to pass. ”You make sure to tell your lagging girlfriend we’ve missed her”, Juice calls after her. Allie turns, staring at Juice. ”Got a little prezzie for her when she comes back”, Juice says, her voice dripping with malice.

Allie’s chest grows cold with fear, and then something else. When sober, Allie has always prided herself with being able to keep her cool, but the fury that flares up in her now is a force she doesn’t recognize. It’s a kind of rage she has never felt, not even when she was punishing evil bastards with The Hand. In a second she is right up in Juice’s face. ”If you so much as lay a finger on her, I fucking swear to God…” Allie growls.

Juice laughs a hearty, dangerous laugh as her henches close in on Allie. ”What? What are you gonna do, eh? Everyone knows you can barely keep yourself upright, either of you. Getting Bea on her knees will be like stealing candy from a baby.”

Allie lunges herself at Juice without thinking, but the other two must have been expecting it because they pull her back before she has any chance to do any damage.

Of course, the rumors have spread. Everyone knows how weak they are. That familiar, dizzy feeling comes when Allie feels her chest tightening, straining for more air. Juice can probably see her breaking out in a sweat because her smug grin widens. Allie knows Juice is right, physically she doesn’t have much to put up against anyone right now, and Bea has got even less. Allie can’t even struggle to get out of their grip, her muscles feel like jelly. Despite the sudden lack of oxygen in her system, the anger and adrenaline pulls her through and she stares at Juice without blinking.

”I’m not impossible, though, love”, Juice continues, signing to her friends to let Allie go. ”If you’re that concerned, maybe we could make and arrangement…” Juice licks her lips provocatively and wiggle her eyebrows. ”Working girl like yourself must have a few tricks up your sleeve, eh.”

Disgust rises inside Allie, but she keeps it from her face. Instead she smiles, probably an unpleasant, forced smile. ”Sure. I know a few tricks.”

Juice cackles and her crew along with her.

Allie keeps the smile on her face, stepping even closer to Juice. ”I’m not sure you know why I’m in here…” she says, almost seductively, fighting the urge to smack the self-satisfied grin off Juice’s face. ”The last fucking rapist scum who put his hands on me is feeding through a straw.”

Juice’s face falls. She looks genuinely taken aback.

”Think about that”, Allie says, winking at Juice before taking her mop, strolling away.

It was a gamble, but none of them are following her, and as soon as she’s around the corner, she speeds up as much as she can, hurrying back to H1.

That’s where Maxine finds her, fifteen minutes later, sweating and still gasping for breath, clutching her inhaler hard in her hand.

”Allie. Love! Are you okay?”

”Yeah”, Allie gulps.

Maxine sits down opposite Allie, holding on to her hands. ”Should I go get someone?”

Allie shakes her head. ”It’ll pass.”

Maxine rubs at Allie’s knuckles and waits it out with her. Allie hasn’t had this kind of episode since Bea got back from the hospital, and she’s getting a little unsure of how much is purely physical and how much is an actual panic attack. The thought of anyone harming Bea, especially now, is scaring her to death.

When she finally regains her breath, she tells Maxine everything.

”You think she was serious or just stirring?” Maxine asks.

”Sounded fucking serious to me.” Allie shakes her head and looks at Maxine. ”It makes me sick thinking those bitches might go after Bea. You know what they are like.”

Maxine nods, looking deeply troubled. ”We’ll have to give Juice a talking to”, she says, looking resigned. Allie contemplates this. She knows Maxine is not well at all either.

”Normally I’d be all for it. But no offense Maxie, this is like the fucking geriatrics ward just now. What the hell have we got put up against Juice or anyone else? I’ll probably keel over as soon as someone makes a move, and you don’t look much better. That just leaves Boomer.”

Maxine hesitates, then shakes her head sadly. ”Boomer’s pregnant.”

”Holy shit…” Allie’s eyes widen. She had known they had been trying, Maxine had told her all about it when they spent time together in medical, but she hadn’t considered it might actually work. ”Wow. Congratulations!”

”It’s early days still,” Maxine says, looking wistful. ”It’s bad timing. It weakens us even more.”

”Don’t think about that”, Allie says. ”It’s great!” She squeezes Maxine’s hand. ”You’ll make a great mum.”

”You think?” Maxine asks.

”No doubts about it.”

”Thanks, love”, Maxine says, and Allie can see the happiness radiating from her eyes, through the mask of worry. ”So. What are we going to do then?”

”We’ll think of something”, Allie says. ”They won’t let Bea out for a while yet. We have some time.”

Maxine nods. She looks at Allie like she wants to say something.

”What?”

”Did you and the Red Right Hand really beat a guy so bad he’s feeding through a straw?”

”Shit no. We never did anything as bad as that. A few broken bones here and there, public humiliation, that sort of thing. Sounded better though, I thought.”

”It sounded terrifying.”

”Good”, Allie says and smiles.

—

Allie has been mulling over what to do about Juice all day. Since they lack muscle, they have to use another strategy, and she thinks she has found the answer. She brought up her plan to Maxine, who agreed that it was probably a necessary evil for the time being.

She finds herself out in the yard, where she approaches the benches where Kaz is holding court with her crew.

”Hi,” she says, not getting to close, since the other girls are throwing her hostile looks as soon as they see her.

”Hey! I heard they finally let you out.” Kaz herself doesn’t seem hostile at all, she actually looks glad to see Allie.

”Can I have a word?” Allie asks, jerking her head to the right.

”Sure,” Kaz says softly, and follows her without hesitation. Allie can feel the eyes of the members of her former crew boring into her neck. None of them have deigned to speak to her since Bea had her moved to H1, other than to throw her some lines about being a fucking traitor.

”How you doing?” Kaz asks, seeming genuinely concerned.

Allie shrugs. ”Better. Slowly but surely, you know?”

”That’s good.”

”Things change quickly around here”, Allie says, subtly eyeing the crowd of junkies that seems to have tripled since Bea was top dog.

”What do you mean?”

”I hear this place is properly overflowing with gear, and you’re letting it.”

”I have an… agreement with Tina.” Kaz actually looks pained.

Allie understands that pain perfectly. On the outside, Kaz had been a fierce advocate against drugs. All those high held principles she valued have been hard to hold on to in here. ”Not all it’s cracked up to be, eh? Being top dog?”

Kaz sighs. ”I’m learning it’s all about _compromise_.”

”Right, well. Make sure you don’t lose sight of yourself while you’re at it.”

”Yeah.” Kaz smiles sadly. ”I’ve missed you, mate.”

For a moment, Allie entertains the idea that they might be friends again. There is still love there. Maybe there always will be. For a long time Kaz was the most important person in her life, and a part of her misses her too. But some things are hard to forgive.

”I’m here about Bea”, Allie says.

”Yeah? What about her?” Kaz’s voice betrays a slight tension and her eyes grow a little flinty. Allie elects to ignore it.

”I know that some people might want to have a go at her when she returns to H block.”

Kaz just shrugs, looking irritated.

”You, maybe?” Allie inquires. She hadn’t worried about Kaz doing something to Bea, but maybe that was a miscalculation.

”I wasn’t planning on it, but that all depends on her, doesn’t it?” Kaz huffs. ”Is she going to start trouble?”

”No”, Allie says firmly. ”She’s not interested in your position. We just want to be left alone.”  
   
”Oh, yeah?”

”Yeah.”

”Then there shouldn’t be any problems, then, should it?”  
   
Allie isn’t quite satisfied with that answer, but she is appeased for now. She trusts that Kaz won’t do anything to Bea if she doesn’t feel provoked into it. She supposes that is as good as reassurance she is ever going to get on that front. ”I’d like your guarantee that she’s off limits. No one messes with her.”  
   
Kaz looks skeptical. ”Why would I do that?”  
   
”I’ll owe you one. Whatever you want.” Allie tries not to sound desperate, but Kaz knows her well enough to understand that she is.

”I’ve heard rumours but… Is she really that bad off?” Kaz whispers. The flint has gone out of her eyes.

”Ferguson practically gutted her”, Allie says between clenched teeth, making sure no one else is listening in. ”It’s a miracle she’s even alive.” To her horror, she feels a hot tear fall down her cheek, and she wipes it away quickly, but Kaz has already seen it. ”Please Kaz. You know there are arseholes in here that would love to kick her when she’s down. I can’t handle anything else happening to her.”

Kaz stares at Allie for a long moment. ”You really love her, don’t you?” Kaz asks, as if she’s just now realizing this.

”Yes! Please, just do this for me.” Allies does her best to keep her voice steady. ”I’ll do anything you want.”

Kaz sighs and looks sad. ”You don’t have to do anything, kiddo.” She squeezes Allie’’s shoulder. ”When the time comes, I’ll spread the word.”

Allie sighs in relief. ”Thank you.”

”No worries”, Kaz murmurs and walks back to her crew, turning to nod back at Allie.

—

Maybe Allie should have foreseen that this wouldn’t go over well with Bea, but truth be told, she had been too busy thinking about ways to protect her to consider anything else.

”Why the hell did you go to Kaz?” Bea snarls, pacing the small holding cell.

”Um. Because she’s the only one who can do anything about this right now?”

”I can take care of myself”, Bea growls. ”I don’t need her help.”

”It was the only option I could think of. What was I supposed to do, just let Juice and her goons bash you?”

Bea shrugs. ”It’s inevitable. I lagged. It’s the way things go in here. If it’s not Juice, it will be someone else.”

”But what if they hurt you worse?”

”I can take it.”

Allie laughs angrily. ”No, you fucking can’t. Jesus! They might actually kill you if they punch you in the guts. You don’t know that!”

Bea looks at her darkly. ”What do you want me to say?”

”Oh, I don’t know. How about _’Thanks Allie for making sure I don’t get bashed to death first thing when I get out of here_?””

Bea frowns. ”They’ll know I’m weak.”

”Everyone already knows, Bea. They’re not stupid.”

Bea turns her back against Allie, staring into the wall.

”Listen. I don’t care about your pride or respect or whatever it is you’re worried about. I care about you not getting bashed or ganged or whatever the fuck they’re planning. That’s all I care about.”

Bea doesn’t look at her, and Allie feels supremely misunderstood. She was just trying to do the right thing, and she is angry that Bea is refusing to understand that.

”Aren’t you gonna talk to me now?” she asks. Bea is silent, giving her the cold shoulder and Allie sighs. ”Fine. Be like that”, she says, and starts to turn to leave.

She is halfway out in the corridor when Bea calls ”Wait! Allie stops in her tracks and goes back inside the cell. Bea looks resigned and tired. ”Don’t go yet,” she pleads. That’s face, and that voice, full of regret, is all it takes for Allie to forgive Bea and the anger just runs away from her.

”I’m sorry if you feel like I went over your head”, Allie says. ”It’s just, Maxine’s too sick, Boomer’s fucking pregnant and I’m weak as piss right now. I probably can’t do much for you if you need it.” She walks closer to Bea, who lets her step into her personal space. Allie takes her hand and squeezes it lightly. ”Do you know how helpless that makes me feel?”

Bea gives her a long look, and it softens in degrees. ”Yeah, I do,” Bea murmurs.

”Good”, Allie sighs. ”Then you know why I did it.”

”Yeah”, Bea says quietly. ”I know. Doesn’t mean I like it, though.”

”You don’t have to like it,” Allie says. ”You just have to be safe.”

—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going on vacation, so there will only be this one update this week. In the next chapter, Bea will be returning to H block, so stay tuned. :)


	11. Chapter 11

—

”Is there something particular on your mind, Bea?” Ms. Westfall asks.

Bea shrugs, feeling uneasy.

”You asked to see me”, Ms. Westfall points out.

”I know”, Bea sighs. ”To be honest Ms. Westfall, I only made this appointment because Allie asked me to.”

”Please, call me Bridget.” Bea feels weird about calling prison staff by their first name, but she nods all the same. ”So you don’t really want to be here?”

”Not really.”

Bridget doesn’t seem the slightest bit offended by Bea’s honesty. ”Why do you think Allie wants you to see me?”

”I guess she’s worried about me.”

”Why is that?”

”Because of everything that’s happened lately”, Bea says. She can’t go into detail about anything to do with Ferguson, but she knows there are other things on Allie’s mind as well. She reckons she might as well mention them. Allie won’t be happy with her if she tells her she didn’t say a thing during this whole session. ”And um… maybe because of, you know, my scarring.” She makes a motion towards her thigh. ”From before.”

Bridget nods in understanding. ”Do you think she has any reason to worry?”

”Not right now. But I worry about her too, so I get it.”

”But you don’t think you need therapy?”

”Nah. I’ve always dealt with things on my own.”

”Has that worked out well for you in the past?”

Bea chuckles a little, mirthlessly. ”Not really. I’ve always been kind of a loner, not really letting anyone close. But I want that to change, I think. For Allie.”

”Maybe things are changing already?” Bridget says. ”You’re here, aren’t you?”

”Yeah.” Bea nods, feeling hope flicker a little in her chest. ”I am.”

—

As Bea finally walks through the gates of H-block alongside Mr. Jackson, the women hovering in the halls still and their conversations grow quiet. Bea keeps her back straight, her posture confident, without a trace of fragility. She knows the wolves will immediately smell any trace of blood, but she won't give any of them the satisfaction of seeing her strength diminished. 

Some of the women glare at her, some nod, some say "Hey Bea" or even "Welcome back". Bea responds in kind, scanning the corridors for hidden threats. No one is looking especially cunning today, but she also knows no one will go for her throat right now, with Mr. Jackson by her side.

She manages the walk to H-block well, all things considered. She has been working out in her cell as much as possible the last few weeks, but there are still a lot she can't do due to residual pain and the risk of hurting herself if she puts o much strain on her abs. She does feel much stronger though, and she is actually excited to get back to her unit, to her friends and most of all Allie. Bea can't remember ever feeling excited about anything in this place before Allie came around, and it's a nice feeling. They have been able to see each other almost every day since Allie got released back into general, but it hasn't been nearly enough.

It's rec time, just before dinner. When Bea steps into H1 she is only greeted by Boomer, lying on the couch, watching telly with Sonia reading a magazine beside her.

"Well, look who it is”, Sonia says, taking off her reading glasses and nodding at Bea.

"Bloody hell! Bea! You're back!" Boomer exclaims when she sees her. She is off the couch in a heartbeat. 

"Yeah, seems like it. I heard the news", Bea says, eyeing Boomers belly with a smile. She isn't showing yet. "Congratulations." 

"Ah, thanks", Boomer says and beams. "Though the mornings are horrible yeah, I'm puking my guys out everyday after breakfast."

Bea had been the same. She had been so sick that she actually lost weight the first few months she was pregnant with Debbie. But she doesn't have time to say anything about that before Boomer continues.

"Allie is gonna lose her shit when she finds out you're back. Allie! ALLIE!" Boomer belts.

"For God's sake Susan, use your indoor voice", Sonia mutters, rubbing her temple.

"Sorry", Boomer says sheepishly.

"Alright, where's the fire?" Allie calls, coming out of Maxine's cell, stopping in her tracks when she sees Bea. 

"Hi", Bea says, secretly delighting in Allie's shocked expression.

"You're back?” Allie breathes.

"Yep." Bea grins and opens her arms for Allie, who steps into the embrace fully.

"About time", she sighs into Bea's neck. 

"You're so bloody dramatic, Blondie!" Boomer laughs. "You just saw her yesterday."

"Doesn't matter", Allie says. "She's home now." Allie grins at Bea, and kisses her cheek, making her flush a little by being so openly affectionate. "Why didn't you tell me you were coming back?"

"I wasn't sure the governor would sign off on it until today."

Maxine comes out of her cell, looking tired but very happy as she hugs Bea tightly. Liz and Doreen come trickling in to the unit after a while, also delighted to see her back. And Bea feels content, she is with her family. A deep sense of belonging overcomes her, something she has never felt on this side of the bars. She feels close to weeping, but manages to hide it. She just clutches Allie’s hand as the whole crew walk off to dinner together.

In the mess hall, everyone have clearly already heard the news of Bea's return. A few of Juice's boys bark loudly at her when she passes them, which she responds to with a withering glare. Maxine and Allie elbows themselves in between Bea and the hecklers.

It’s tense, everyone is watching Bea and Kaz’s crew. Bea feels on edge, waiting for something to erupt. This is the first time the new top dog and the old one is in the same room, after all. It’s so quiet you could hear a pin drop. After a few minutes, Kaz rises and walks over to Bea’s table. 

"Welcome back, Bea", she says, giving Liz a pointed look, making her scoot over so she can sit down next to Bea.

"Thanks", Bea says.

"So, how you feeling?" Kaz asks, and Bea suppresses an impulse to roll her eyes. She knows why Kaz is doing this, she is showing the women that she and Bea are all good, it's a signal to them more than anything else. Allie rubs her knee under the table, willing her to play nice, and Bea answers all of Kaz's inquiries with polite patience.

After a few minutes, Kaz stands up to go back to her own table, she turns and says, loud enough so everyone will hear: ”Joan Ferguson is finally getting what's coming to her, thanks to you."

The room starts buzzing with agreeing murmurs.

"Damn right!" someone shouts.

Boomer yells "Fuck the Freak!” and starts to bang her cup against the table. Soon, others are joining in, the slammer of cups loud in the mess hall. Not everyone is enthusiastic, of course. Juice is looking surly as hell, and crosses her arms demonstratively.

”Alright, ladies! Settle down”, Mr. Jackson calls over the racket and the noise eventually dies down.

Bea has to admit she is a little relieved. She is still a bit miffed about getting protection from Kaz of all people, and there are certainly no guarantees that Kaz will keep everyone in line - Bea doesn't know what kind of hold Kaz has on the women yet. She knows she will do well to watch her back for a while, but at least there are no calls for her head on a plate by the majority of the women just yet.

\--

Kaz comes to H1 to see Bea again just before lock up. All of Bea’s friends disappear into their cells, giving them some privacy.

"Just a heads up. Tina isn't happy”, Kaz says, looking a little worn. ”She's gotten more time because of you. I told her to leave it, but I’m not sure she will. So keep an eye out.”

"Why are you helping me?” Bea asks. ”What's in it for you?" 

Kaz seems to genuinely ponder the question for a moment. ”I want Allie to be happy. The kid's had a shitty life. She deserves good things coming to her.”

Bea can’t disagree with that, so she just nods.

”Even though I've never understood her taste in women”, Kaz jabs, without much bite.

Bea snorts. ”You just couldn’t resist that one, could you.”

”Too good to pass up.” Kaz smiles crookedly. "You better do right by her. She’s one of the good ones.”

”Believe me, I know.”

Kaz shoves her hands in her pockets, and turns to leave.

”Kaz?” Bea calls after her. ”Thanks for doing this.” It pains her a little to say it, but she reckons she ought to. ”I won’t forget it.”

\--

"I've got this brew cooked up special", Boomer says excitedly, as soon as they are locked up and the screws have left. She whips out a bottle of cloudy yellow liquid. ”I can't drink it myself, mind, but you lot got to party now that Bea's back!”

Liz looks slightly uncomfortable, like she always does when alcohol is around, but Sonia, Doreen and Allie all let out delighted shouts. Maxine just agrees to a small sample for good measure.

Even though Bea doesn't normally drink, especially not Boomer's grog, she lets Boomer fill up her cup to the sound of excited cheers from the others. She feels quite different tonight, like she is starting a new chapter in her life, and she might as well indulge a little and join the celebrations.

The brew is strong, and it burns all the way down before it settles in her stomach.

"It tastes like shit", Bea whispers to Allie when no one is looking.

"Just hold your nose and look happy, she's been saving this for your return”, Allie whispers back, clanking their cups together.

They sit close on the couch, neither of them able to stop touching the other. Bea has got her arm around Allie's shoulders, then Allie has a hand on her thigh. Even though they might be talking to someone else, there is always some part of their bodies connected.

 "I can't believe we're finally back here together", Allie murmurs happily. ”Feels like it’s been ages.”

”It has.” Bea smiles and gives Allie a kiss, which is interrupted by loud hooting from Boomer. It makes Bea roll her eyes to hide her embarrassment. 

"You sure there's nothing strong in your cup there, Booms?" Allie laughs.

"Nah, no way. Bubba isn't getting any grog before he's at least 30!" Boomer says, and pats her belly.

”30? I never would have picked you for the strict one, Booms”, Doreen chuckles.

”Someone’s gotta be, eh? It ain’t gonna be Maxie, she’s way too soft.”

Everyone laughs, and Bea looks at Maxine, who is practically glowing with happiness. Bea raises her cup towards Maxine, and they lock eyes. ’Love you’, Maxine mouths at her, and Bea mimics the gesture.

Boomer puts on some music and they all sit around, talking and laughing. Bea observes them all, like she normally does, watching everyone she cares about gathered around her, feeling her chest growing warm, and not just from the alcohol.

"This is terrible Susan, but it's really doing the trick." Sonia says, already looking soused.

"What did I tell you, eh?" Boomer grins, filling Sonia's empty cup. "Alright. To Bea!" 

”To Bea!” everyone shouts.

"And Allie”, Maxine says.

"Hear, hear!” Bea says.

They have fun, and Bea actually gets a nice little buzz going for the first time in forever and a day. She laughs at some story Sonia tells about some ridiculous man she enjoyed putting in his place when she was running her company. It’s easy and light and everyone are enjoying themselves.

She remembers participating in the fun when she was new at Wentworth, mostly a bit shyly from the side. Finding camaraderie with friends for the first time since adolescence had felt good to her then, despite everything, but all that had kind of stalled when she lost Debbie. She hadn't had a single reason to enjoy life since then, until now. She watches Allie, who is in a deep conversation with Maxine, and feels, for the first time, since she came to this godforsaken place, at home.

Allie must have been feeling Bea's eyes on her, because she turns to look at her. 

"You alright?" Allie asks.

"I'm good", Bea says, holding out her arm so Allie can come closer and let Bea put her arm around her shoulders again. Even though Bea didn’t have time to completely get used to this kind of public closeness before everything went crazy, it feels just as natural as it ever did. Like being by Allie’s side like this is where she is meant to be.

Allie takes Bea's hand that is resting on her shoulder. "Can I stay with you tonight?" she asks quietly, touching Bea's wrist just below her sweater.

Bea feels immediately flushed hot by the innocent enough question. "Yeah. Please do."

If there is one thing she needs, it is to sleep beside Allie, to finally feel her close without interruptions. There are other things she needs too, and by the wicked look Allie gives her it is showing all over her face.

"Righto", Allie murmurs, and kisses Bea just underneath her ear, a subtle hint of tongue against her skin. Bea shudders and tries to hide it from the others, but they are not paying attention anyway, all of them lost in conversation or the music.

”Behave yourself”, Bea chastises, completely lacking any authority.

Allie’s eyes are sparkling. ”You gonna make me?” she asks, her voice dripping with so much innuendo Bea has to turn away for a second as she feels her world tilt a little.

—


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm changing the rating from M to E with this chapter.

—

Allie leans against the frame of Bea’s cell door, dressed for bed. Everyone else have turned themselves in for the night. After the grog ran out, they soon started to drop off one by one. Bea could only manage one cup, so she feels almost sober again. Allie crosses her arms and smirks at Bea, looking at her in a way that makes Bea grow warm all over.

”Come in”, Bea says, her voice husky.

Allie steps inside, pushing the door shut. Bea feels herself almost muddled with nerves. They haven’t been alone like this since their last night together before everything went insane. They’ve spent their time in medical in a fishbowl so it feels kind of odd to finally be alone, just the two of them with a whole night stretched out before them, and Bea is at a loss as to what to do with herself.

Ever knowing, Allie strokes Bea’s cheek with the back of her hand. ”Let’s just lay down for a bit?”

Bea nods, and Allie crawls in first, laying on her side to make room for Bea to lay down on her back. The bed is narrow, but it’s so nice to feel Allie’s body pressed close to her side that Bea has to draw a breath and let out a shaky sigh. She lifts her arm so Allie can put her head on her shoulder.

Allie snuggles closer and Bea squeezes her tight, and they stay like that for a long time, just basking in the intimacy of finally just being alone together without an audience.

Allie starts to paint patterns on Bea’s cheeks with her fingertips. She lets her fingers travel down her neck, over her clavicles, her arms, over her side. It lulls Bea, not to sleep, but it’s giving her the most profound satisfaction, it calms her down to her core. She could stay like this all night. She can’t help but sigh a little when Allie brushes a particularly nice spot.

“You’re like a cat, you know that?” Allie says, her voice full of mirth. ”I don’t think I’ve never known a human who likes to be touched as much as you.”

Bea flushes, knowing it’s probably true. They had spent a lot of time in medical, Allie just touching Bea lightly like this. Bea has been starving for this kind of touch her entire life, without even knowing it. Now, she can’t get enough.

“Sorry.”

“Stop it”, Allie laughs. “I’m not complaining.” She lets her nails scrape across the back of Bea’s scull, making her shiver. “To be honest it’s a complete turn-on.”

Bea feels her chest tighten and expand with warmth. She is smiling stupidly at Allie. ”Yeah?”

”Yeah, well, basically everything you do turns me on, so.”

Bea laughs. ”Now you’re just laying it on real thick, aren’t you.”

”Is it working?” Allie asks, quirking her eyebrow playfully.

”Maybe”, Bea replies, smirking. She turns fully towards Allie and crawls close, closing the distance between them, letting her lips brush Allie’s, who responds at once. Bea allows herself to truly indulge in Allie’s kisses without restraint for the first time in so long. When Allie brushes her tongue against Bea’s bottom lip, Bea opens her mouth to let her in, making a needy sound as soon as the kiss deepens. Allie gasps and puts a hand on Bea’s throat, stroking lightly, while kissing Bea like no one ever has before.

It escalates quickly from then on. Soon, they’re kissing with a frantic urgency, every kiss melting into the next, making Bea dizzy with want. It’s like the floodgates have finally opened. They have been forced to contain themselves for so long, and now they are finally free to just go for it. Bea pulls Allie tightly against her.

”Oh my God”, Allie mutters between kisses. ”I’ve been missing this so much. You have no idea.”

”I have, too”, Bea manages, nipping at Allie’s lips, making her groan.

Allie works her hand under Bea’s shirt and cups her breast, the brush of her thumb over Bea’s nipple sending tendrils of pleasure down between Bea’s legs, making her hips jump of their own accord.

Bea gasps as pain shoots through her abdomen.

”You okay?” Allie asks, looking alarmed.

”It’s fine.” She kisses Allie again and wills herself to keep going, but there’s a stiffness in her body now, like she is waiting to hurt again. Allie lets her hands stroke up and down Bea’s ribs.

“Hey”, she whispers. ”We don’t have to do anything. I know you’re still in pain.”

Harry wouldn’t have cared about her injuries or her pain, Bea thinks. He would just have expected her to take it. It’s still so strange to her, the way Allie is acting when it comes to sex. Bea knows Allie wants it, she has known it since the first time they were together in a shower stall. And it’s obvious she wants it now. But she doesn’t impose. She waits, and asks, and listens. And Bea is slowly learning how to use her own voice.

”It’s not that I don’t want to”, Bea says, wanting more than anything for Allie to understand that. ”I _do_ ”, she breathes. ”But it’s just… it… it hurts.” She makes a gesture towards her stomach.

”Bea.” Allie cradles her cheek, looking at her softly. ”It’s fine. I want you to be able to enjoy it.”

Bea sighs in relief and gratitude. The mixture of deep want and the anticipation of pain are confusing her. She just knows that she doesn’t want to mix pain with the pleasure she feels with Allie. She is beyond grateful that Allie accepts it without hesitation. Yet another thing she isn’t used to.

”I just like being close to you,” Allie murmurs, stroking the nape of Bea’s neck and making her shudder.

”Me too”, Bea whispers and kisses her again.

Before Allie, she never knew kissing could be so wonderful, how it would slow all her senses down and make her frenzied at the same time. She lets herself be swept away by the sensations. They make out for a long time, just delighting in the taste and feel of each other.

—

Bea can’t keep her hands still. She touches Allie everywhere, strokes her sides and arms, her back, and along her neck, down to grace her breast. It’s wonderfully soft in her palm. Allie’s breath hitches and the sound makes Bea ache. She lets her mouth drift to Allie’s neck and collarbone, reveling in the creamy skin and listening to Allie’s quiet moans. It fuels her desire, and she just wants more of the same, more of Allie squirming underneath her hands. She pushes Allie’s t-shirt up, revealing her breasts. Bea’s breath catches at the sight, and without thinking she bends down to kiss them, delighted by Allie’s breathless response.

Suddenly remembering that getting Allie gulping for breath might not be the best idea, Bea stops herself.

”You alright?”

”Don’t worry. I’ll let you know if I need a break.” Allie pulls Bea back in for a kiss.

Appeased, Bea kisses her back, and let her hands start traveling again. She loves having Allie touch her, it’s true, but she loves touching Allie just as much. Her skin is so soft and Bea just wants to make her feel as good as she possibly can. Bea is in awe of Allie’s beauty and the effect it has on her. She has never felt anything like it. She is throbbing between her own legs and every reaction she provokes in Allie is reflected back into Bea. She is overwhelmed by the sheer force of it.

She lets her hand stroke across Allie’s abdomen, feeling her fingers tremble as she tries to formulate her feelings.

”I could, touch you. If you want.”

Allie’s eyes are dark and hooded. ”Would you like that?” she asks lightly.

Bea’s voice is stuck in her throat, so she just nods with emphasis. Her skin is burning with wanting Allie.

Allie drags her own pajama bottoms down her legs and sits up to take off her t-shirt as well. She settles again next to Bea in nothing but her underwear, letting Bea look her fill.

”You’re so beautiful”, Bea husks, thinking that the word is too insignificant to describe the wonder she feels when seeing Allie like this. She places a shaking hand back on Allie’s stomach, stroking it lightly. Allie’s eyes flutter closed.

Bea grips at Allie’s hip and Allie gasps, her hips twitching. Bea’s head is swimming with all he possibilities, but she’s surprisingly calm. It feels so long ago since they did this, like it happened in another lifetime, yet every detail is clearly etched to Bea’s memory. She has no difficulty knowing what to do this time.

She bends down to kiss Allie, who has let go of her cool completely and is actually trembling with anticipation. That knowledge makes Bea’s pulse beat like a drum in her ears. Bea kisses her neck, letting her teeth grace Allie’s skin, making her shudder and gasp. Bea knows that Allie will wait her out and not demand anything, so she takes matters into her own hands and hooks her fingers into Allie’s underwear and drag them down her legs.

Allie starts pulling at Bea’s t-shirt. ”I have to see you too”, she says, urgency in her voice. Bea drags her shirt over her head and Allie stares at her body, biting her own lip. Allie strokes her hands over Bea’s sides, her fingers just gracing the sides of her breasts.

Bea thought it would be a bit of a struggle to find a position that isn’t a strain on her guts, but as she lowers herself over Allie, their breasts pressed together, it feels good. She is mindful not to move her own hips. She works her hand between their bodies, and when she feels Allie hot and wet beneath her fingers, her own gasp is as loud as Allie’s.

”Oh God”, Bea groans, feeling Allie for the first time in too long.

Allie throws her head back with a moan, clutching the pillow until her knuckles whiten. ”You feel it?” she gasps.

”Yeah”, Bea sighs, letting her fingers explore. As inexperienced as Bea is, there is no way she can miss exactly how excited Allie is and that knowledge sets fire to her mind. She remembers perfectly what will make Allie cry out underneath her, she has replayed everything in her mind a thousand times, and as she lets her fingers circle Allie’s clit, sure enough Allie’s hips shoot forward and she lets out a strangled sound that makes Bea’s head spin.

”Wait! Wait”, Allie gasps, gripping Bea’s bicep.

Bea stills instantly, removing her hand, worried that Allie is feeling sick. ”How are you-”

”I’m okay”, Allie says quickly, her breath strained. ”It’s just, I’m kind of wound up. If you keep doing that, I’ll come in about two seconds.”

”Oh”, Bea breathes, shivering at the thought of Allie being so close. ”Is-isn’t that the point, though?” she asks, feeling kind of dumb.

”Sometimes, yeah.” Allie smiles. ”Right now I’d love to feel you properly first”, she whispers, letting her hands caress up and down Bea’s arms. ”It’s been so long”, she sighs. ”Does that make you uncomfortable?”

”No”, Bea says truthfully. She understands the sentiment, even if she hasn’t had much experience with it. It had not taken her long to get overcome herself the first time Allie had touched her like this, she had been shocked and elated at how easy it had been for Allie to make her come. She never would have imagined it could be that way for her. But maybe sex doesn’t have to be goal oriented all the time. She very much likes the thought of making it last. ”So what do you want me to do?” she asks, her cheeks burning.

”Just take your time”, Allie murmurs, and licks at Bea’s lips. Bea parts her own lips and they kiss deeply until they’re both squirming before Bea moves her hand back between Allie’s legs. She keeps her touch light and fleeting, wanting more than anything to give Allie exactly what she needs.

There are many things about this relationship that have taken Bea by surprise. Her own reactions to Allie’s pleasure is perhaps the most shocking. She finds that it feeds something deep inside her to make Allie enjoy herself. Harry’s pleasure only ever caused her pain. But Allie, oh, Bea would do anything for her, gladly. Allie, who gives Bea so much herself. Bea only wants to show her how much it all means to her.

She kisses Allie’s neck in time with the movements of her hand, then her breasts, swirling her tongue against a nipple and sucking lightly. Allie moans at this and digs her fingers into Bea’s shoulder blades so Bea does it again and again. They’re both losing themselves into all the sensations of being together like this again.

After a while, without giving it much thought, Bea instinctually moves lower, placing open mouthed kisses on Allie’s ribs and abdomen. Allie works herself up on her elbows, staring down at Bea with hooded eyes, her chest heaving.

”Is-is it okay if I try to…?” Bea asks hoarsely, not able to fully say it, but she knows her meaning is clear.

Allie just nods, looking at Bea intensely, her thighs shaking.

Bea is nervous, but she finds she is desperate to finally taste Allie. It has been on her mind lately, like so many other things, and she wants to know every part of Allie, to give her everything she has to offer.

”Holy fuck”, Allie gasps as Bea licks her experimentally for the first time. Allie’s reaction gives Bea’s confidence a boost, and soon she is going at it like she cannot get enough. She tries to be careful, she basically does with her mouth what she did with her fingers earlier. Allie seems to be bursting at the seams and it makes Bea throb even harder between her own legs than before.

Bea looks up at Allie, finding her still on her elbows staring at her with darkened eyes, panting desperately. She realizes that Allie is watching her go down on her, and the thought would embarrass her, but she finds that it doesn’t. Instead, it makes her feel emboldened. She keeps going, slowly, watching Allie watching her. Allie’s hips move against her mouth, and Allie starts treading her fingers carefully through Bea’s hair. Bea begins to move her mouth and tongue more intently, not keeping it as light as before. Seeing and hearing Allie react to that gives her powerful jolt in her midsection. When she tries sucking a little, Allie moans deep in her throat and falls on her back, not able to keep herself upright anymore.

”Bea”, Allie gasps, her hand buried in Bea’s hair, her fingers pressing lightly against her scalp. ”Oh, fuck, Bea…”

Hearing Allie’s voice saying her name like that drives Bea crazy, and she finally moves her mouth higher to Allie’s clit, overcome with a frenzy that is completely new to her.

”Oh my God…” Allie sobs. ”Yes. Like that.”

Bea needs Allie to shatter underneath her, she needs it as much as she would need her own climax. It doesn’t take long before Allie’s thighs are pressing against her ears, her hips twitching involuntarily against Bea’s mouth. Bea keeps going, wanting to feel all of it. She is overwhelmed by how amazing it is, the taste and the scent and Allie coming against her mouth.

Eventually, Allie gently pushes her away and Bea rests her forehead on Allie’s stomach, panting for breath.

Allie pulls at her, and Bea crawls back up. Allie kisses her deeply, like she wants to sneak out the taste of herself from Bea’s mouth.

”You’re so fucking amazing”, Allie pants against Bea’s lips, seemingly unable to stop kissing her, despite being completely breathless. Eventually she does have to stop to draw a few deep breaths.

Bea settles beside her, stroking a path from Allie’s sternum to her bellybutton and back again. Bea’s underwear are uncomfortably wet, but despite not getting any release herself, she feels oddly satisfied and a little proud.

Allie’s eyes are hazy, and she looks both stunned and happy. Bea feels like she is about to burst with love and happiness. She presses close to Allie’s side, wrapping her arms around her in a big embrace. Allie is shaking a little and Bea pulls the blanket over them both. Allie clasps their hands together, entwining their fingers. Bea wants to say something, but big words have never been her thing and she doesn’t know what she could possibly say that would feel worthy of this experience. Allie seems to feel the same.

They just hold each other close as they both drift off to sleep.

—


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to anyone who commented on the latest chapter (and the whole fic), it really keeps the muse alive. <3

—

Allie wakes up to the sound of the voice on the intercom telling her the count will commence in ten minutes. As she stirs, she slowly becomes aware of the warm body next to her.

Oh. Right. Bea is back. And just last night, she blew Allie’s mind so thoroughly she might never recover. Allie opens her eyes with a smile on her lips, finding Bea already awake and watching her, her gaze warm and soft.

”Hi”, Allie murmurs.

”Hey”, Bea whispers.

”Were you watching me sleep?” Allie asks, charmed as Bea looks a little abashed.

”Only for a little while.”

”Really?” Allie says teasingly.

”Yes”, Bea mutters and silences Allie before she has a chance to tease her further, pressing her lips agains Allie’s.

Just like that, Allie doesn’t care about teasing, or anything other than the softness of Bea’s mouth against hers. She is still sleepy and kisses Bea back lazily at first. Bea seems to have been awake for a while, her kisses are hungry and purposeful. Allie feels a fever break through her body and starts to pull at the blanket that has become a barrier between them. She drags it away and pushes their bodies flush together, listening to Bea gasp when they are skin against skin again. Allie suddenly feels wide awake, nerves alight with wanting. Bea palms Allie’s breast and Allie can’t suppress a deep groan. Just as she is about to fall into a well of intense desire, Bea pats her shoulder.

”The count”, Bea says urgently.

”Shit”, Allie exclaims, having completely forgotten about that already. She practically falls out of bed, scrambling for her clothes that she tossed to the floor the night before. It’s a near thing, but she makes it to the door of her own cell just as Mr. Stewart steps in to the unit.

As he calls their names one by one, Boomer starts to snicker in Allie’s direction.

”Something funny, Jenkins?” Mr. Stewart asks.

”Nah, not a thing Mr. Stewart”, Boomer deadpans.

As soon as he leaves, Boomer grins at Allie again. ”Nice one, Allie.”

”What?” she asks, but Boomer just chuckles louder and goes on her merry way.

”You’ve got your shirt on backwards, love”, Liz says discreetly, a well intentioned smile on her lips.

”And inside out”, Doreen laughs, not discreetly at all.

Allie isn’t one to be embarrassed easily so she just grins and looks down at herself, and sees that they are perfectly right. She is pretty sure her hair is all over the place and her lips swollen with kisses too. When she looks over at Bea, she is looking slightly mortified by the exchange, but most of all happy.

—

Allie smirks at Bea in the lunch line, as she serves her some mixed veggies. Allie is back at work full time now, so she wasn’t able to linger in H1 on Bea’s first morning back, which was a damn shame, considering how things started out. She has felt completely dazed the entire day and very nearly hacked off her fingertips when she was daydreaming while dicing some onions earlier. She can’t wait to get out of her apron and go back to being alone with Bea.

Bea barely looks at Allie over the counter, but when their eyes do meet, Bea’s eyes reminds Allie of the first times they spent together in the equipment room, when she felt like her skin might catch fire from the way Bea was gazing at her.

Allie can’t think of a single clever thing to say, she just stares at Bea longingly and Maxine has to clear her throat to get some service when it’s her turn. Maxine beams at Allie, and Allie smiles back and shrugs. She is a lost cause and she knows it.

—

”Why are you walking around on your own?” Bea chastises as they run in to each other at the bottom of the stairs, after Allie’s shift in the kitchen is over and Bea is on her way to the laundry.

”You are too”, Allie replies, shrugging, not wanting to talk about that at all. ”I almost thought you were gonna ignore me all day”, she says, a knowing smirk on her lips.

"I'm not ignoring you”, Bea protest softly, seemingly already forgetting to tell Allie off for moving around the prison without any backup. ”It’s just, you keep staring at me", she says, scraping her foot against the floor and stunning Allie with how perfect she is all over again. 

"Can't help it", Allie says quietly, stepping closer. "You're so fucking sexy."

"Allie..." Bea can't suppress a bashful smile and shakes her head.

"God, you don't even know, do you?" Allie murmurs. Allie can’t for the life of her understand how someone like Bea doesn’t know exactly how hot she is. Maybe that is part of the appeal, really, the strength combined with the innocence that has had Allie basically tripping over herself to get close to Bea from the very beginning.

”Everyone will know exactly what I’m thinking when I look at you”, Bea mutters, not able to meet Allie’s eyes.

”What are you thinking, then?” Allie murmurs, slipping her fingers over Bea’s.

Bea glances up at Allie, her face so naked with lust that she really doesn’t have to say a thing.

Allie closes her eyes for a moment and then looks around to see if anyone is close by. They are alone. She tugs at Bea's hand. Bea follows her willingly into the hidden spot beneath the stairs, where Allie proceeds to kiss her until they’re both gasping for air.

"I can't stop thinking about last night", Allie says, running her hands up and down Bea's sides, gripping her shirt tightly. ”It was so fucking good.”

”Was it?” Bea asks, blushing and looking delighted and turned on at the same time.

”God, yes”, Allie groans.

Bea just takes Allie's face into her hands and kisses her, long and deep, letting out a such a needy whimper it makes Allie quake.

"When you're healed, I'll make you feel so good", Allie whispers hotly. "I'll do anything you want, anything."

"I know", Bea gasps and kisses Allie again. ”I know.”

—

After lock up, they all gather around the table for some tea and biscuits. Sonia looks very pale, and blames it on migraine, which earns her a teasing from Boomer for getting sloshed last night. They all laugh, except for Bea, who is a fidgety mess. She has barely engaged in any of the conversations, she is just looking wistfully towards her cell, sometimes glancing in Allie’s direction. They don’t sit beside each other, they have barely touched for hours and Allie imagines that the air around them is thick with tension. No one else seems to notice, they’re just prattling along, talking about this and that and Allie nods and hums in all the right places but Bea seems unable to even try.

Suddenly, Bea rises. ”I’m going to bed”, she announces hoarsely, not looking at Allie.

”You alright?” Liz asks, concerned.

”Yeah. Just tired.”

”She’s _tired_ , Allie”, Boomer mock whispers, and Allie shoves her arm, not wanting to embarrass Bea. Boomer laughs quietly, restraining herself since it might not be smart to do it in Bea’s face. Bea seems much too distracted to even notice any of this.

Before shutting her door, Bea gives Allie a glance and a slight smile that makes Allie want to run right after her, but maybe she shouldn’t. She reckons Bea probably wouldn’t want her to be completely obvious about it. Allie tries her damnedest to wait an appropriate amount of time, until she just can’t anymore.

She wishes them all a good night and heads straight for Bea’s cell, not caring if she is being obvious. They all know anyway.

When she steps into the cell, Bea is sitting on her bed, her legs pulled up, her arms encircling her knees. She has clearly been waiting, and the way her face lights up when she sees Allie makes Allie sigh and mirror the expression.

Bea rises quickly, meeting Allie halfway. There is a youthfulness to Bea’s whole being that Allie has been in complete awe of since the first time she saw it, the first time they were alone in the equipment room. She looks shy but eager, and when Bea moves close Allie takes her hand, stroking her knuckles. They smile at each other softly, and then there’s a tug and they’re kissing slowly, savoring each other.

Bea is a wonderful kisser. The first few times, it was obvious to Allie that Bea wasn’t used to being kissed properly, or maybe at all. But Bea has great instincts, and feeling Bea’s lips and tongue, hearing her sigh and whimper into her mouth makes Allie’s head spin.

”You’ve been driving me crazy all day”, Bea whispers, her fingers trembling against Allie’s cheek.

Arousal hits Allie like a punch. It’s all she can do not to fall to her knees right then. But she won't, she'll wait until Bea is healed enough to want her to touch her again. Allie would hate to push too soon and have Bea go along with it just because she thinks that is what Allie wants. She is perceptive enough to know that Bea would probably buckle under any pressure, and that makes Allie hate Bea's husband with a burning intensity for robbing her of her own choices. They haven't talked about it in detail yet, but Allie knows more than enough about these kind of things to know what it is about.

"So you liked it? Yesterday?” Allie is pretty sure she knows the answer, but she wants to hear it verbalized.

Bea blushes and nods. "Yeah", she breathes. "More than I've ever liked anything, I think."

Allie closes her eyes and wills herself to stay calm. She feels herself grow wet, just from a few words from Bea. ”And you do more for me than anyone I’ve ever met”, Allie murmurs. It’s true. Allie has been a fool for Bea since the moment she clapped eyes on her, but what she felt then is nothing compared to how she feels about her now. It makes everyone from her past seem bleak and completely insignificant.

Bea blushes even harder and shakes her head in disbelief.

”It’s true. You do.” Allie presses her palms against the door on both sides of Bea's head. She pushes herself softly against her, breast to hips, and Bea sighs and shudders, putting her forehead against Allie’s. "We can do whatever you want", Allie murmurs, feeling Bea sigh again and run her hands down her sides to rest on her hips.

Bea laughs nervously. "I'm not good at this", she says.

"That's bullshit. God. You blew my fucking mind yesterday." Allie feels herself getting wound up just talking about it, her breathing has already started to quicken. Bea's has, too. She smiles at Allie, looking a bit more confident after the reassurance.

Bea moves her hands and start to slowly pull down the zipper on Allie's hoodie. When it's open all the way, she pushes it down Allie's shoulders so Allie can help shrug it off.

She strokes her fingers over Allie's cheeks, down her neck to the collar of her t-shirt. She looks at Allie for permission and then helps lift the t-shirt over Allie's head. Allie does the same to Bea, taking in her cleavage and her scarred abdomen, overcome with so much love and tenderness that she feels almost unsteady. She makes quick work of Bea’s bra, throwing it aside to admire her naked torso. Bea drags her close by the neck and kisses her with a fervor that makes Allie’s toes curl.

”Can I touch you?” Bea asks feverishly against Allie’s mouth.

”Yes.” 

Bea reaches for Allie's waistband and then under it, cupping her inside her underwear. Allie bites her lip to not make any sound and braces her hands against the door behind Bea. Bea is practically devouring her with her eyes, and she touches Allie nice and slow, winding her up in degrees.

Allie presses herself even closer to Bea, moving her hips a little against her hand, the extra friction making her shudder and sigh. She is careful not to press too hard, as she doesn’t know how much pressure Bea can take before it hurts her.

Bea kisses her, one hand clutching Allie's cheek and the other one stroking her with a delicate lightness, making such soft sounds in her throat that Allie suspects Bea is enjoying this almost as much as Allie is.

Allie's knees are already shaking with pleasure and just the comprehension of what they're doing, what Bea is doing to her. It’s still so novel, Allie isn’t even nearly used to feeling Bea this way. For all of Bea's inexperience with women, and probably good sex in general, she is taking to it like a natural. Allie grins at the thought of herself many months ago, pining after Bea and feeling very unsure if she'd ever get anywhere with her and worrying about hopelessly barking up the wrong tree. If she had known... 

”Come to bed?” Allie asks, feeling like her knees are about to buckle. Bea reluctantly pulls her hand away and follows her.

Allie takes off the rest of her own clothes and Bea just stares, her eyes feverish and glassy. God, no one has ever looked at Allie the way that Bea does, and she has been seen by many. She can’t stop herself from reaching out for Bea, pulling her down into the bed with her, making quick work of Bea’s pants, leaving only her underwear.

She lets her fingers brush lightly against the undersides of Bea’s breasts. ”Is this okay?” she asks and Bea nods, taking hold of Allie’s hand and pressing it against her own breast. Allie sighs with relief. She has been aching to touch Bea somewhere. They make out for a long time, clutching each other tightly.

Eventually, Bea pushes Allie down on the mattress, her eyes nearly black. Her chest is heaving, she looks almost feral and Allie swallows as her throat goes dry. This is another side of Bea that she finds incredibly hot, but it’s the first time she has seen it in the bedroom.

”You want to fuck me?” Allie husks, the hungry expression on Bea’s face making her bold.

Bea gasps, but doesn’t seem embarrassed. She nods, her breath quick.

Allie parts her legs, letting Bea settle between them. She starts to stroke Allie again, spreading around the wetness. Allie reaches down to guide Bea’s fingers inside. A look of thorough concentration and wonder flashes on Bea’s face as she slides all the way inside Allie.

”Oh”, Allie sighs, overwhelmed by the feeling of Bea filling her. She shows Bea how to move her fingers to reach her and it’s so good Allie is already shaking.

”Like this?” Bea asks, pushing a bit firmer inside, hitting Allie just where she needs it.

”That’s it”, Allie gasps, meeting the thrusts with her hips. She grasps at Bea’s neck, wanting to look at her, but with every thrust, her eyes flutter shut with pleasure.

”You’re wonderful”, Bea pants.

”No, you are”, Allie groans. ”Oh my God”, she gasps when Bea speeds up a little. ”I’ve wanted you like this for so long.”

Bea’s face slackens with arousal. ”Yeah?” she whispers, flexing her fingers, making Allie cry out and shudder.

”Just like this”, Allie moans. ”You have no idea how much.”

Bea kisses Allie with an intensity that leaves her gasping and then she works herself down to suck a nipple into her mouth. Allie has to press a pillow into her mouth to keep some sort of modesty towards the rest of the unit. Bea’s teeth graces her nipple and her fingers hit home and Allie comes long and hard, not able to breathe or make a sound. Bea’s fingers are trapped inside her body and wave after wave pulses through Allie, reminding her that it’s Bea that is making her feel this way.

—

Allie lets Bea cradle her in her arms while she comes down from her orgasm, enjoying just existing there.

Allie has fucked many people. For money, drugs, pleasure, infatuation… But she can’t remember anyone being with her purely for the sake of it, just to be close to her and give her pleasure. Allie has never had sex with anyone who didn’t expect her to reciprocate before. She can’t wait until she can finally touch Bea again, but she is quite taken with the insight that she has never had a lover this giving and unselfish, who seems to enjoy selflessly giving of herself, not expecting anything in return. Love for the sake of love. Nothing else. It feels entirely new to Allie. She turns in Bea’s arms, looking up at her. Bea smiles with her eyes, stroking Allie’s cheek.

”What?” Bea asks.

”I just realized”, Allie murmurs. ”I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with anyone who didn't want something from me in return before.”

Bea frowns a little. ”It’s not that I don’t want—”

”No, I know”, Allie assures her, not wanting Bea to misunderstand. She doesn’t know quite how to explain this in a way that makes sense. ”It’s just… nice, I guess? A nice feeling. Like you care”, she says, feeling unusually vulnerable.

”Of course I do”, Bea says softly, touching Allie’s chin.

”I know you do. I’m just saying. Most people haven’t.”

Bea looks at her, the understanding slowly dawning on her features. ”I know what you mean”, she murmurs. Bea strokes through Allie’s hair and down her cheek, looking at her like she wants to commit all of Allie’s features to memory. ”I love you”, she says quietly and the words slam violently through Allie’s heart. She hasn’t heard Bea say it often enough for it not to be completely overwhelming.

”I love you, too”, Allie says, burying her face in Bea’s neck, not showing Bea that her eyes are tearing up with joy.

—

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to keep this fic within the spirit of the show as much as I can, which means their bubble is bursting a little - since nothing can be all good at Wentworth for long. (And they can't have sex all the time, sadly.) Thanks for reading! :)

—

Bea is sitting in the sun, enjoying the warmth on her face, Maxine by her side. They’ve been trying to get back to their old work out regime, but with one of them weaker than usual and the other not able to put pressure on her abs, things are undoubtedly more difficult, but they’ve made the best of it. It’s nice to get back to a semblance of normal routine, and Bea is pleased that Maxine seems to be getting stronger after ending her chemo. The best part of working out it is relaxing like this afterward, though. She missed these simple things when she was away in hospital or locked up in medical.

A few junkies are yelling at each other by the wall, disrupting the peace Bea is feeling. The threat of a fight is hanging in the air, and Bea turns her head away. It’s not her problem anymore, she tells herself. She is relieved that she doesn’t have to engage in any of the drama, but she is also deeply disturbed by how so many of the women have deteriorated into addiction. Some of them had been clean for a long time before falling victim to the free flow of drugs that started after Kaz started letting Tina bring in all her shit, totally unchecked. Prison is a boring place on the best of days, a bloody horror on the worst and the need for distraction can overcome even the strongest of them.

”I have to do something about my hair”, Bea says, instead of voicing her concerns.

Maxine smiles and nods enthusiastically. ”Yeah. You _really_ do.”

”Piss off”, Bea laughs. She hasn’t done anything with her hair since she cut it after they moved to Walford, and for a long time she just couldn’t be bothered. Things have changed a lot since then, however, and she would like to look her best.

”You need help?”

”You can give me a trim if you want?” She could do it herself, of course, but it’s nicer having the company.

”Sure”, Maxine says, running a hand through Bea’s curls, examining the ends.

”I got some colour at my last spend. I just haven’t gotten around to it.”

”You’ve been busy”, Maxine says pointedly, a glint in her eyes.

”Don’t you start, too”, Bea sighs, feeling herself blush. ”Boomer’s been bloody relentless.”

The teasing has increased tenfold since Boomer realized Bea just gets embarrassed by her digs, but not angry. Allie just laughs and shakes her head whenever Boomer gets a jab in about them going at it all the time, and Bea tries to not let the teasing bother her.

She has overcome a lot of her initial shyness alone with Allie, but having people openly tease her about sex is different. It’s not that she is embarrassed that she finally has a worthwhile sex life, it’s just that she has always been so private, not sharing these things with anyone. Having her friends smirk at her every morning, giving her knowing looks, however well intentioned, is still a bit out of her comfort zone.

”We’re just happy for you”, Maxine says, smiling and putting her hand on Bea’s. ”It’s lovely to see you like this. You’re glowing.”

Bea smiles a little in return, knowing it’s true. She only has to look at Allie or even think of her to feel herself light up from within. ”I feel really good. Better than I have in a long time.” She can’t actually remember another time when she felt like this. She had been on cloud nine when Debbie was first born, but Harry’s increasingly bad moods had put a damper on that fast enough.

”It shows”, Maxine murmurs. ”I think you can afford some of us less fortunate having a little fun at your expense”, she says and bumps Bea’s shoulder.

”I’ll do my best not to bite your head off, alright?” Bea says.

”That’s all I ask”, Maxine chuckles and pats her hand.

Cutting through the crowd, Doreen comes rushing over the yard towards them. She looks stressed and Bea immediately knows that something is wrong. She is already on her feet when Doreen reaches them.

”What is it?” Bea asks urgently.

”It’s Allie”, Doreen says and Bea feels herself go rigid for a second, a stone dropped down her stomach. ”She’s been in a fight.”

”She’s in medical?” Bea asks.

”No, she came back to the unit. It’s not that bad…”

Bea doesn’t listen, she practically runs towards H1, as fast as she can manage, leaving Doreen and Maxine behind.

She can hear muted voices from within Allie’s cell and when she opens the door, the first thing she sees is Sonia’s back. The second, Allie’s sink, stained with blood. For half a second, Bea’s world turns on axis and she feels like she has been shaken hard, like all her organs are suddenly in disarray.

Allie is leaning heavily against the sink, Liz hovering over her.

”Allie”, Bea says hoarsely, her voice halfway stuck in her throat.

Allie turns towards her. The beginning of a shiner is blotched on her cheekbone and she is covering her nose with a big, blood-soaked wad of toilet paper. The front of her t-shirt is covered in crimson stains. Bea is by her side in a second, assessing the damage.

”What happened?” Bea asks, pushing Allie’s hair out of her eyes.

”I got jumped”, Allie mutters. ”It’s fine. It’s just a nosebleed.”

Bea grabs ahold of a towel, soaking it in cold water. ”You shouldn’t lean over like that”, she says softly. ”Sit down.” Allie does as she is told. ”Does it hurt?”

”Not much.”

”Okay. Lean your head back for me”, Bea says, stroking Allie’s cheek. ”I’m going to squeeze your nose tight to stop the bleeding.” She gips Allie’s nose between her thumb and forefinger and pinches hard on both sides of Allie’s nostrils, holding on tightly. ”Am I hurting you?”

”No.”

“Get me some ice for her eye”, Bea orders, and Liz disappears out of the room. Bea moves the wet cloth to Allie’s face to clean up the worst of the mess of blood on her face, her left hand still pinching Allie’s nose. Bea knows it probably looks worse than it is, Harry gave her a nosebleed like this a few times and it always looked like total carnage, but even knowing that, Bea is unnerved. Her hands are shaking a little as she gently dabs at Allie’s face. Liz comes back with the ice wrapped in some plastic, and Bea presses it lightly to Allie’s growing shiner.

”This is romantic”, Allie says, her mouth curling into a sad smile.

Bea shakes her head and kisses Allie’s forehead.

”How long are you gonna hold my nose?” Allie asks.

”Until it stops bleeding.”

”Got it”, Allie says. ”Thanks,” she murmurs, squeezing Bea’s hip as she is leaning over Allie.

Now that she has assured herself that Allie isn’t hurt badly, other thoughts start prodding for Bea’s attention. Anger comes rising through her, quickly. ”Who did this?” she asks quietly.

Allie searches Bea’s face. ”Doesn’t matter”, she says eventually.

”Who did it?” Bea asks, louder this time, turning towards Liz and Sonia.

”We don’t know, love”, Liz replies.

”She didn’t tell us”, Sonia says.

”Bea, I said it doesn’t matter.”

”Of course it fucking matters!” Bea replies, louder than intended.

Allie doesn’t flinch. ”No, it doesn’t.” Allie strokes Bea’s wrist soothingly. ”I took care of it myself. She’s probably worse off than I am.”

”That’s why we didn’t take her to the nurse”, Sonia inserts.

”She reckoned the other one might be there and the screws would figure everything out and slot her”, says Liz.

”See?” Allie says. ”It’s over. You don’t have to get involved.”

Bea brushes off Allie’s comments. ”Was it Juice?” she asks, her voice trembling with barely contained fury. It would be just Juice’s style to go after Allie when she is alone and vulnerable, she is a coward at heart.

“No”, Allie sighs. “Can’t you just leave it? Please. I’m fine. It’s over.”

“You’re not gonna tell me?” Bea asks, incredulous.

“No. I won’t”, Allie says eventually, looking a little guilty.

“Why?” Bea asks, shaken. She is surprised at how hurt she feels by Allie’s refusal, how helpless.

“Can you honestly promise me you won’t do anything about it?”

“Of course I can’t promise that!” Bea exclaims. Allie is injured again, most likely because of her connection to Bea. Bea wants to tear the one responsible limb from limb, she wants to fucking eviscerate the person who has done this to Allie. This time wasn’t so bad, but what about the next? Bea grabs Allie’s head, holding her face cradled in her hands. “No one can hurt you”, she says fiercely. “I can’t let them do that. Never again.”

“I know”, Allie says. ”I get it.” Her expression is soft, and so loving that Bea throat constricts. She is afraid she might weep. Allie grabs Bea’s hands, rubbing her thumbs over them like she is trying to ground Bea in the moment. ”But I won’t let you get hurt again either, if I can help it. So I won’t tell you.”

The way Allie is trying to protect her is breaking Bea’s heart. It should be the other way around. Bea feels immense guilt about everything Allie has had to go through just because of their relationship. And it never seems to be enough, it never stops. And will it ever? Bea wants to scream out in frustration. Instead she just hugs onto Allie, clutching her gently, not caring if she gets blood all over her shirt.

”My beautiful girl”, Bea whispers into Allie’s hair. Allie’s hand gathers at the back of Bea’s neck, stroking her there.

Sonia and Liz slip out of the cell quietly, leaving them alone.

—

Her crew spends their evening in subdued silence. The fact that one of their own have been attacked and no one is retaliating seems to be sobering to all of them. They were once at the top of the food chain, but no more.

”If I weren’t pregnant, I’d bash the bitch who did this to you in no time”, Boomer huffs.

”Thanks”, Allie says.

”Everyone’s gonna say we’re weak though, for not defending you”, Boomer mutters.

”There are other ways to deal with things like this, Susan”, Sonia interjects soberly.

”It’s fine, Booms. I defended myself”, Allie says.

Bea wonders what that means exactly, but knows there is no point to ask, since Allie has stubbornly decided to keep it all to herself.

”Someone should be with Allie at all times, from now on”, Bea says. They have become more and more lax about this lately, since Bea came back to the unit. There have been no signs of either prisoners or officers out to get Allie, or Bea for that matter. Bea is still respected around the prison, by some even more than before after taking a stabbing and putting Ferguson away, and the ones with problems with her seems to be wary enough of Kaz to not want to defy her direct orders of leaving Bea alone. But it makes perfect sense that someone would go after Allie instead. That is the way this warped world works and Bea hates it. ”If I’m not with her, one of you should be. Agreed?”

Everyone nods and murmurs in agreement.

”I’m sorry about this”, Allie sighs. ”You all probably have better things to do.”

”Someone should probably keep an eye on you too, Bea”, Maxine says.

After getting a pleading look and a squeeze on her knee from Allie, Bea nods in agreement. ”Maybe all of us should try to have a friend close by, for now”, Bea says. ”Just in case.”

”At least something interesting is happening now, eh”, Boomer says, a little cheerful. ”It’s been kind of slow lately.”

Bea snorts and rolls her eyes. ”Give me slow any day.”

”Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I can’t fight worth a damn”, Sonia says. ”I’d be useless as protection.”

”You’ve got eyes and ears”, Bea says. ”That’s enough. If you need to, just find a panic button and press it.”

”You’re serious?” Doreen asks, looking surprised but pleased.

”Yep. There’s a new sheriff in town”, Bea says. ”Kaz scrapped the old panic button rule. Why shouldn’t we use it to our advantage?”

Boomer looks skeptical, but the rest of the crew seems to like the idea well enough.

—

When they are alone in Bea’s cell that night, Bea pulls Allie close and proceeds to kiss her softly all over, unable let up for a second. Even when her lips are covered in Allie, and she crawls back up her naked body, Allie trembling with aftershocks, Bea can’t help but press her mouth against soft skin on hips, ribs, hands, shoulders. She tries to apologize with her touches, for everything that Allie has had to endure because of her, and everything that might still be coming. Her heart constricts painfully at the sight of the bruise on Allie’s face. She would give anything to be able to keep Allie safe. Bea presses her lips carefully to the edge of the dark swelling, wanting to soothe it with her kisses.

”I’m sorry”, she murmurs into Allie’s ear, and Allie wraps her arms around her, running a leg against the back of Bea’s calf, keeping her locked in place.

”What have I told you about apologizing for things that aren’t your fault?” Allie asks, still a little breathless.

”But I—”

”Bea. It’s just a black eye.”

”It’s not just that, though”, Bea says, her voice small. ”It’s everything that’s happened since we got involved.”

Allie sighs, turning to lay on her side so she can face Bea. ”Do you know something?” she murmurs, stroking her fingers into Bea’s hair, down over her arm. ”It might be kind of fucked up… But I would gladly go through everything all over again if I knew I’d end up right here with you.”

”That _is_  a bit fucked up”, Bea replies, but she smiles, Allie’s words burning inside her ribcage. This love she is feeling, it’s so immense and all-encompassing. That she has the ability to feel this much - when she had thought for so long that she was nearly dead inside - she still can’t quite believe it. The only thing harder to believe is that Allie feels the same for her, but she does. It fills Bea with wonder.

”Everything will be fine”, Allie says, pulling Bea closer, kissing her.

”Yeah”, Bea sighs against Allie’s lips, hoping that she is right.

—


	15. Chapter 15

—

Bea barely leaves Allie’s side over the next few days. Allie would revel in the extra attention, if Bea weren’t so tense and jumpy after the assault on Allie. It is like Bea is teetering on the edge of erupting at anyone even looking at Allie sideways, her eyes moving back and forth like she is an attack dog on the prowl. Whenever they move outside their unit, Bea always looks ready to rip someone’s head off. Allie spends a lot of time stroking Bea’s thigh or hand soothingly as Bea seems to zoom in on someone who’s mere look provokes her.

Allie feels a little guilty about not telling Bea who jumped her, but considering how aggressive Bea is acting, Allie is still confident the safest option is to keep her mouth firmly shut.

She isn’t that worried about anything else happening, and she tries her best to convey that to Bea, without giving too much away. Tina unexpectedly elbowing her in the face in kitchen and then hurling insults at her about Bea, had come completely out of the blue. Tina had obviously thought Allie was still an easy target after her convalescence, but the exchange had ended with Tina on the floor, gasping for air after a rather punishing punch of Allie’s knee to her solar plexus.

That had been that, and as far as Allie is concerned, it’s over. She is more worried about the blatant disregard Bea has showed for her own safety in the past and what might happen if she finds out the truth. Allie knows that if she had told Bea that it was Tina who attacked her, Bea would have thrown herself into a fight without a thought to the consequences.

No. Not going to happen. Bea may look and seem stronger, but Allie is terrified of what might happen if someone goes too far and hits her where she isn’t completely healed yet. Bea has been hurt enough for several lifetimes, Allie just wants her to have some peace.

The upside to Bea exuding this savage energy all the time, is that it’s a major turn-on for Allie. Sometimes she has to clench her thighs together and look away, because Bea in alpha mode is almost too much for her.

If Bea is an attack dog out in public, alone with Allie she is more like a puppy, so sweet and affectionate that Allie feels herself swooning constantly. Allie doesn’t quite understand how one person can have so many sides to them. She loves all the complexities of Bea’s personality, the mix of the sweet and the savage exciting her equally. She imagines Bea as a wonderful gift she gets to open over and over again, revealing something new every time.

In the spirit of learning new things, and lightening the mood a little, Allie says ”Let’s play a game”, early one evening, when they’ve just turned themselves in to Bea’s cell for the night.

”What kind of game?” Bea asks, looking a special kind of intrigued.

Allie grins at Bea’s expression. She knows that look by now. ”Believe it or not, it’s nothing dirty. But I’m sure I could come up with something…”

Bea shakes her head and smiles at Allie, and sits down opposite her on the bed. ”Just tell me the game.”

”Alright. It’s really simple. I ask you a question, and you have to answer it right away. No thinking, no filters. Just an honest, quick answer.”

”Okay.” Bea nods eagerly. Allie wants to know everything about Bea, the big stuff as well as small, and she loves how open and giving Bea is when they are alone, when she finally lets her guard down.

”So if I say favorite animal… you say?”

”Cat?”

”A crazy cat lady. I can work with that”, Allie says cheekily.

Bea looks at her in mock outrage.

Allie just laughs. ”Okay, next. Um… Favorite beer?”

”I hate beer”, Bea says, wrinkling her nose.

”What? Who actually hates beer?”

”I always thought it tasted like vomit.”

”Are you serious?” Allie laughs.

”Yeah. It’s really bitter and disgusting. One thing I don’t miss about the outside.”

”Wow. See, I’m learning loads about your weird peccadilloes already!”

”Is it my turn to ask something, or are you just going to mock me all night?” Bea chuckles.

”Yeah, go ahead.”

Bea ponders for a bit before asking. ”Favorite food?”

”Vegemite all the way.” Allie pumps her fist in the air.

”Ugh. Not sure that even counts as food, but okay…”

”Hey! Now who’s mocking who?” Allie exclaims, delighted that Bea is teasing her right back. ”Favorite musician?”

”I used to listen to Bob Dylan a lot when I was young.”

”That’s old school! I never would have guessed”, Allie says. ”What’s your favorite song of his?”

”Um… Maybe ’Tomorrow is a Long Time’. I haven’t listened to it in ages, obviously.”

”I’m not sure I know it. How does it go?”

”Oh, no. I can’t sing”, Bea protests, waving her hands dismissively.

”Well neither can Bob Dylan, so…” Allie cracks, and Bea slams a pillow into Allie’s face.

They laugh, and go back and forth, taking turns asking random questions and teasing each other about the answers. It’s fun, and Allie gets to know all sorts of things about Bea. She asks about things she probably would have found out naturally if they had been together on the outside, keeping the questions light, enjoying the carefree conversation. Bea gives as good as she gets, seeming to delight their banter as much as Allie is.

After a while, they lay down opposite each other on the bed.

”First crush?” Bea asks.

”Oh, this one is easy! My fifth grade teacher, Ms. Donaldson.”

”That’s sweet”, Bea murmurs, looking softly at Allie. ”You knew that early?”

Allie shrugs. ”I just knew I adored her, and that I better keep that to myself. My grades totally peaked that year.” Allie smiles at the memory.

Bea smiles, stroking Allie’s hair behind her ear. Allie loves looking at Bea like this, relaxed and happy, having forgotten about their woes for a while. It’s almost like they’re not in prison, but in their own bedroom somewhere they have chosen for themselves.

”Now I want to know about your first crush,” Allie says.

”Hmm… It must have been Johnny in Dirty Dancing.”

”Even I have to admit that’s a good one”, Allie concedes.

”I was so in love with him, I remember being completely confused when I found out he was an actor and not a real person.”

Allie lets out a delighted laugh. ”Oh my God, poor little Bea. That’s true heartbreak!” Bea swats Allie’s arm playfully. ”Ow. So is that your type?”

Bea gives her a long contemplating look, playing a little with Allie’s fingers with her own. ”You’re my type”, she says, her cheeks a little pink.

Allie’s heart somersaults in her chest. ”You sure know how to tell me what I want to hear”, she whispers. ”Your turn.”

Bea thinks for a while. ”Oh, I know! Favorite screw?” she asks, looking pleased with her question.

” _Well_ ”, Allie laughs, deciding to run with the pun straight away. ”That would be you, babe”, she says, tilting her head seductively.

Bea immediately blushes even harder. ”I meant as in _prison officer_ ”, she mutters.

”I know what you _meant_ ”, Allie laughs. ”And I meant what I said.”

Bea looks both flushed and happy, and Allie just has to crawl close to kiss her. The energy changes quickly, and Allie feels an urgency building between them.

”Come here”, Bea murmurs and Allie can hear the weight in her voice, and presses herself closer to Bea. They kiss hard and sloppy and soon they are both moaning and fumbling with the waistband of Allie’s pants, tearing them off. Allie gasps as Bea runs her fingers through the wetness that has already formed between Allie’s legs, and she tilts her hips to let Bea know what she wants.

Bea is naturally gentle when they have sex, but they have slowly learned that they both like it when she is a bit more forceful, too. Practically everything Bea does now drives Allie crazy. It’s never dull, that’s for sure, and Bea seems to be loving all the new things she is learning about pleasing Allie. Allie has never been the centre of someone’s entire focus this way, and that experience makes her dizzy with love and desire.

As Bea presses inside her, her breath hot against Allie’s mouth, Allie gasps and grips Bea by the neck so they can look at each other, and she thinks of how ironic it is that she had to go to prison to finally belong.

—

Allie is wiping off the counters in the kitchen after dinner when they come for her.

No one else from H1 is ever on kitchen duty with her, so she is alone. Tina, Kim and three other women from Tina’s crew corner her. Allie just sighs and puts down the rag. So she miscalculated. She foolishly thought that she had closed down the thing with Tina, but she reckons this runs deeper than that. There is no point in trying to get away. Even though she is much stronger now, there are five of them.

She feels surprisingly calm as she prepares herself for the inevitable bashing. She has been through worse. Probably. Hopefully.

“Let’s get on with it then”, she says defiantly, making an effort to keep her stare unwavering.

Her lack of fear seems to surprise them. Kim looks a little insecure, glancing at Tina, whose face consorts into a scowl.

”Your girlfriend got me six extra years”, Tina snarls.

Allie nods slowly. ”I heard. That sucks.”

”She’ll pay for it”, Tina says. ”Or maybe you will?”

Allie shrugs. What is she supposed to say? Sometimes, she can talk herself out of things, but this time she is at a loss. Tina carries so much barely contained anger and determination that any effort of Allie’s to try to worm her way out of this would probably just make things worse.

“I’ve got something for you”, Tina says, coming closer and holding up a small bag of ice, dangling it in front of Allie.

“No, thanks”, Allie says, clenching her teeth.

“It wasn’t a question”, Tina retorts, her expression hard. She pushes the bag towards Allie’s face. “Here you go. I know you want it.”

For the first time since Tina’s crew barged in on her, Allie feels true fear creeping up on her. Tina isn’t exactly wrong. Allie would be lying to herself if a part of her didn’t feel tempted to use the gear in front of her. In her sessions with Bridget, they have talked a lot about diversion, and how to deal with the cravings when they come. She tries to focus on that. But it would be so easy to just do the drugs. Just this once. They are five against one, she can’t do anything to get away. She doesn’t really have a choice. No one could really blame her if she took them.

“Take it and we’ll leave you alone”, Tina says, seemingly reading Allie’s mind.

Except she does have a choice. She thinks about the doctor who told her that another overdose might kill her. She thinks about Bea, of how much it took for Allie to earn her trust, and how she wouldn’t be able to look Bea in the eye after breaking her promise. That means more to Allie than anything in the world.

“Get that thing out of my fucking face”, Allie says, pushing Tina’s arm away.

Tina scowls at Allie, pocketing the drugs. “Okay, then”, she says, before charging a blow. Allie sees it coming, and instinctually tries to back away from it, but there isn’t enough room for her to move. Instead of hitting her face, Tina’s fist meets Allie’s ear in full force. Pain explodes inside Allie’s head, a loud ringing noise drowning out everything else. The room starts spinning so uncontrollably she barely notices hitting the floor.

Hard blows are raining over her ribs and legs. She closes her eyes, curling into a ball, protecting her head, tensing up her muscles to withstand the punches as best she can. It’s over almost as soon as it starts, and Allie is laying on the floor, the wind knocked out of her.

”Say hi to Bea for me”, Tina spits.

—

Maxine comes to meet Allie up a while later, and is the one who finds her still crouched in the corner where they left her, too dizzy and disoriented to stand up.

”Oh, Allie”, Maxine sighs, her voice full of empathy as she kneels beside Allie on the floor. ”Love. You’re bleeding”, she says, touching her fingers underneath Allie’s ear. ”Can you get up? I’ll get you to the nurse.”

Allie is too nauseous to respond, but she lets Maxine help her to her feet. Allie feels like her head is being tossed around in a washing machine and it gets worse when she stands up. She tries to fix her eyes on the floor to steady herself.

”We need to deal with the people who did this”, Maxine says quietly, as she slowly walks Allie out of the kitchen.

”I don’t want Bea to fight”, Allie manages, leaning heavily on Maxine. ”She’s not strong enough.”

”Don’t worry about that, love. We’ll think of something.”

—


	16. Chapter 16

—

Bea is coiling with barely pent up rage when Mr. Stewart pushes her, rather ungently, into the governor’s office.

”You wanted to speak to me, Smith?” Ms. Bennett asks, and motions for to Mr. Stewart to leave the room.

”Yeah, I want to see Allie. She’s in medical.”

”Yes, I’m aware of that. I’ve already been to see her.” Bea opens her mouth to enquire about Allie but Ms. Bennett holds a hand up to stop her. ”I was also told that you’ve been disruptive and that you insulted several officers when they wouldn’t take you to see Novak. Mr. Stewart reported he considered slotting you.”

Bea bites her cheek not to erupt at Bennett, too. Damage control. Breathe. ”I’m sorry, Governor. No one would tell me anything and I’m just… I’m very worried about her.”

Ms. Bennett nods sympathetically. ”There’s no need to worry. Her ribs are bruised, and one of her eardrums is ruptured, but nothing more serious than that. They’ll keep her in medical for observation overnight.”

Bea releases a sigh of relief. She actually grips one of the chairs in front of Ms. Bennett’s desk for support. She just knows what Maxine told her, that Allie had been beaten, was unable to walk on her own and had been bleeding from the ear. A thousand thoughts of catastrophic scenarios has already smattered through her brain.

”She isn’t talking”, Ms. Bennett says.

Bea shrugs. Of course she isn’t.

”I don’t suppose you are either”, Ms. Bennet continues.

”I don’t know anything. I just heard she got bashed and was taken to medical.”

Bennett sighs, rubbing her temple. ”I’d hate to see this escalate further”, she says pointedly.

Bea schools her features as best she can. She understands why Ms. Bennett is is saying that, but it doesn’t matter. The people responsible will be very sorry when she finally finds out who they are. ”Can I see her? Please.”

Ms. Bennett looks like she is about to deny Bea’s request, but something must sway her. ”Just half an hour. She needs to rest.”

”Thank you”, Bea sighs. ”Thank you, Governor.” She is grateful that Ms. Bennett doesn’t seem to hold on to her promise not to do her any more favors.

”Just… Try and walk the line, Smith”, Ms. Bennett says, looking at Bea almost pleadingly.

”Yeah.” That is not going to happen.

—

Bea holds one of Allie’s hands between hers, fighting tears with all her might. ”How are you feeling?”

”Still a little dizzy, and it’s like I have a fucking bell tower in my ear. Nurse Ratshit said it’ll probably fade out once the swelling goes down. I’ll be back in H1 tomorrow.”

Allie’s left ear and the skin around it is coloured in different, dark shades of purple. It looks like it would hurt like hell. Bea rubs her thumbs over the back of Allie’s hand. She is happy to see that Allie is relatively okay, but it’s like the relief of seeing her is making Bea lose her composure. She doesn’t want that, this isn’t about her, and she would feel bad if Allie had to comfort her at a time like this. She kisses Allie’s hand, and Allie strokes her fingers through Bea’s hair.

”How can you be so calm?” Bea asks. ”You got bashed. Again. I can only guess it was the same people?”

Allie looks down at her own lap, looking both sad and guilty.

”Allie. Please tell me who did this.” She knows how these things go, all to well. If this is indeed about revenge against her, like she suspects it is, whoever did it will either go after Allie slowly, escalating things with more serious beatings each time, or she’ll just find Allie dead in a corner one day. Bea won’t let that happen. There is absolutely nothing she wouldn’t do to prevent that from happening. She will nip this in the bud, no matter what Allie says. She knows it won’t stop on its own. ”If we don’t do something about this now, things will only get worse.”

”There’s too many of them. There’s nothing you can do”, Allie says quietly.

”I have to try!” Bea feels like she is bursting with helpless anger. Allie doesn’t look her in the eye.

It’s been happening in the kitchen, that’s the only place Allie is alone without any one of their crew around. Bea had her suspicions before, and this new attack has only strengthened them. She knows who is often on kitchen duty with Allie, and who has motive.

“It’s Tina, isn’t it?” she asks, and Allie’s expression tells her everything she needs to know. “I fucking knew it!”, Bea growls, white hot rage pulsing through her head, pushing all other feelings aside. In a moment she is on her feet, turning towards the door. Tina isn’t long for this world. Bea will beat her fucking senseless, she’ll do anything necessary to teach her to never touch Allie ever again.

“Bea! Wait”, Allie calls, stumbling out of bed and running after Bea, blocking her path. “Please, don’t.”

“I have to deal with her now, before it gets worse”, Bea says, her teeth clenched. Adrenaline is coursing through her, making her shake all over. She feels like she could rip Tina to shreds with her bare hands.

“It’s what she wants,” Allie says, grabbing on to Bea’s shoulders, rubbing them soothingly, touching Bea almost as if she’s a wild horse she is trying to calm down. “It’s why she’s doing this in the first place. To get back at you and to get a rise out of you so you’ll do something stupid.”

“I won’t let her use you like this”, Bea says. “I’ll set her straight.”

”You have no back-up! She has a big crew now. They’ll fucking destroy you if you go after her.”

Allie does have a point. Tina has risen in the ranks, her position as top drug supplier is firmly set. Not only has her crew grown, but she could probably muster up support from the junkies, too. Not that Bea could care less about that right now. She is about to shrug off Allie’s hands, determined to go anyway.

“Are you gonna make me beg you?” Allie interrupts. “I will.”

”You don’t understand—”

“Please”, Allie begs, grabbing on to Bea’s hands, pulling her towards her. “Don’t go.” Tears are forming in her eyes and Bea’s heart melts instantly. ”If this is about doing the right thing for _me_ , you won’t do this.”

Allie’s words stops Bea. The right thing for Allie. That is all she wants. She sighs, it sounds more like a sob, and Allie pulls her in for a hug, and Bea almost collapses into her arms. ”What am I supposed to do?” Bea asks, her anguish breaking through her voice.

”I don’t know”, Allie murmurs. ”Just stay here with me.”

—

Bea just has time to close the cell door behind her before she sags to her knees, sobs ripping through her body. She feels so helpless, and so scared that she is trembling. She kept herself together in front of Allie, barely. Finding Allie lifeless in the showers, and later being told she wouldn’t make it had ripped everything she had left away from her. She had lost her daughter, her freedom and the person she loved, and by some miracle, she had gotten Allie back. If she were to lose her now… The mere thought makes Bea want to die.

She is also furious, at Tina and her crew who did this to Allie, at the fact that the only thing she can do is cry about it. She promised Allie she would leave things alone for now. _”How are you going to protect anyone if you get bashed up yourself?”_ Allie had said and maybe that was what finally convinced Bea to not run head first into Tina’s unit. Bea cannot afford to get injured or slotted and leave Allie wide open for further attacks.

Her chest and the muscles in her neck hurt from crying so hard, but she can’t stop. She buries her face in her hands, weeping helplessly until she can barely breathe.

The door behind her opens carefully, and Bea feels Maxine sit down next to her on the floor. Maxine puts her arm around Bea’s shoulders, holding her steady. Maxine doesn’t say anything, doesn’t attempt to comfort her with words, she just stays with Bea until her sobs eventually subside.

”Sorry. I’m a mess”, Bea manages, brushing the tears off her face with her fingers. She has left a big spot of tears on Maxine’s sweater.

Maxine shakes her head, brushing off Bea’s apology. ”She’s going to be okay though, right?”

”Yeah. This time”, Bea says and immediately starts crying again at the implication of her answer.

”Hey”, Maxine says in a hushed, soft tone. ”Bea, don’t think like that.”

”It was Tina and her crew.”

Maxine doesn’t look at all surprised. ”What are we gonna do?”

Bea is grateful that Maxine still expresses herself in terms of a we, even if she would prefer not to involve her when she is still in recovery. ”I don’t know. If I could get that bitch alone I’d rip her throat out. But that’s not gonna happen. She’ll expect us coming for her. It’s going to be you and me against her entire crew, plus every junkie in here. How do you like those odds?”

”Sounds like we’re gonna have to be smart”, Maxine says.

Bea nods, accepting a tissue from Maxine, dabbing her cheeks and blowing her nose. She feels calmer now that she allowed herself a proper melt down. Her head feels clearer, like the fog of acute anger, despair and fear has lifted a little.

”We’ve never been the strongest, or the meanest. But you’ve always been good at outsmarting people. Use that”, Maxine says.

”I guess I’ll have to. I’ve promised Allie not to fight.”

”She’s put a leash on you?” Maxine says, looking impressed. ”I never thought I’d see the day. I knew she’d be good for you.”

Bea rolls her eyes, but allows herself to smile a little. Maybe Allie has her on a leash, if that means that Bea would do absolutely anything for her.

”Do you have a plan?” Maxine asks.

Bea shakes her head. ”Not yet. Any input is welcome.”

”First” Maxine says, ”you have to fix that hair.”

Bea just snorts, rolling her eyes at Maxine and kissing her cheek.

—

Allie returns to H1 just before lock up the following day. As soon as she lays her eyes on Bea, her eyes sparkle. ”Wow”, Allie blurts, shamelessly eyeing Bea in front of everyone, making Bea blush. ”You look great”, Allie says.

Maxine gave her a slight trim yesterday, and Bea finally got herself together and coloured her hair. It worked as a distraction for a bit. This time, she has chosen a colour that is a few shades lighter than as her regular deep red, since she had gotten used to the lighter shade beneath the outgrowth. She thinks she likes it. She also trimmed her undercut a little, but not too close.

”How are you love? You want some tea?” Liz asks, squeezing Allie’s arm.

”Yeah, that’d be good. Thanks.”

”Bloody hell, your ear looks like it’s about to fall off”, Boomer exclaims.

”It’s just bruised”, Allie says, shrugging.

Bea thinks Allie is acting much too blasé about all this, and wonders if it’s just an act to keep Bea calm. It wouldn’t surprise her, since Allie’s number one priority right now seems to be to stop Bea from going off the deep end.

After the count, Allie walks over to Bea again. ”Can we just go to bed?”

Bea nods, taking Allie by the hand and guiding her towards her cell. She has brought in extra pillows so Allie will be able to keep her head elevated. Allie smiles gratefully at Bea when she sees it. She looks tired, but she sighs contentedly when Bea settles beside her.

”You’d think it’d be nice to have a bed to yourself for one night instead of being cramped together like this”, Allie says. ”But I couldn’t sleep at all.”

”Me neither”, Bea says. She had gotten used to being pressed closed to Allie every night, and she had felt completely out of sorts without her. ”I think I’ve figured out what to do about Tina”, Bea says.

”Oh, God. Do I want to hear it?” Allie asks.

”It doesn’t include bashing, so you should be pleased”, Bea says. ”We’re gonna hit her where it hurts even more.”

”The gear, you mean?”

”Yeah. If we can find out how she gets it in, we can cut her off. She’ll lose her influence quickly if she can’t deliver. I’ve seen it happen before.” Bea remembers Franky losing everything, getting it from all sides when her supply ran dry. It had been painful to watch, even though Bea herself had been the main cause behind it. She can’t bring herself to feel remotely bad about wanting to do the same and worse to Tina, though.

Allie nods slowly. ”It seems like a good plan.”

”I just don’t know how to do it without her figuring out it’s me going after her.”

”We could ask Kaz”, Allie suggests.

”You think she’d help us?” Bea is skeptical, and also instinctually against involving Kaz.

”Maybe. I know for a fact that if you just run along and mess with Tina without checking in with her first, she’s going to be pissed. You have to do things a certain way to get her on your side. I know how to talk to her”, Allie says. ”I know what makes her tick. It’s worth a shot.”

”Okay.” Bea reckons this is their best bet. ”We’ll do that.”

”I think it’s going to work better if I do it myself”, Allie says.

Bea knows Allie is probably right. Even though she and Kaz have managed to bury the hatchet for now, there is no love lost between them. ”If you think so”, she says.

Allie nods, and then looks at Bea for a long moment. ”What’s with that face?”

”What face?”

”Yours.”

”It’s nothing.” Allie gives Bea a pointed stare and Bea curses herself for making it too easy for Allie to read her. ”It’s just…” She doesn’t like Kaz, she never has, but it’s more than that. She braces herself before speaking. ”Did you and Kaz… ever…?” she asks, not knowing how she’ll deal with a yes to that question. She doesn’t know why she’s even asking, because she sure is a lot happier not knowing.

”What?” Allie looks completely nonplussed for a second and then she laughs, looking genuinely shocked. ”No! Never.”

Allie’s outraged response is enough to soothe Bea’s worries. ”I’m sorry I asked”, she says, her cheeks burning.

”Wait a minute.” A smile grows on Allie’s face. ”Were you jealous just now?”

Bea shrugs. ”No. I don’t know. Maybe.” She grimaces. ”I’ve never been jealous before.”

”It’s okay if you are, you know. Not that there’s any reason for it.”

Bea cringes, she feels caught and embarrassed. ”I bet you’ve never been jealous”, she mutters.

Allie laughs again. ”Oh, please. I was super jealous of you and Mr. Jackson.”

”You were?” Bea asks, amused at the ridiculousness and a little flattered as well. How odd. She has always seen jealousy as such an ugly, scary thing. She suffered a lot from Harry’s deluded ideas, but when Allie admits to it, Bea can only see it as sweet and not threatening.

”Like you didn’t notice.”

Bea grins. ”Maybe I did.”

”It wasn’t even funny”, Allie says, swatting Bea’s thigh lightly and they smile at each other. Bea feels so wonderfully calm and present when she is with Allie like this. ”So… Are you ever gonna kiss me tonight?” Allie asks, sounding almost petulant. Bea has to laugh. ”I’m dying here”, Allie presses.

”You’re not dying”, Bea says in an admonishing tone, and reaches for Allie, closing the distance between them.

—


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of time to write this weekend, so I finished this chapter early and thought that I might as well post. :)

—

”I heard you ended up in medical”, Kaz says without preamble as soon as she shuts her cell door behind them. ”Are you okay?”

”Yeah.” Allie can see Kaz’s concern for her, and she knows it’s genuine. She wishes she could take it, and feel strengthened by it like she always did before.

”What happened?”

”That’s actually what I came here to talk to you about. It’s Tina.”

Kaz sighs deeply. ”She bashed you?”

Allie nods.

”For fucks sake”, Kaz growls. ”I knew she was angry, but I didn’t think she’d go after _you_. Why isn’t Bea protecting you?”

”She’s trying”, Allie says, a little sharply, not caring for Kaz’s tone. She knows Bea blames herself for this, and she won’t have it. And she certainly won’t let anyone else blame Bea either. ”They come after me in the kitchen when I’m alone.”

”You mean this happened before?” Kaz asks, frowning.

”Yeah.”

”She gave you that black eye last week?”

”You saw that?”

”I’m still looking out for you, kid”, Kaz says softly. ”Anyway I can.”

”Thanks”, Allie says. She feels the affection for Kaz flicker inside her chest. It’s not gone, it’s just buried deep, under all the shit that has passed between them. ”I need your help”, she pleads. ”If nothing happens, I’m afraid Bea will go after her and get herself killed.”

”Jesus. Couldn’t you have chosen someone not so high maintenance to shack up with?” Kaz mutters.

Allie smiles a little, knowing that Kaz probably can’t help but dig into Bea. Her ego is still bruised, no matter how silly it seems to Allie. ”Loving her is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. It’s other people who are making things difficult.”

Kaz face flashes with guilt for a moment. Allie is surprised to see it. ”What do you need from me? Protection?”

“No. Tina will find a way to get to us eventually, anyway. It’s just a matter of time. I want to know how she gets the gear in here.”

Kaz looks at her for a long time. Allie can practically see the wheels turning. ”Why?”

”We can’t fight her and win right now. Going after the gear is the only way to do it without anyone actually getting hurt.”

Kaz absorbs this information, nodding her head slowly. ”I don’t like her, but she’s been a good ally”, she says, barely sounding like she is convincing even herself.

“Sure. But all the shit she’s bringing in here is killing the women.” Allie says fiercely, seemingly taking Kaz aback a little. “I know you’re not fine with that.”

The look on Kaz’s face proves Allie right. ”I made a deal with her”, she says with regret.

”No one will know you’re the one who told me. If we do things right, no one will even know any of us are involved.”

Kaz gets on her feet, pacing in the small cell. Allie can see she’s fighting with herself, her body is vibrating with frustrated energy. ”I don’t like what she’s doing. She’s bringing in too much. Some of the women have relapsed, some are getting hooked for the first time. I didn’t think it’d be like this.”

”I know”, Allie murmurs, touching Kaz’s arm. ”This isn’t you, Kaz. Lets fix it.”

Kaz actually looks like she’s about to cry, and reaches out and hugs Allie. Allie cradles her arms around Kaz, but winches when she bumps up against her ear. Kaz takes a step back, moving Allie’s hair aside to reveal her dark, swollen ear. A shadow comes over Kaz’s face and Allie lifts her own t-shirt, uncovering the blotches of bruising on her ribs.

Kaz sucks in a breath. ”She did that to you?”

”She and four others. She said they’d let me go if I took a bag of ice. I thought it’d be safer taking the bashing.” She had omitted telling Bea that part of the story, not even feeling bad about it. She would never have been able to stop Bea from going after Tina if she had told her.

Anger and outrage is flashing over Kaz’s face.

”My lungs might not be able to take another overdose. I don’t know if the doctor was just trying to scare me or what, but that’s what he said.”

Kaz sinks down to her bed. ”Fuck, bubba”, she exclaims and buries her face in her hands. When she finally looks up at Allie again, her eyes are damp and her mouth is trembling with anger. “It’s Mr. Stewart.”

—

”Are you sure?” Maxine asks, in a hushed tone even though they’re in Bea’s cell with the door shut. ”Mr. Stewart?”

“She didn’t know the details, but it’s him”, Allie says.

”You don’t seem surprised”, Bea says.

”He gave me a a gram in exchange for Kaz’s phone when I was using.” Allie looks ashamed.

Bea reaches out for Allie’s hand, squeezing her fingers in wordless support.

”This complicates things”, Maxine says. ”It won’t be as easy as when we stifled Franky.”

”Or maybe it will be”, Bea says. ”We just have to find out when he’s supposed to bring the stuff in and then make sure he’s caught with his pants down.”

Allie and Maxine both nod in agreement, before they all have to leave the cell to get ready to stand for the count.

”We’ll talk more about it tomorrow”, Bea says.

Bea is lost in her own thoughts during the count. She is surprised. She has seen her fair share of bent screws in her time at Wentworth, but nothing on this scale. Mr. Stewart must be bringing in huge quantities. She is shocked that he would dare. One mistake, and he will be done. He must know that. She thinks of all the lives he is helping to destroy, and knows she certainly won’t lose any sleep when he’s shackled and thrown in prison himself, that’s for sure. There is something else nagging at her too…

Allie slides up to her, interrupting her train of thought by waving her hand in front of Bea’s face.

”Where’d you go?” Allie asks, looking amused.

”Just thinking, you know”, Bea says. ”It’s a lot to take in. You want an evening snack?”

”No, I’m good. I’d rather just hit the hay”, Allie says.

Bea nods. She reckons Allie needs her rest after everything that has been going on. The door barely has time to click shut behind them however, before Allie is on her. She runs her fingers down Bea’s arms before stepping close, pressing her mouth softly against Bea’s. Bea gasps, and Allie pulls at the small of Bea’s back, tugging her closer. Bea moans and opens her mouth to Allie, deepening the kiss. She doesn’t know where to put her hands, knowing Allie’s sides are bruised. She ends up with her fingers buried in Allie’s hair, while Allie is practically devouring her mouth, pushing them both towards the bed.

Bea is worried about Allie’s injuries and tries to slow things down a little.

”Am I coming on to strong?” Allie whispers, probably sensing the hesitancy in Bea.

”No! No. But what about your ribs?” Bea asks, stroking the soft hairs at the nape of Allie’s neck.

Allie bends down to kiss Bea again. ”I don’t mind”, she mumbles against Bea’s lips, her breath hot and quick.

”I just don’t want to hurt you”, Bea says, pulling back again. Allie has been so patient and understanding about Bea’s recovery, and Bea wants to do the same for Allie.

Allie strokes Bea’s arms, smiling a little. Her eyes are warm, and Bea can feel the love radiating towards her. It makes her heart beat even faster.

”You’re sweet,” Allie murmurs. ”Don’t worry about it. Yeah, my ribs are sore, but it’s not that bad. Pain isn’t… it doesn’t trigger me.”

Bea thinks she understands. She herself is terrified of pain in the context of sex. She was used to just bare with it for such a long time, but now just the mere thought of it bothers her a lot. She hated having sex with Harry and she loves it with Allie. She doesn’t want the past bleeding into the safe haven they have created together. But maybe it’s not like that for Allie.

”Besides, I’ve been pretty much aching for you all day”, Allie says hoarsely.

All the worry and resistance runs away from Bea then, and she pulls Allie back in for a kiss. How is she supposed to abstain when Allie says things like that and is radiating pure heat and kisses Bea like she would die if she didn’t? She has become completely addicted to Allie shattering under her hands and mouth. A few nights of sharing a bed without doing anything other than kiss has been frustrating her, which is embarrassing for her to admit, even to herself. She finally understands why so many of the women obsessed about conjugal visits.

Bea drags Allie down on the bed with her, never losing contact, careful not to touch Allie’s ribs, reveling in the feeling on Allie weighing down on her. Allie straddles Bea, devouring her with her kisses, letting her mouth slant over Bea’s throat, nipping lightly at her earlobe, palming her breasts over her shirt. All this drives Bea completely wild with want, she cups Allie’s arse roughly, digging her short nails into the supple flesh.

Allie jerks above her, letting out a gasp and a deep moan. ”You’ve missed it too?” she asks.

”’Course I did”, Bea says heatedly, her grip on Allie tightening. ”So much. Jesus. And it’s only been a few days.”

”Feels like fucking ages”, Allie whispers in Bea’s ear, and Bea can only agree. They both pull Allie’s shirt over her head. Bea is so riled up she fumbles with the clasp of Allie’s bra until Allie laughs, and stands up to remove it and her pants at the same time. Bea scoots up to a sitting position, and Allie straddles her hips again.

Both Allie’s sides are bruised black and blue, so Bea just settles for stroking her tights lightly while they kiss. Seeing Allie like this gives Bea a heartache. She is so beautiful, inside and out, and she has been so hurt by people for Bea’s sake. Despite all that, she is still here, giving Bea everything.

Bea is filled with an urgency that she cannot contain, and she moves her hand to the front of Allie’s underwear, cupping her, feeling the wetness that has already seeped through the fabric. Allie whines and presses herself closer to Bea’s fingers.

”God, I need you”, Allie says, her voice heavy, and Bea loses any shred of cool she had left. She pushes Allie’s underwear out of the way, finding her way through the swollen wet folds, swirling her fingers against Allie’s clit. Allie trembles and moans and Bea almost cannot breathe, she is so mesmerized by how good this makes her feel, how Allie’s pleasure is her own.

”Yes”, Allie hisses and adjusts herself a little on Bea’s lap to give her more room, causing Bea’s fingers to slip downwards. As Bea slides her fingers effortlessly inside Allie, Allie cradles Bea’s head, pressing their foreheads together, groaning and jerking her hips involuntarily.

Allie starts riding her fingers, both of them moving slow and careful. The urgency is forgotten for a while. It’s like both of them want to savor the moment as much as they can. After a while, Allie leans back, giving Bea and eyeful of her body. Allie seems to sense what seeing her like this does to Bea, and shows no signs of inhibition. Allie lets her hands travel over her own breasts, cupping them and squeezing her nipples. Bea just stares, feeling like she doesn't blink for minutes, not wanting to miss a single second.

”I could come just from the way you’re looking at me right now”, Allie groans. Bea grips her hip for leverage and pushes firmer into Allie, who responds by a roll of her hips. ”Fuck”, Allie gasps. ”That’s so good.”

That’s something Allie does, she talks during sex, seemingly delighting how obviously it affects Bea. It lights a fire in Bea’s belly and makes her want to do anything for Allie.

”Oh”, Allie gasps as Bea flexes her fingers, twisting them inside her. ”Baby. I love your fingers”, Allie whispers, making Bea gasp and clench between her own legs. She wishes she had any kind of proficiency for dirty talk herself, but she is still not good at that so she just moves her fingers with greater purpose, desperate to make Allie feel her completely. She is rewarded with seeing Allie get lost in pleasure.

Bea works her right hand quickly and firmly, pressing exactly where Allie has taught her is her favorite spot, and when Allie doesn’t seem to be capable of speech anymore, she moves her left hand between them, circling Allie’s clit in time with the movements of her other hand.

When it’s a really good one, Allie doesn’t make a sound. She just clutches hard to Bea, shaking and convulsing in her lap, her body squeezing Bea’s fingers again and again, before sinking down heavily on top of Bea, panting and shivering. Bea keeps her fingers inside Allie, not wanting to let her go, while stroking her back with her left hand.

Bea’s own breath is quick and irregular and she is so wet she thinks maybe she ought to be embarrassed. When Allie has recovered a little, she moves to kiss Bea, deep and slow. Bea feels herself quake and Allie wraps her arms around her, kissing her cheek and down her neck, holding her close for a long time.

When Allie starts to get cold, she climbs off of Bea’s lap to get under the covers. Bea stands up to remove her pants and to change into a tank for the night.

When she is ready to get back in bed, Allie is on her side, watching Bea carefully.

Bea settles beside her, cupping Allie’s cheek. ”What is it?” she asks.

”I’m starting to worry that I’m the only one getting anything out of this.” Allie’s voice is soft, but she looks a little worried underneath the calm exterior.

”That’s not true”, Bea murmurs, stroking Allie’s cheek. ”I get a lot out of it, believe me. Being with you, it’s… Anything we do, it gives me so much. Even when you don’t even touch me, it’s really good for me.” She bites her lip, unsure if she got her point across. She is so bad at talking about this stuff. ”Does that make sense?”

”It does”, Allie says. ”I just want to make you happy.”

”You do”, Bea sighs, not able to stop herself from kissing Allie again. ”You do. All the time.” She tries to show Allie how much with her kisses. They kiss until Bea feels herself almost dizzy with arousal. She grabs the hem of her own tank and pulls it carelessly over her head, throwing it to the side. Allie’s eyes practically glaze over when she stares at Bea’s naked torso, but she still hesitates to touch, and Bea is again floored by how respectful Allie is, waiting her out.

”It’s okay”, she murmurs, gathering Allie’s hands to her breasts.

She is a bit still scared, but God, she wants Allie. She didn’t know it was possible to ache for something like she does for this. As Allie starts to kiss her shoulders and down to her breasts, she feels goosebumps break out all over.

If she was aroused before, it’s nothing compared to what she feels when Allie starts to lick at one breast, while massaging the other, letting her tongue and thumb brush over Bea’s nipples over and over again.

When Allie’s hand travels lightly over Bea’s stomach, sliding over her scars, Bea feels herself tense up without meaning to. Of course, Allie notices right away.

”What are you thinking?” Allie asks.

Bea hesitates before speaking, she feels ashamed for feeling this way, but she wants Allie to know. ”I guess I’m a little scared that it will hurt, and that it will remind me of him.” Being reminded of Harry while being with Allie is the last thing she wants. She hasn’t been so far. Everything they’ve done is so far removed from anything Bea has experienced before, there really isn’t any comparison.

”I understand that”, Allie says softly.

”I’m sorry I’m so uptight”, Bea mutters, turning her face away in shame. ”It can’t be much fun for you.”

”Hey”, Allie says firmly, pulling Bea’s face back towards her. ”You’re not uptight. And I can guarantee I have fun with you no matter what we do”, she says, smiling a little. ”What I said earlier, I didn’t mean for you to feel like you have to do anything. If you’re still in pain, we’ll wait.”

”I don’t even know if I am”, Bea says. ”It’s the not knowing that’s hard.”

Allie nods seriously. ”Maybe it would be easier if you touch yourself first, to see how it feels?”

”Now?” Bea flushes deeply at the thought of touching herself in front of Allie, and the ache below grows even stronger.

Allie looks a little surprised. She licks her lips. ”If you want.”

”Wouldn’t it… It wouldn’t be weird?”

”More like a fantasy come true”, Allie says, giving her a wicked smirk. Bea just blushes harder. ”But I was thinking more like when you’re alone, so there’s no pressure.”

”You never pressure me”, Bea says, stroking her thumb over Allie’s bottom lip.

Allie swallows visibly. ”You want to try it?” she murmurs.

Bea nods. She is shocked by exactly how much she wants to. That isn’t something she ever imagined she would do.

She isn’t sure how to do it. She isn’t exactly super experienced in this arena. Before going to prison, the need for it never stirred. She hadn’t even tried it properly before she came to Wentworth, and her tentative sessions alone in her cell had been a welcome distraction, but when her life took a turn from bad to worse, her motivation for self exploration shrunk away completely.

Then Allie came into her life and awoke something inside her that she hadn't known existed. Even though she had been outwardly outraged when Allie talked to Boomer about self massage techniques, she had been listening very carefully. She had found it was so much easier feeling inspired when thinking of Allie.

She is acutely aware of how close Allie is pressed to her in the narrow bed. She can feel Allie’s warm breath on her skin and she kisses her before reaching down under the covers to remove her own underwear. They are soaked, and when she kicks them away and puts her hand on the inside of her thigh, she can feel the wetness there.

She closes her eyes and touches herself lightly, gathering some wetness on her fingertips and circling them slowly. This part is fine, as she thought it would be.

”Can I watch you?” Allie asks, her voice hoarse.

Bea nods. She finds that she wants Allie to watch her. What a thought. If someone had told her she’d do something like this a year ago she would have thought they were insane.

Allie pulls the sheet away from Bea’s body, her eyes roaming all over Bea, her jaw slack and her breath quick and strained. Bea has to close her eyes again. It is one thing to be watched by Allie, but she might lose her nerve if she keeps her own eyes open.

”Does it feel good?” Allie whispers.

”Yeah”, Bea breathes.

It does feel good, and when she tries to move her hips, there is a faint stretching in her guts, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. She presses a finger inside and her inner muscles pull at it, twitching. She moves her hips a little more aggressively, and it’s fine, it’s good. She lets out a swoosh of air and sobs with relief and pleasure. And as much as she is enjoying this, she needs something else. She opens her eyes to look at Allie.

”I want you”, Bea murmurs, pulling Allie towards her.

Allie doesn’t hesitate for a second, letting her fingers follow Bea’s.

As she clasps Allie’s hand to guide her, Bea can feel that Allie is shaking. She cradles Allie’s cheek, wanting to hold her close and look at her face. ”Oh my God”, Allie manages when she slides her fingers through the abundant wetness between Bea’s legs. ”Oh my God. Bea.”

Bea parts her legs more, giving Allie more room to touch her. Allie kisses her throat and her breast, her fingers touching her with almost unbearable lightness. Allie is so gentle with her, Bea feels tears forming in the back of her throat. Pleasure is overtaking her quickly, and she moves to urge Allie on. Allie’s eyes are glued to hers, it’s like she is reading Bea like an open book, it’s like she is inside her head, doing everything right. When Allie applies a bit more pressure, Bea’s orgasm overtakes her like a wave against a sandy shoreline, washing every other feeling she has ever had away.

Bea feels totally blissed out afterward, lightheaded and happy, aftershocks running through her. When she opens her eyes, she finds Allie looking down at her like she is the most wonderful thing in the world.

”Again?” Allie asks. And without thinking, Bea just nods, parting her legs again as Allie kisses down her body and settles between her legs. She’s so sensitive now, but it’s like Allie knows exactly, and works her up carefully with her lips and tongue. As Bea feels it building again, quickly and wonderfully, she feels tears slipping from her eyes as Allie makes her quake to her very core.

When Allie crawls back up to look at Bea again, she is still shaking, her cheeks and chest flushed and her eyes stormy and wild. Bea strokes her thumb over Allie’s wet lips. ”I love you”, Allie says, almost sounding like she’s in agony. ”Do you know that? I fucking adore you.”’

”I know”, Bea says, kissing Allie with abandon, flipping them over, starting everything all over again. ”I love you so much too.”

—


	18. Chapter 18

—

As usual, Bea wakes up at the crack of dawn, with her heart pounding all the way to her fingertips. It's like her body wakes itself up after the bare minimum of sleep, searching for Allie, who is sleeping soundly beside her. 

Bea turns to look at her properly. She looks so peaceful, her face relaxed and beautiful and just… _everything_.

Has Bea’s whole life been leading up to this place in time, where she finally has learned to love someone so completely, body and soul? As an all encompassing physical experience as well as an emotional one. All those wasted years with Harry, losing Debbie, all the hardships of prison… If this is her reward for enduring all that pain, she reckons she’ll take it and never let go.

Memories of last night overwhelms Bea and a smile spreads over her face. She knew what Allie could do to her before, but this time she has time to really indulge in thoughts about it, and she does, her pulse quickening again. Last time everything came crashing down before she had time to revel in all the new feelings.

Her whole life, she had always thought of herself as desensitized and at best uninterested in sex, at worst scared of it. Harry had always complained about her being frigid. But with Allie it’s so different, she can't even compare it to any memory of Harry, and she is grateful for that. Maybe Allie is right, maybe what Harry did to her wasn't even sex at all. She always felt detached from it. Like it was something happening _to_ her, never something she participated in or even wanted to happen.

Bea has never liked to think about that too much, but she has mentioned it to Bridget in their sessions and she finds that she is surprisingly okay talking about it. It has made it clearer in her mind. Getting some perspective on her past makes her even more grateful for what she has found with Allie. Allie who cares for her more than anyone ever has, who takes care of her in every possible way.

Bea is in prison for life, threats of violence and horror hanging over her and Allie both, but in this moment, she feels herself incredibly lucky. Even this hell hole seems tolerable, or, dare she think it, even enjoyable, now that Allie exists in her life.

Bea buries her face in Allie's neck, inhaling the scent of her hair, spooning her, getting as close as she can.

"Why are you always up so early?" Allie mumbles, startling Bea from her thoughts.

"I don't know. I guess I just love looking at you.” Bea feels herself grin, propping her head up to glance at Allie’s face from behind. ”I could do it all day.”

"Good answer", Allie chuckles sleepily, turning to face Bea, running her hand over Bea’s arm.

”It’s like you’re getting more beautiful every morning”, Bea says wondrously, touching Allie’s face with reverence. ”It’s weird.”

Allie smiles, squinting a little, getting used to the light from the window. ”You’re on a roll today.”

”Shut up”, Bea murmurs. ”You know I mean it.”

Allie grins and opens her arms so Bea can lean in to her, squeezing impossibly closer in the small bed. She loves this, being close like this, and she is happy that it comes so naturally for her. She hasn’t had much of this at all, but it’s just so incredibly easy. She feels like she has been woken up from a slumber, or like she is finally seeing spring arise after an especially harrowing winter. She sinks in to Allie’s embrace, resting there for a long while.

Allie runs her hand up and down Bea’s back, eventually letting her fingertips travel lightly over Bea’s side, making Bea squirm and stifle a giggle.

”Oh my God”, Allie says, looking at Bea with her eyes filled with mischief. ”You’re ticklish!” she exclaims with glee that is almost childlike.

”No!” Bea hisses with laughter, as Allie pinches her gently and tickles her ribs with more purpose. ”That’s so mean!”

Allie lets up a little, laughing. ”I’m so gonna use this against you when you least expect it.”

”Oh, no”, Bea moans dramatically and Allie grins even wider. ”This is just like when Debbie found out I was ticklish.”

”Yeah?”

”I used to do this thing when she was little. I’d turn in to the Tickle Monster and chase her all over the house.” Bea pulls a face and curls her fingers into claws to demonstrate.

Allie beams. ”That’s too cute.”

”She used to love that.” Bea smiles at the memory of Debbie shrieking with joy when Bea caught up with her. ”But when she got a bit older she figured out I was ticklish too, and the roles kind of reversed.”

”You created a new monster, eh”, Allie says softly.

”Yeah. She was too smart not to figure out how to turn the tables on me.” Bea smiles wistfully at the recollection.

”Are you okay?” Allie asks, touching Bea’s cheek.

”Yeah.” She is, surprisingly so. ”It’s actually nice to talk about her with you. I want you to know about her.”

”Me too”, Allie says, and Bea can see and feel how genuine Allie is. Bea moves forward and kisses Allie softly. Just as the kiss deepens, Allie’s fingers dig into her skin and Bea yelps as Allie laughs and keeps tickling her.

Bea squeaks with laughter and tries to get away. She can’t retaliate as she would like because of Allie’s bruises, but they start to wrestle playfully, giggling like teenagers. Allie gives up surprisingly easy when Bea comes down on top of her. Bea stares down at Allie, drinking in how intoxicating and full of life she is.

And God, she wants it again. How is that even possible? 

The air around them seems to change and Bea becomes acutely aware of Allie’s thigh slipping higher up between her legs, gracing lightly at the apex of her thighs.

"So that's how it is”, Allie husks. She is smirking, obviously feeling that Bea has already gotten wet.

Bea flushes with embarrassment, feeling ridiculous. She is a grown woman, she should be able to contain herself. ”I’m sorry, it’s—”

Allie silences Bea with a finger to Bea’s lips. ”Don’t ever be sorry about that”, Allie murmurs, making Bea let go of her self-consciousness. Allie summons Bea down to meet her lips, kissing her so excruciatingly softly, letting her warm tongue lightly stroke at Bea’s lips, making Bea shiver and kiss her back. Heat is radiating from Allie’s body, flooding into Bea, burning her up. Their breasts are rubbing against each other, sending shockwaves of pleasure through Bea’s body.

Allie presses her thigh firmer up against Bea, who gasps. "That feel good?"

"Yeah", Bea says breathlessly. "It's... Yeah.” She wants to move against Allie, she's already trembling with yearning and Allie seems to know it. She strokes her hands down Bea's back, her hands grabbing on to her arse, pulling Bea tightly against her, Bea sliding against Allie’s thigh. Bea gasps again and closes her eyes to gather herself.

”You need it?” Allie asks, nipping at Bea’s lips. Bea nods against Allie’s mouth, unable to speak. "Just do it. Just follow your body", Allie murmurs, her breath already heavier. 

Bea gives up then, and adjusts herself a little and presses down with her hips. Her own thigh is pressing against Allie, as well. She moans at the feel of Allie's arousal coating her leg, and the knowledge that Allie is just as bad off as she is makes her mind leave her body for a few seconds. She instinctually starts to move slowly against Allie.

Bea leans down to kiss Allie, Allie’s warm mouth opening eagerly. Bea shivers at the friction and starts to move more firmly. Allie sucks in a breath and pulls Bea even tighter against her. Then Allie begins to undulate her own hips, meeting Bea’s every push against her. And, _oh_.

"Oh God", Bea moans, feeling herself getting even wetter and throbbing hard, overtaken with a delirious desire. The taking of pleasure for herself is so unfamiliar, but it’s like her body is doing it all by itself now. "What are you doing to me?”

”I'll do anything you want”, Allie pants, burying her face in Bea’s neck, nipping at her skin there, making Bea gulp and twitch down below. ”Just don't stop.”

Stop? There is no way she could stop now, with Allie writhing so perfectly against her and the pressure building low in her own abdomen. "I can't", Bea moans, speeding up, feeling Allie's warmth spreading all over her thigh. "I can't stop." 

”Good”, Allie purrs in her ear, closing her teeth on Bea’s earlobe. ”I love feeling you like this.”

How can Allie talk to her like that, and just completely unravel her with her voice? The build up is a little slower than last night, but it’s wonderful, the way they’re both experiencing it at the same time. Bea presses her forehead to Allie’s, then moving to kiss her, wanting taste her skin, feeling a sheen of sweat gather on both their bodies, egging her on even more. She cups Allie’s breast, rubbing her thumb over the nipple, making Allie close her eyes and press herself eagerly against Bea’s hand.

”Are you close?” Bea asks boldly, knowing the answer, but desperate to hear Allie talk to her.

”Yeah”, Allie groans, opening her eyes again. ”Fuck yeah. You too?”

”Yeah”, Bea pants, her legs starting to shake. She runs her hand over Allie’s cheek, and Allie moves to nip at her fingers, sucking them into her mouth, swirling her tongue against them, staring at Bea hotly. ”Jesus”, Bea manages, almost completely gone now. ”You’re gonna make me come”, she whispers.

Those words seems to push Allie over the edge. Bea watches, transfixed as Allie’s face contorts into pure pleasure, her whole body shaking, her pelvis twitching against Bea’s thigh. Just a few jerks of their hips later, Bea follows her with a cry muffled into Allie’s shoulder.

Afterward, Bea feels completely spent, her body weak and quivering. Allie holds her hard, making her stay where she is, waiting for the inevitable call for the count.

When she has finally recovered her breath, Allie pushes Bea’s hair out of her face and kisses her mouth and cheeks. ”You’re so fucking wonderful", Allie says between kisses. "I can't believe I got you.”

—

As Bea steps into the visitors centre and lays eyes on Franky for the first time in months, she feels her face light up into the most brilliant smile.

”’Bout time, Red!” Franky exclaims with a huge grin, pulling Bea into a big hug. ”Bloody hell. I never thought Vinegar Tits would give you back your privileges. If it weren’t for Gidge, I would’ve thought they’d locked you up in some dungeon somewhere. How are you?”

”Not so bad”, Bea says, squeezing Franky’s elbows.

Franky gives a low whistle. ”Gotta say, you look terrific. I like the hair. Softens you a bit”, Franky jabs, winking.

”Yeah, that’s what I need right now.” Bea rolls her eyes.

”People giving you shit?”

”Some. But mostly indirectly.”

”Well. You’re just not as big and bad as you used to be, are you? Love will do that to you. Look at me. I’m a puppy!”

Bea laughs quietly. It’s true. Being away from prison, having a worthwhile job and a loving relationship has really done wonders for Franky. Bea tries to imagine them sitting like this, good and trusting friends, a few years ago and she can’t phantom it. A lot changed with the Freak and the fire, and everything that came after.

”So”, Franky begins, already letting Bea know she is digging for something juicy. ”I assume you’re getting laid on the regular now?”

”God, it didn’t even take you five minutes”, Bea groans. ”Can’t you talk about something else?”

Franky just laughs, obviously loving to make Bea uncomfortable. ”Do you reckon I would go all the way out here if it weren’t for all the gory details you can’t tell me over the phone?”

”You won’t get any details”, Bea huffs.

”Alright.” Franky lifts her hands in mock defeat. ”Fair enough. At least tell me if it’s any good.”

Bea just sighs and blushes. She is just learning to talk about sex with Allie - which she finds kind of enticing, to be honest - but it’s a bit much with Franky. Of course, her reaction says it all, and Franky laughs delightedly.

”Well, damn Red”, Franky says slowly, looking impressed. ”Congratulations! Though I already knew it must be pretty good. Everything about you screams freshly fucked.”

”Ssssh!” Bea hisses, looking around, mortified. Everyone seems preoccupied with their own conversations, and she breathes a sigh of relief. ”Keep your voice down! There are kids in here.”

”Oh, please! They don’t care about your sex life. It’s so unfair that you would deny the person who does.” Franky touches her hand to her chest dramatically. ”I’m wounded.”

”Piss off”, Bea laughs.

They sink in to a more neutral conversation, Franky enquiring about their friends and telling Bea all about how well she is doing at her job. Bea feels proud that Franky is carving out a future for herself, doing good and helping others. It seems to give her an air of confidence that is very becoming.

”You seem almost as good as new”, Franky says, after observing Bea for a while.

”I’m getting there. I still have to take it easy when I work out, but other than that, I’m good.”

”How is Allie doing? She’s recovered?”

”Yeah, she… Well, she’s recovered from the hot-shot. But she’s been bashed a few times lately.”

”Shit! Why?”

”You know I told you I lagged on Tina?” Bea asks in a hushed voice, shame burning in her chest.

Franky nods in understanding. ”She’s out to get you through Allie?”

”Bingo.” Bea bites her lip, feeling frustration bubble to the surface. ”I should have kept my mouth shut. I wanted to protect Allie, but instead I made things worse.”

”Love makes you do stupid things”, Franky states with a shrug. ”You should watch out, though. Tina is worse than she seems”, Franky says quietly. ”If she and Cindy Lou had gotten their way, I wouldn’t be sitting here.”

”Fuck”, Beas sighs, rubbing her brow. The very real thought that she might actually have to try and kill Tina enters her mind. It’s not the first time she has thought about it. But now that she isn’t as furious and impulsive as she was when she first found out it was Tina who bashed Allie, she hopes it won’t come to that. As much as she hates Tina for what she has done, and what she might still do, the last thing Bea needs is another stain on her soul, another dead person haunting her dreams. ”I can’t let her hurt Allie. She’s…” Bea feels herself wanting to weep. ”Franky, she is everything I never thought I’d have.”

”Hey”, Franky says, grasping at Bea’s hand, her face soft. ”You’ll figure something out.”

Bea bites her lip, feeling bad that she is yet again going to ask Franky for a favor. ”I think I have. But I need your help.” Franky nods and Bea scoots as close as she can, lowering her voice as much as possible. ”Tina is being supplied by a screw. Big time.”

”You’re kidding?” Franky looks as disbelieving as Bea was when she heard. ”So you’re going after her supplier?”

Bea nods. ”His name is Jake Stewart”, she whispers into Franky’s ear. ”Will you check him out for me?”

”Yeah, alright.” Franky squeezes Bea’s hand. ”So you want him to take the blow?”

Bea nods. ”If he goes, so does her position. Would that be a problem for you?”

”Fuck no”, Franky whispers fiercely. ”I’ve got no love for a bent screw. And certainly not for Tina.”

”Thank you”, Bea sighs. ”Just keep it legal, yeah? Don’t do anything to jeopardize your parole.”

”No problem, Red.” Franky waves her hands dismissively.

”Why are you helping me so much?” Bea asks, genuinely wondering. She had hoped for Franky’s help, of course, but she hadn’t counted on it.

”Isn’t it obvious? It’s cuz I want you”, Franky quips with a grin and Bea snorts with laughter. ”No, but seriously. I owe you. I’d have none of the things I have now if it weren’t for you. I’d be dead in the ground.”

”You don’t owe me shit”, Bea says softly. ”I don’t expect you to do anything for me out of obligation, all right?”

”Yeah, well…” Franky actually appears a little misty eyed, looking at Bea. ”You could have let me burn, but you gave me my life and I’ll always love you for that.”

Bea feels herself choke up a little, too. ”So you want me _and_ you love me”, she deflects, making Franky laugh again, breaking the serious tension between them. ”Wow. What is Bridget going to say?”

”She’ll say you’re lying”, Franky says. ”She knows I’ve got standards.”

—


	19. Chapter 19

—

The mood in H-block is severe, as the screws wheels a covered body away on a gurney. Women stand gathered on each side of the corridor, watching the display. Sobs are heard among them. Bea clasps hard at Allie’s hand as they stand beside each other in the crowd.

Bea knows the girl who died. Her name was Janie Kirk, a 22-year old who had been doing time for burglary. She was a troubled girl when she first got locked up, but she had managed to kick her habit and soon became one of the best students in the program. She had been sweet natured and well liked by everyone. She was found dead in her cell during rec time, the needle still in her arm.

Doreen is crying, and Liz pats her back. ”She was such a good kid, wasn’t she”, Liz says, her own eyes blank with tears.

”She was”, Doreen says, wiping at her eyes. ”I thought she’d turned things around. She was doing so well.”

Bea feels like she might cry too. Allie doesn’t let go of her hand, keeping her grounded. They all walk back to H1 together, sitting down on the sofa in silence.

Allie turns to Bea, drawing soothing patterns over her back. ”Are you okay?” she whispers.

”It stirs things up, you know?” Bea whispers back, not wanting the others to hear. She thinks about Debbie, dying all alone in her bed, and about how close Allie came to losing her life a few months ago. Allie puts her arm around Bea’s shoulders, pulling her close and kissing her temple. Bea smiles, bleak but grateful.

They all sit together in subdued silence. There isn’t much to say on a day like this.

Suddenly, Kaz comes barging through the gate, face like a thunderstorm. She makes an impatient gesture towards Bea and she gets up to meet Kaz, Allie following close behind. As soon as the door of Allie’s cell clicks shut, Kaz turns to Bea, getting all up in her face.

”What the fuck is taking so long?” Kaz spits.

”We’re trying to get—” Bea starts.

”Work faster!” Kaz interrupts, shouting so saliva rains over Bea’s face.

”We’re doing everything we can. Why aren’t you doing something about this yourself?” Bea asks, her teeth clenched hard. The self-righteousness in Kaz’s tone rubs Bea the wrong way. She can’t help but bite back.

”My hands are tied!” Kaz exclaims, waving her arms around in frustration. ”I don’t know why I’m counting on you to get anything done. She was a mother, did you know that?” she asks accusingly.

Bea knows she shouldn’t antagonize Kaz, but she cannot stand the hypocrisy.

”Yeah, I did. And she’d still be alive if it weren’t for you letting Tina bring in all her shit.”

”Fuck you”, Kaz gasps, taking a step towards Bea, looking like she might jump at her any second.

Allie walks in between them, pushing Kaz away from Bea. ”Okay. Calm down”, she says sternly. ”Stop playing the fucking blame game. There’s no point.”

Bea can see Kaz is practically boiling with pent up rage, and Bea snarls at her. She loathes that sanctimonious face, she would be very happy to put her fist right through it.

”Can I talk to Kaz alone for a bit?” Allie asks, turning to look at Bea pleadingly.

Bea doesn’t respond, she just nods and exits the cell, leaving them alone. She goes back to her friends on the couch.

”What’s up?” Maxine asks quietly.

”Fucking Kaz”, Bea huffs, without elaborating. She’s relieved that Allie asked her to leave, as she certainly would have done something stupid otherwise. She is grateful that Kaz has helped keep some of her enemies off her back, but if she never has to interact with her ever again, it will be too soon.

Allie and Kaz stay out of sight for a long time, and eventually Bea withdraws to her own cell. She attempts to draw a portrait of Janie for the memorial service. It’s difficult to do it just from memory, and she wishes she had a picture.

She wishes Janie didn’t have to die at 22 and that her three year old wouldn’t grow up without knowing his mother.

She tosses the pad to the floor and sighs, rubbing her forehead. She had tried so hard to keep drugs out of this prison. She had almost sold her soul to do it, she had hurt people for what she thought was the greater good. Like Jodie, who was only collateral damage. And Franky, who was her friend.

To watch the drugs pouring in and drawing so many of the women down into addiction, undoing everything she fought so hard for during her stint as top dog hurts more than she could have imagined.

”Hey.” Allie comes through her door, and shuts it behind her.

”Is she completely unable to see her own part in this?” Bea asks incredulously.

”She is feeling really guilty about what happened to Janie, and everything else”, Allie says, sitting down beside Bea. ”That’s why she’s lashing out. It’s what she does. I think it’s just easier for her to blame you for it.”

”I’m glad you told me to leave. I was a second away from putting her through the wall.”

”I know. I couldn’t well let you two trash my cell, could I.”

”What did you say to her?”

”I just let her talk and then I tried to steer her in a more constructive direction. She’s calmer now. I’m sorry I didn’t side with you more openly”, Allie says, taking Bea’s hand. ”I agree with you. But I know how she works, and if you’d kept goading her she would have blown a gasket, and then where would we be.”

Bea has to admit, she is a little impressed at how well Allie is managing Kaz, who to Bea seems completely unmanageable. ”I’m glad one of us three is level headed enough”, Bea says, smiling a little, rubbing Allie’s knee.

”Someone’s got to be, right? We’ll just have to sit tight until we hear from Franky. Kaz isn’t going to do anything about Tina. At least not before we cut off her supply.”

Bea snorts in distain. ”Isn’t she supposed to stand up for the women or some bullshit like that?”

”She made a deal with the devil. Now she feels like she can’t get out of it.”

Bea sighs and puts her head down on Allie’s lap. Kaz may be a bitch, but Bea is still relieved Kaz is top dog and not her. ”I’m so glad I’m done with all that.”

”I am too”, Allie says, letting her fingers play with Bea’s locks. ”I could see how much it was hurting you. But you were good, and you were strong. You did what you thought was best, even when it was hard. I’ll always admire that about you.”

”Don’t.” Bea turns her head away. That praise doesn’t feel deserved. She fucked up so many times, and in the end, what good did all her efforts do? They are back on square one with the drugs, or worse.

”No, listen”, Allie says softly, cupping Bea’s face, the light flutter of her fingers on skin making Bea shiver. ”You’re so tenderhearted. Most people don’t know that, but I do. You’re sweet and kind and too good for this place.”

”How can you think that?” Bea asks, her voice thick.

Allie’s expression grows even softer, her eyes are filled with warmth. ”Because I know you”, she says.

—

Bea head is resting heavily on Allie’s chest, her body boneless after a long night of lovemaking. Has she ever thought of sex as making love before she met Allie? No, never. She feels like she can finally make sense of the term.

She doesn’t think that there is an inch of her body that Allie hasn’t kissed tonight. She has never felt more enveloped by love, she could feel Allie’s devotion to her through every touch and kiss, in the way she almost turned Bea inside out with pleasure. She has let Allie get under her skin and into her head in unprecedented ways, and surrendering to it all and letting Allie wash over her had been close to an out of body experience. Allie had been unusually lost for words, just laser focused on Bea, gently coaxing pleasure from her at every turn.

”Allie?” she whispers.

”Mmm.” Allie turns her head a little and kisses Bea’s forehead.

”Is it always like this?”

Allie opens her eyes. They are still a little hazy from her orgasm, which came quickly as soon as Bea finally got to touch her.

Bea’s mind is then blown when she realizes that she is actually intimately familiar with Allie’s post orgasm face.

”How do you mean?” Allie asks, drawing Bea’s thoughts back on track.

”I mean… sex. With women.” Bea feels bashful and a little stupid for asking, but she has been thinking about this for a while.

The corner of Allie’s mouth turn upwards into a slight smile. ”No. It’s not”, she says, and kisses Bea. ”Not even close. Why do you ask?”

”I’m just wondering if it’s a woman thing, or just a you thing.”

”You tell me.” Allie quirks an eyebrow, looking a little amused. ”You think you would want some other woman to eat you the way I just did?”

_”No”_ , Bea says, her cheeks flaming from the way Allie puts it. Allie just chuckles at Bea’s outrage. Anyway, the thought is ridiculous. There is no other person she has ever met that she would want to be with like that. ”I just mean that I still don’t know what I am.” Bea feels a little bad about that. She should know by now, shouldn’t she? But she has nothing to compare this to, except for the horribleness with Harry.

”Let me ask you something.” Allie pulls the blanket over them both and props her head up on her hand so they can look at each other properly. ”Do you like being with me?”

”Yes”, Bea answers with emphasis. She can’t help but reach out and touch Allie’s face. Words cannot adequately express what she feels when they are together. ”Of course I do. You know that.”

”I do.” Allie smiles warmly. ”How does it make you feel?”

”It’s…” Bea is searching for the right way to explain it, there are a thousand answers to that question. ”It just feels so right to me.”

”Good”, Allie says softly. ”Isn’t that enough, then?”

”Yeah, I guess it is. But is it for you?”

”I’ve told you, I don’t care what you are. I care about this.” Allie motions her hand between them, touching her fingers to Bea’s sternum. ”That’s all that really matters to me.”

Bea understands, and she takes Allie’s hand, kissing her knuckles.

”What made you start thinking about this?” Allie asks.

”I don’t know. This, us, it’s just so different from, well, _before_.” She doesn’t want to mention her marriage too much in these situations, mostly because she is a little afraid it will turn Allie off. It’s certainly a turn off for Bea to even think about it.

”How was it before?”

”You know I told you sex wasn’t my thing?”

”Yeah. Not true, by the way”, Allie says, smirking.

Bea grins at the backhanded compliment. ”I always thought it wasn’t, though. Harry used to say he’d have more fun with a corpse.”

Allie’s expression shifts quickly, a deep frown forming on her face. Allie never pushes when they talk about these things, she just waits and lets Bea say as much as she is comfortable with, but Bea can see the questions forming in Allie’s head. ”As far as I understand, he was a fucking arsehole”, Allie says, her tone flat.

”Yeah”, Bea sighs. ”He really was. Wish I’d known that before I married him. But I was young and inexperienced…” Bea can picture herself at 17, shyly accepting Harry’s invitation to a house party. No guy had ever really noticed her before, so of course, she had been flattered by the attention. He was a few years older and interested in her, for some reason. There hadn’t really been any cause to refuse him. ”After we got married, I tried to tell myself that him, you know, slapping me around sometimes wasn’t such a big deal. My dad had done it to my mum sometimes when he was off his face. But over time, it just got worse.” And worse and worse until she had finally lost her last shard of self-restraint and tried to kill him.

Allie doesn’t say anything, she just lets their fingers intertwine.

”I could never enjoy sex with him. He was always so…” Bea stops herself, hesitating. ”I’m sorry, I don’t even know if you want to hear this.”

”I do”, Allie says quietly. ”If you want to tell me.”

”He was always quite… I guess, brutal about it.” Bea can see Allie’s eyes narrow ever so slightly. A blank sheen of tears forms over them, and Bea wonders what that means. ”After meeting you, I’m realizing more and more that maybe me not liking it was because of him.”

”Good. Because I can guarantee you it wasn’t about you”, Allie says fiercely, cupping Bea’s cheek. ”Men like him doesn’t know how to give anything, all they know is how to take and hurt. And they like having the power to do that.”

Bea hesitates before she asks. ”Have you met many men like that?”

”Yes”, Allie says simply. ”Kind of went with the job description.”

”How did you stand it?”

”Number one: drugs”, Allie says in a self-deprecating tone. ”And I treated it like a job and nothing else. Helped me keep it separated from myself in a way. When it was time, I always checked out mentally or I got high. It helped, especially when it got painful sometimes.”

Bea heart aches when she thinks about Allie having to endure all sorts of things at the hands of cruel men like Harry. She is also stunned at how easy it seems to be for Allie to talk about it. Bea herself feels like she is pulling teeth every time she tries to formulate a sentence about her past experiences.

”Does it bother you when I talk about that?” Allie asks quietly, misinterpreting Bea’s silence.

”What? No!” Bea says, horrified that Allie might think so.

”I wouldn’t blame you”, Allie says evenly. ”I know my past isn’t exactly—”

”Sweetheart, don’t even think like that”, Bea interrupts. ”It’s not true. I want you to be able to tell me anything.” Allie smiles, and Bea just has to kiss her. ”You make me feel so many things”, she murmurs. ”I never thought I’d have something like this, ever. I had no idea I was capable of feeling all these things.”

”It’s always different if you really want it”, Allie says, stroking her fingers through Bea’s hair.

Bea contemplates this for a moment, trying to think of a time she truly wanted to have sex with Harry, but coming up short. She had been so shy in the beginning, and he just did what he wanted. When she became pregnant soon after they got together, she had been so sick she had not been interested in any of it. Harry hadn’t been hiding his anger and frustration about that, and then sex had turned into something scary and painful that she just had to endure.

”I guess that’s it”, she says slowly. ”That I want it with you.” Just talking about it makes Bea shiver pleasantly. That want transcends everything, and makes her feel human and alive in ways that was earlier unknown to her. ”I couldn’t have dreamed you up even if I’d tried.”

”I’ve never felt like this before”, Allie says, biting her lip. She looks a little shy, she who is usually so brave and bold. Bea thinks it might be the sweetest thing she has ever seen. ”You asked me about other women, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t even compare. You’re the most wonderful person I’ve ever met.”

Bea blushes, feeling her face split into a huge smile and her eyes brim up with tears. Because she knows Allie is telling her the truth. Even if Bea can’t see anything wonderful about herself, the fact that Allie does makes Bea feel a lot better about a lot of things. ”I feel the same way about you”, she says, almost demurely, but with the deepest conviction.

They kiss, smiling into each other, curling closer, lingering in a place that only belongs to them.

—

 


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said they can't have sex all the time, but apparently they can and they do. Sorry not sorry.

—

Today is Allie’s first day at her new job assignment after being spared for a while because of her ribs. Even though Allie hadn’t requested it, Governor Bennett had decided to pull her from kitchen duty and put her on laundry with the rest of her unit. Probably because she suspected she was running the risk of getting bashed again.

It’s relief for everyone. Allie had not been looking forward to returning to the kitchen with Tina and her crew looming over her, and Bea had been worried sick about it.

But she soon realizes her new job posts a new problem, of a quite different nature.

She is usually a good worker. Effective and diligent. And she likes work duty, it fills the days up. She doesn’t mind even the most dull and monotone tasks. But now, she is getting fuck all done, too distracted by watching Bea bending over and stuffing the washing machines full of dirty linens.

Allie can’t tear her eyes away. Bea is just so perfect, all chiseled muscles and sharp edges, but softly curved at the same time, the prison uniform hugging her in all the right places as she moves and bends. Allie has to bite her cheek not to groan out loud. She reckons she has spent the better part of her time at Wentworth longing for Bea, spending hours alone in her own cell thinking about her, about wanting to get closer, to talk to her, touch her.

Today it’s worse than ever. Maybe because she now knows what is hidden underneath those clothes, how it feels to touch that skin. She’d much rather be doing that then fold all these sheets.

”Psst! Allie! Your tongue’s hanging out”, Boomer hisses over the table.

”Oh, fuck off. It’s not”, Allie says and lowers her eyes, trying to be less obvious.

”Whatever you say.”

Allie flips her off with a grin. Boomer just cackles, returning to her own tasks.

It takes Bea longer than Boomer to notice, but when she finally does, Allie can feel a jolt passing between them as Bea can clearly see what she is thinking. Bea blushes and glances sideways at Allie, her gaze hot on Allie’s skin.

They keep eyeing each other like that all shift long. Bea is a bit better at being discreet than Allie is, but she looks at Allie every chance she gets. It’s like their eyes are magnets, always seeking each other out. Just like in the very beginning, when they found each other in the crowd in the yard or the mess hall, and for a few seconds, everything else seemed to blur into the background. All that tension was such a thrill and such a source of frustration for Allie then, and it’s not much better now.

When it’s time for Allie to learn how to use the sewing machine, it’s Bea who comes over to teach her. She leans over Allie’s lap to show her how to thread it.

Allie enjoys the pressure of Bea against her, the smell of her hair surrounding her. Wild orchid. Her responses to just that smell, so distinctly Bea, have already become pavlovian in their strength. She is helpless against the wave of arousal that washes over her.

She is certain that Bea is not clueless about how this closeness is affecting her, but there is no way she can know how much. Allie is quite shocked at it herself. She watches as Bea handles the thread, her movements quick and practiced. Bea’s hands have a strength to them that Allie loves, just like the rest of Bea, and she swallows as her mind slips away from the task in front of her.

”Will you show me again?” Allie asks when Bea is finished. ”I didn’t quite catch it all.”

Bea chuckles quietly, her breath ticking the side of Allie’s face. ”You should pay better attention”, she says softly, and starts threading the machine all over again, slower this time.

”I am. I was just looking more at your fingers than the bloody thread”, Allie whispers.

”You’re hopeless”, Bea says, her voice warm and smooth like honey. Allie can’t see her smile, but she can hear it.

When it’s Allie’s turn do the threading, Bea stands behind her, so close that the heat of her body bleeds into Allie’s. She is stroking her fingers over Allie’s neck, casually down under the collar of the back of her t-shirt and up again. Just a bare whisper of touch, and it makes Allie shudder involuntarily. She hears Bea draw a sharp intake of breath and Allie has to squeeze thighs together, because the sound goes right down between her legs. She is sure Bea notices because her fingers press a little harder against Allie for a second. Bea doesn’t move her hands away, she stays put, watching Allie struggle with sewing a straight line while swirling her fingers against Allie’s prickled skin.

”Looks like you got it”, Bea says, squeezing Allie’s shoulders and walking away. She turns, smiling back at Allie, looking a bit bashful, her eyes sparkling.

By then, Allie is so worked up she wants to bang her head against the table in frustration.

—

As soon as they return to their unit, Allie takes Bea’s hand. ”Come here”, she whispers, and Bea follows her into her cell without hesitation.

Bea’s quiet giggle is music to Allie’s ears, and she presses Bea against the inside of the door with a smile. Bea immediately drags Allie in for a kiss, her mouth hot and hungry against Allie’s. Allie groans, answering the kiss with equal fervor, running her hands down Bea’s arms and gripping tightly at her hips.

”Have you any idea how fucking hot you make me?” Allie asks against Bea’s mouth, her breath already quick and heavy.

”I haven’t been able to stop looking at you all day”, Bea husks, her hands playing with the hair at the nape of Allie’s neck.

”I felt like I was gonna die if I didn’t get my hands on you”, Allie says, moving her fingers from Bea’s hip to her breast, finding the nipple already hard and straining against the cotton.

Bea gasps, putting her hand over Allie’s and pressing it closer to her breast, staring at Allie pleadingly. ”I’m supposed to be in the visitors centre in twenty minutes”, she says, not making any effort to move away. Allie had not wanted to assume anything would happen right this instant, but the suggestion that it might makes her get even wetter than she already is.

”I can be real quick”, Allie whispers and Bea just whimpers and licks back into Allie’s mouth.

Allie is usually very careful when she touches Bea, making sure to always be soft and gentle or letting Bea take the lead. But now, Bea is pulling Allie hard against her, her hands inside Allie’s shirt, her short nails digging into Allie’s flesh, not gently at all. She seems desperate for it, just as desperate as Allie is, and Allie is not going to keep either of them waiting another second.

Bea moans into Allie’s mouth and Allie answers by putting her left hand down Bea’s pants, palming her arse, a little rougher than she usually would. Bea gasps and melts and lets her mouth travel down Allie’s neck, her teeth scraping deliciously against Allie’s neck.

”Oh God”, Allie groans. ”Oh, fuck.” She spins them around, walking Bea backwards until her legs hits the edge of the bed. ”Can I take these off?” she asks, letting her hand grace the inside of the waistband on Bea’s pants.

”Yes. Yes”, Bea breathes, and they both help shove Bea’s pants and underwear down her legs.

Allie is on her knees in a second, wondering if this is what it feels like having a religious experience. Kneeling at the altar of Bea Smith.

Bea’s legs are slightly parted and Allie is on her knees between them, running her hands up and down Bea’s thighs. She could stare herself blind at Bea. She can see how wet she is, how flushed and ready. Allie’s mouth is watering, and the throbbing between her own legs intensifies to a maddening degree.

”You smell good”, she sighs, looking up at Bea, who is staring right back, her chest heaving and disbelief painted all over her face. They haven’t done this during the day before, with everyone outside the door still wide awake, still in daylight. Bea seems at the same time nervous and excited, and runs her fingers through Allie’s hair and down to her cheek.

Allie heart constricts with love. It’s almost painful. She rises and reaches for Bea, and they kiss, the frenzy pushed back for just a moment.

”God, I want to eat you up”, Allie whispers, her voice shaky and weak. ”Please, let me?”

Bea shivers and kisses down Allie’s cheek, letting her lips ghost over the shell of Allie’s ear, whispering her name like a prayer.

Allie tries to keep a lid on the intensity of her desire, so as not to scare Bea. She knows there are things that scare Bea in the context of sex, like pain and feeling restrained, and Allie does her best to keep her movements measured even though she is starting to feel like some kind of untamed animal. She is overwhelmed by a hunger that she knows will never be fulfilled as soon as she puts her mouth on Bea. She revels in the taste of Bea’s abundant arousal, that unique tang that has already become familiar to her, devouring Bea slowly, soaking in every moan and twitch of her hips.

Allie wants to tell Bea how good she tastes, how much she loves doing this, how much it means to her that she is allowed to get this close, that she knows that this isn’t something Bea gives easily.

Time doesn’t allow her to say any of that just now, though, but Allie does her best to show Bea it all by her actions.

All she wants is to please Bea, to be good to and for her. She wants to give Bea everything, erase every bad experience from the past, show her what sex is really supposed to be like, let her feel how much Allie wants her.

After no time at all, Bea grips the back of Allie’s head, pulling her harsher against her and Allie moans deeply and loses the last little bit of self-restraint she had left. They both need this, just as much. They are moving as one and the same, in perfect tandem. Allie gives it her all, making out with Bea’s cunt like it’s her last day on earth.

”Allie”, Bea sobs, her voice barely a whisper. Her legs are shaking so hard Allie has to hold them firmly in place. ”Oh. I… I, _oh_ , God, Allie I’m—”

And then Bea comes, and Allie can feel the tremors and contractions against her tongue and she, well she doesn’t come herself exactly, but she feels a hard throb deep inside her that leaves her so breathless she might as well have. This often happens when she feels Bea’s orgasm, it works her up to a degree that makes even the fabric of her underwear against her feel like a stimuli. She keeps kissing Bea softly until it’s over, lapping it all up, softly coaxing the last shivers of pleasure from her.

Bea is laying back on the bed, a hand covering her eyes, panting harshly. Allie grins and crawls into bed with her, helping her scoot higher, cradling her, rubbing soft circles over her sternum, loving the way the heart beats violently under her palm. Bea finally looks at her, she looks almost drugged and Allie bites her lip to suppress a self-satisfied grin from forming. Bea turns towards her, burying her face in Allie’s neck, hugging onto her so hard.

Allie would gladly stay like this for the rest of the day, but she knows they can’t. ”Babe. You gotta get ready to go see Franky.”

”I don’t think I can move”, Bea says, her voice muffled against Allie’s neck.

”Okay”, Allie chuckles, and kisses Bea’s head. She moves down to the end of the bed to gather Bea’s pants and underwear. ”New undies, I think”, she says with a smile, pleased to see the deep blush that appears on Bea’s cheeks. ”You can borrow some of mine.”

Bea scoots down to the edge of the bed, still looking shaky and completely overwhelmed. Allie kneels down again, helping Bea put her feet into the clean underwear. Bea looks at her with an unreadable expression.

”What?” Allie asks softly, as she lets Bea stand up, helping her pull her pants up, kissing the strip of exposed skin of her stomach.

”You’re being too sweet to me”, Bea murmurs, her finger trailing Allie’s forehead.

Allie smiles, and gets back up on her feet. ”That’s not possible”, she says, and kisses Bea softly, feeling Bea smile back against her mouth. ”Off you go. You’re probably already late.”

—

Bea’s knees are wobbly, and she she wants to hold on to the walls for support as she makes her way towards the visitors centre. She feels out of place walking around among other people, still feeling Allie’s touch all over her. It feels almost indecent, like she is walking around naked or something. Nobody seems to pay her any extra mind, though, which is good.

Bea expects Franky to read her like an open book and just know what she has been up to for the last little while, but to her intense relief Franky is unusually un-cheeky.

”What’s up?” Bea asks, sitting down after hugging Franky hello.

Franky scoots to sit as close as they are allowed. ”There are some good news. Luckily for us, our friend isn’t exactly a criminal mastermind.” Franky chuckles a little. ”It was easy to find the cracks when I started looking.”

”Good”, Bea sighs in relief. ”That’s great.”

”Yeah. Honestly, I can’t believe no one’s caught on to him. Seems to me like he’s an amateur trying to bite off a lot more than he can chew. But the crowd he’s mixed up in are some seriously scary people. Mob types. So no one can know we’re doing this.”

”You be careful”, Bea says.

”I am. I think it’s gonna work out. It won’t be long.”

Bea is surprised that things are moving so fast. She hadn’t expected this to be quite so easy. She supposes it helps that Mr. Stewart seems to be bad at his job on the side.

Franky really is unusually quiet, and it bothers Bea. ”What is it?” she asks.

Franky shifts in her seat, her gaze flickering away from Bea. ”I’ve found out some other things about him.”

”Like?”

”Apparently, he’s fucking Vinegar Tits.”

”You’re not serious”, Bea sighs.

”Believe me, I wish I was lying. The mental image!” Franky grimaces, feigning disgust.

There is something in Franky’s mannerisms, the way she holds herself and the way she isn’t quite meeting Bea’s eye, that bothers her. ”That’s not what you meant, though, was it?”

Franky sighs and shakes her head. ”I don’t know if I should tell you.”

”Don’t be ridiculous. Why not?”

Franky hesitates, ambivalence all over her face. ”You have to promise me not to lose your mind, yeah?”

”Franky, you’re starting to freak me out”, Bea says.

”I don’t mean to”, Franky says, looking softly at Bea. She moves even closer, and so does Bea. Franky takes Bea’s hands steadily into her own, her voice so quiet Bea has to strain in her seat to hear. ”A while back, someone transferred 90 000 dollars to his bank account. Seems like the money came from Ferguson.”

”You’re fucking kidding me”, Bea whispers, her ears starting to buzz unpleasantly. ”When?”

”The day before her trial.”

Bea feels like someone has just dumped a bucket of ice water right over her head. ”The day before Allie got hot-shotted”, she mumbles.

Franky nods, rubbing her thumbs over Bea’s knuckles.

So she was right. It _was_ a screw who helped the Freak get to Allie. Bea had nearly given up the thought of ever finding out what actually happened that day. She feels lightheaded and like she might be sick. But most of all, fucking furious.

”That son of a bitch!” Bea growls, trying to stand up, but Franky tightens her grip on her hands, keeping her in place.

”Keep calm, okay?” Franky whispers under her breath, her grip on Bea’s wrists so hard it hurts, but Bea barely registers it through the rush of rage in her brain. ”I can see what you’re thinking. Don’t do anything stupid.”

”Let go of me, Franky”, Bea hisses. ”I’m serious.” She doesn’t have a plan, but she needs to do something with all this anger and adrenaline coursing through her.

But Franky doesn’t let up, her grip is like iron. ”If you run off and do something to him, then what?” Franky whispers, glancing sideways, making sure no one is listening in. ”No one’s gonna believe you even if you tell them he hurt Allie, you know that. They might ship you off to some place even worse than this and then you’ll never see Allie again.” Franky looks at her pleadingly. ”I know that’s not what you want.”

Those words makes Bea snap out of it. The thought of losing Allie. She absolutely cannot bare that thought. It has been so close too many times. She won’t ever risk that, for any reason.

”I’m not gonna do anything to him”, Bea says.

”Good. I’m gonna hold you to that”, Franky says seriously. ”I mean it, not even a dirty look his way. We don’t want to tip him off that we’re on to him.”

”Yeah. You’re right.” Franky finally lets go of her, and Bea buries her face in her hands, inhaling deeply. ”I feel sick.”

Franky ruffles at Bea’s hair gently. ”You shouldn’t worry, Red. He’s done such a lousy job covering his tracks, the police are gonna have a field day with him. You just keep your head down and wait.”

”You think he had something to do with Jesper?” Bea asks, still leaning heavily on her hands.

”Yeah, probably something. The timing is right. So he might be dangerous, even though he’s dumb as a rock. So not a fucking wrong move, alright.”

”I’ll behave.” Franky gives her a penetrating stare. ”I promise.”

—

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking longer than usual with this. I tried to compensate with two chapters last week instead. :) How much time I have to write depends on how much I have to be away for work, so the posting is bound to be a bit irregular, like my hours.

—

”What happened?” Allie asks, her smile washed away the instant she sees Bea. She looks stricken, her face like ash.

”Are you alone?” Bea asks, looking around the unit.

”The others are outside. I was waiting for you.”

”It was fucking Mr. Stewart”, Bea hisses.

”What was?”

”He helped the Freak get to you. It was him.”

”Oh. _Shit_.”

Allie had pushed this thought from her mind. It had made her feel better to do so, and less paranoid. She had thought a lot about one of the screws potentially having it in for her when she first came back from hospital, but without evidence and no indication of it, she had been happy to stop thinking about it. There had been plenty of other things to worry about.

”Are you sure?”

”Pretty sure, yeah.” Bea sits down on Allie’s bed, taking her hand. ”Have you seen him do or say anything suspicious lately?” she asks urgently.

”No.” Allie racks her brain, but she comes up short. She haven’t interacted with him much at all since she gave him Kaz’s phone. Usually, she keeps away from the screws as much as possible, like most of the other women, and he has not been seeking her out. ”I can’t think of anything.”

”Nothing? No strange looks, anything like that?”

”No. No, he hasn’t done anything out of the ordinary that I’ve noticed. I don’t think I’ve seen him around much.”

Bea nods frantically. ”Good. That’s good.” She squeezes Allie’s hand.

Bea really is pale. Allie is reminded that out of the two of them, Bea was probably more traumatized by the attack on Allie. Allie can’t remember anything, she doesn’t have any haunting memories of it. Even her lungs have recovered. But it is very clear to her now that Bea has not gotten over what happened.

”Are you okay?” Allie asks, touching Bea’s cheek. The skin is cold and clammy.

”I’m fine”, Bea mumbles. ”We just have to wait. He’ll go down the next time he tries to bring something in here. Probably won’t be long.”

Allie knows Bea is trying to put on a brave facade for her benefit, which is almost a complete failure, but it’s endearing to Allie anyway. ”Hey”, she whispers, rubbing Bea’s shoulder. ”Don’t be afraid.”

”I am, though”, Bea admits, pain evident in her voice. ”Of anything that could hurt you.”

Maybe Allie ought to be freaked out too, but she isn’t. She is surprised by how calm she feels. When Bea is agitated, Allie feels herself get strong. It works the other way around too, one of them always calm and supportive when the other needs it. Allie has never experienced anything like it.

”I’m not. Not as long as I’m with you”, she assures Bea.

Something seems to break inside Bea then, and she tries to hold back a sob, but it just comes bubbling out of her. Her whole body starts to shake. ”I’m sorry”, she chokes, covering her mouth with her hand, clearly struggling to not break down completely. ”You shouldn’t rely on me like that. I can’t protect you. All I do is get you hurt.”

”Stop it”, Allie murmurs, trailing her fingers through the soft red curls that she loves so much. She used to see Bea as hard and invincible, but now she knows about the fear Bea is carrying around, that has been there since before they got together. She hadn’t know it at the time, but that fear was a big factor in why Bea tried to hold back and not get involved with Allie.

Allie had thought it was paranoia at first, but so many people have tried to fuck them over since they became a couple, and it has fueled that fear in Bea. Kaz, Ferguson, Mr. Stewart, Tina… They have all threatened to ruin everything, one way or another, and Allie is afraid Bea won’t be able to take much more of it. Allie can see how frail Bea is, when it comes to this. She has already lost so much, and Allie knows what it has cost her.

”If he wanted to do anything to us, he probably would have already. He’ll be gone soon.” Allie cradles Bea in her arms. ”He won’t know what hit him.”

”Yeah”, Bea breathes, sinking into Allie. She has stopped crying, but Allie suspects she has just stuffed it down under the surface again. Allie holds Bea for a long time, just sitting there, feeling Bea’s breath slow and intermingle with Allie’s.

”You want to go get some air?” Allie asks eventually. ”You look like you’d need it.”

Bea’s smile is bleak, but she takes Allie’s outstretched hand eagerly enough. ”That’d be good.”

—

Out in the yard, Kaz’s crew are playing basketball with some of the girls from G-block. It’s a beautiful day, the yard is stuffed with women standing and sitting gathered around in little groups. Bea and Allie settles beside Maxine and Boomer on one of the benches. The air is a little chilly despite the sun, and Bea scoots closer to Allie, who puts her arm around her, rubbing her shoulder to warm her up.

”And I was telling Maxie, I swear I felt a kick last night”, Boomer enthuses.

”Isn’t it a bit early for that?” Maxine asks.

”Probably just gas”, Allie jabs.

”You’re _so_ funny, aren’t you”, Boomer grumbles, and Allie and Maxine laugh. Bea really loves listening to Allie laugh, and she smiles too, but doesn’t have the energy to join the conversation. But she is very happy Allie fits in so well with her friends. But why wouldn’t she? Bea have never met anyone more lovable.

Boomer starts talking excitedly about the baby. Maxine looks so happy that Bea’s heart hurts for a moment. Allie asks all sorts of questions that cues Bea in to that Allie doesn’t know much about babies, but on the other hand, neither does Boomer or Maxine. Bea lets them chat without interrupting, she just rests her head against Allie’s shoulder, enjoying the closeness. She feels drained, her limbs are heavy and she is so, so tired.

”Hey. Sleepy head”, Allie whispers, and Bea startles a little. Did she actually fall asleep for a moment? ”I fancy a snack.” Allie eyes the booth that just opened. ”Want anything?”

”No, thanks. I’m good”, Bea replies, rubbing at her eyes.

”Get me some cookies, will you?” Boomer calls.

”Sure thing, Booms.” Allie hurries over the yard, managing to get in line before the floodgates opens.

Bea closes her eyes again, turning towards the sun, trying to relax a little. Like Allie suggested, some air was good for her, it makes her head feel clearer, but it doesn’t help with the sick feeling in her gut. She wishes she could take Allie by the hand and walk right through these walls, leaving everything else behind. But there is no escaping this place, and there never will be for Bea.

“Watch where you’re going, _slut_!” Tina shouts, and Bea’s eyes pop open as she turns towards the voice.

She sees Tina grab onto Allie’s wrist. Allie rips it away, telling Tina to fuck off and Tina snarls, leaning close to say something Bea can’t make out, dragging her finger over her own throat.

It’s a blatant threat, and Bea doesn’t have time to think or see Allie react to that before her own vision shrinks down and focuses and then she is charging, running full speed ahead towards Tina.

The collision between their bodies is so violent it almost knocks the wind out of Bea even though she is expecting it. They tumble to the ground, Tina is screaming something and Bea punches her, she doesn’t know how many times. She is barely aware of the cheers and yelling erupting in the background, of how hands are trying to pull her away from Tina, but to no avail. She just lets the punches rain, she grabs onto the collar of Tina’s shirt and shakes her, she presses her face down to the ground. Somewhere at the back of her mind, there’s a voice saying, _stop it, it’s enough,_ but she doesn’t listen.

Suddenly, she is lifted off of Tina, a tight grip around her arms. “Settle down, Smith!” Mr. Jackson shouts.

As the tunnel vision dissolves, Bea regards her surroundings in a daze. Her ears are ringing, she feels strangely removed from her body, it’s like her brain is embedded in cotton.

Allie and Maxine are being pushed away from Tina’s crew by Mr. Stewart and Ms. Miles. They both look okay, but both Kim and one of Tina’s new girls look a little worse for wear. Tina herself is moaning on the ground, covering her bloodied face with her hands. Kaz is shouting at Ms. Bennett who comes jogging on the other side of the fence.

How long did this take? It feels both like an eternity and a few seconds.

Mr. Jackson is already leading her away, a tight grip on Bea’s forearm. She doesn’t struggle. She feels her knuckles starting to ache and she looks down to them. They are covered in blood, she thinks both Tina’s and her own.

“Get Mercado to medical”, Ms. Bennett says to the officers following her. “Slot Smith.” The women are shouting things that Bea can’t really hear, she has no idea if they are hostile or supportive.

As she passes Allie and Maxine, Bea looks at Allie, her face a conundrum of shock and something else, and Bea finally wakes up.

”I’m sorry”, she says quietly to Allie as she is close, and she can see tears glistening in Allie’s eyes. Fuck. What has she done? Mr. Jackson doesn’t let her linger, but pulls her along and away.

—

”Are you going to tell me what that was all about?” Ms. Bennett demands. She is standing with her arms crossed and looking at Bea like a teacher would look at a very disappointing student.

Bea is sitting on the bed in the cell where she will most likely spend the next week. She turns her head away from Bennett and stares into the wall. She keeps her mouth firmly shut.

”Of course not”, Ms. Bennet sighs. ”Mercado is with the nurse. Apparently you cracked her nose, but other than that, it’s just substantial bruising.”

Bea doesn’t respond.

”You may face assault charges.”

Bea snorts. ”What does it matter? I’m never getting out of here anyway.”

Ms. Bennett sighs, and looks sympathetic. ”Look, Smith. I think I know why you did this to Mercado, and if you tell me that she is the one who attacked Novak then—”

”Just stop it, will you. What good did it do me last time I lagged? That’s why I’m in this mess. I’m not gonna make it even worse.”

Ms. Bennett blinks several times. ”What do you mean?”

”What I said. Why do you think I stepped down as top dog? One of your officers sold me out the first chance they got.”

”No, that’s not what happened. I didn’t tell anyone. Well, except—” Ms. Bennett seems to swallow the words, looking utterly confused.

”Except?” Bea stares at Ms. Bennett, unrelenting. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out it was Mr. Stewart who spilled the beans to Tina, now that she knows what those two are up to together.

Ms. Bennett looks shaken, like she gets it. Then she just turns, and walks out of the cell. Bea can hear her heels drumming angrily against the floor down the corridor.

No. Bea doesn’t give a fuck about facing charges. She doesn’t regret punching Tina in the face. It felt good to do it. Righteous. Like she should have done it a long time ago.

But she does feel very bad about betraying Allie’s trust. She did promise not to go after Tina, but in the end, she couldn’t help herself. When she saw Tina touching Allie, threatening her, her mind put her body on autopilot and did what needed to be done. She doesn’t think she could have stopped herself even if she had tried.

Bea wonders if that makes her a complete psycho.

She is scared that Allie will be disappointed and angry with her. She wishes she could talk to her and apologize again, explain to her what happened. Not that _”I couldn’t help myself”_ is a very good excuse. It sounds to her like something Harry would have said. Has she turned out just like him? Maybe that is the ultimate punishment for her crimes. She swallows a sob and buries her face in the pillow.

It’s going to be a long week, all alone with her thoughts.

—

After lock up, the crew of H1 gathers in the sofa, discussing the events of the afternoon. Neither of them seems that shook up about it, probably not unused to Bea getting slotted.

”Don’t think Tina or anyone else is gonna have the guts to mess with you now, eh”, Boomer says, looking content.

”I guess not”, Allie mutters.

”What’s up your bum?” Boomer frowns, clearly unable to understand Allie’s lack of enthusiasm. ”She defended you, didn’t she.”

”Yeah.” Allie knows it’t true, but she still feels inexplicably sad. Not just because Bea is gone and locked up in the slot, but because what happened worries her. Not because of the untamable anger and violence, Allie has always known it was there. Maybe it had even been part of the attraction early on. She had known very well the things Bea was capable of before getting close to her, and Allie isn’t exactly a pacifist herself. But the fact that Bea has yet again launched herself into a physical situation without any regard for her own safety worries Allie as much as it always does.

”You alright, love?” Maxine asks softly.

Allie nods. ”Want to go get some tea?” she murmurs, and Maxine follows, understanding that Allie wants to talk to her alone. ”You think she’s okay?” Allie asks as soon as they’re out of hearing.

”I think so. Hun, you have to understand that it was just a matter of time”, Maxine whispers. ”I was impressed she was able to hold off for this long. Tina really had it coming.”

”I know. I just don’t want Bea to get in trouble because of me. Or get hurt.”

”I don’t think you have to worry about that. Tina didn’t even get one punch in.” Maxine looks at Allie softly, and takes Allie’s hand between hers. ”You know what? I think this was to our benefit. I doubt anyone will go after Bea now. She showed everyone that she’s just as strong as she ever was, and what happens to someone who go after the people she loves.” Maxine sounds optimistic and Allie tries to catch on to that feeling. ”And you and I got our feet wet, too. We’re not as bad off anymore. We can put up a fight if we need to.”

When Bea had tackled Tina to the ground, Tina’s crew had tried to pull Bea off of her, but Allie and Maxine had been almost as fast. Allie had hurled Kim away by the hair and kicked her legs out from under her, and Maxine had gotten a few punches in with some of the other girls.

Maybe this was good, maybe now they will be left alone. Allie dares to hope.

”You need a hug?” Maxine asks.

Allie chuckles tiredly and opens her arms. ”Bring it on.”

—


	22. Chapter 22

—

Bea has always disliked the slot, but this time she loathes it with every fiber of her being. She feels so completely confined, so cut off. She hasn’t experienced this kind of frustration and claustrophobia in years, not since she first got locked up and couldn’t contact Debbie. She reckons it has to do with finally having someone on the outside of this godforsaken cell to truly long for.

Time moves at a glacial pace. Bea organizes her days after her meals. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. She eats slowly to make it last as long as she can. There is nothing else to do except work out and think. Bea wants to avoid the second option as much as possible, so she does push ups like a woman possessed. She does all sorts of exercises, even putting some strain on her abs, until her muscles ache and she is exhausted.

The only things that break up the monotony is her daily airing and a shower every other day. She asks to see Doreen, to get an update on things. She is concerned that Tina and her crew might try to retaliate against Allie.

Seeing a friendly face lifts Bea’s spirits a little and soothes the worst of her worries.

”Tina’s still in medical. Her crew never does anything without her. But we’re keeping an extra eye on Allie.”

”Thank you.” Bea sighs in relief. ”Do you think she’s mad at me?” she asks, chewing at her lip nervously.

Doreen smiles a knowing smile and shakes her head. ”Doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes she looks like someone just kicked her puppy. I think she really misses you.”

Bea feels her chest tighten at the thought. ”Will you tell her I’m sorry, though?” Bea asks.

”Sure”, Doreen says and squeezes Bea’s shoulder.

—

Sometimes it’s hard to sleep, despite all the physical exhaustion. Bea misses Allie so much. She feels cold and lonely, and she dreams of Allie all the time. It’s so realistic, she can actually feel Allie’s soft skin and hear her breathe and she wakes up wet and needy in the middle of the night. She feels embarrassed, even though she is alone. Nothing like this has ever happened to her before. It’s like her body is a completely different entity than it was before she met Allie. It’s living it’s own life that Bea cannot control with conscious thought. Bea imagines Allie as the Moon, controlling the tide inside Bea, without even being visible.

When she wakes up in a state of intense arousal for the third time in as many nights, Bea relents and pulls the blanket over her head and pushes her hand down her pants. She tries to stay as still as possible so she won’t give herself away to the camera. She gets herself off quickly when she imagines it’s Allie’s skilled fingers touching her.

It doesn’t even help that much, except taking the edge off for a bit. She still longs for Allie’s nearness so much that her whole body aches. She groans into the pillow in frustration.

—

On the fifth day, Bea wakes up from a nap with a start when a door slams shut. She is about to doze off again when she is disturbed by a scratching sound. She stretches her body sleepily, looking around, trying to locate the source. It’s coming from the vent.

”Bea? You in there?”

Bea would know that voice anywhere. She sits up ramrod straight in the bed, then scrambles to the floor, kneeling by the small outlet in the wall.

”Allie?”

”Hi.”

Bea feels a rush go through her body, a mix of disbelief and confusion. ”What are you doing in here? What happened?”

”Calm down”, Allie chuckles. ”Nothing happened.” She pauses for a moment. ”I just missed you.”

It takes Bea a while to wrap her head around the meaning of what Allie just said. ”You mean got yourself thrown in the slot because you _missed me_?”

”You make it sound so dramatic.” Allie sounds a little sheepish. ”I persuaded Smiles to get me in here. Told her she could tell people I called her a cunt-face or something. She did it for just a fifty. I could have just said it for real and saved the money, but I wanted to make sure I got in the cell next to yours.”

”Allie. That’s crazy.”

”I was going crazy without you, that’s for sure.”

”You shouldn’t do things like that. She’ll have to file a report. It could affect your parole!”

”I don’t care about that”, Allie says dismissively. ”I reckoned you’d be lonely and bored in here. I just wanted to come and see you. Or at least talk to you.”

Allie’s voice is soft and slightly tinted with insecurity. Bea’s finally dismisses her reservations and lets her heart melt in her chest. Allie’s actions are reckless, but oddly sweet. Is Allie really willing to get locked up in the slot just to keep her company? No one has ever done anything remotely similar for her.

”Is it completely messed up that that’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me?” Bea murmurs.

”Prison really gives you a warped sense of romance, doesn’t it”, Allie says, sounding relieved. Bea can hear the grin in her voice.

Bea laughs for the first time in five days. It feels so good. She can’t help but press her hand against the outlet in an impulse to touch something close to Allie.

”Fuck, it’s great to hear your voice”, Allie sighs.

”Yeah. I’ve missed you so much.” Bea strokes her finger over the metal of the vent. She can hear how Allie ruffles around on the other side of the wall, probably getting more comfortable on the floor. ”You’re not angry at me?” Bea asks tentatively.

”No. I get why you did it. But I got so scared when Tina’s crew came running towards you. I’m glad Maxine and I were close enough to keep them off you.”

”I didn’t mean to involve either of you”, Bea says regretfully. ”I didn’t think about anything but getting Tina. I think I lost my mind for a while there.”

”I know. Just be more careful, please?”

”I’m sorry, Allie. When I saw her threatening you, I just couldn’t—”

”Hey. It’s okay.”

Bea hesitates a little before continuing. ”I don’t know if I would have stopped if someone hadn’t pulled me off of her.”

”You would have”, Allie says firmly. ”And she is fine, just bruised up. Don’t feel bad for her.”

”I don’t. It’s just…” Bea struggles to put what she has been feeling into words. About the way prison has changed her. It’s been eating at her for so long, ever since she jammed that pen into Jac’s neck. ”Sometimes I think about the person I used to be… I’ve done so many things I never thought I would.”

”Is that all bad, though?”

Bea considers that for a few moments. ”Maybe not. I don’t know. I do know that the old me would be horrified by the new me.”

”You’re way too hard on yourself, you know that? That’s why I don’t get angry at you, I know you’ll beat yourself up, and I’m sure as shit not going to help you.”

”You’re way too good to me”, Bea says quietly.

”Bullshit”, Allie murmurs. ”Sometimes you act like me being nice to you is some kind of chore, when it’s so not. I’m not an expert, but I reckon a relationship ought to be about being kind to the one you love. Like you always are to me.”

Bea feels her eyes unexpectedly well up with tears. She feels both incredibly grateful for what she has got now with Allie, and deeply saddened about the past. ”I guess I’m still not used to it.”

”I know that. It’s my new mission in life to get you used to it.”

”Sounds good to me”, Bea replies, smiling and leaning her head against the wall. She wipes her nose on her sleeve. ”It means a lot to me that you came”, she whispers. ”Thank you.”

”You’re welcome. Though I have to admit it was maybe fifty percent about you and fifty percent about me not being able to function without you for another minute.”

Bea smiles so wide her cheeks hurt. ”I’ll take it either way.”

—

Bea tells Allie about the last five days, which for obvious reasons doesn’t take very long. She asks about Allie’s week and Allie makes her laugh when she laments it as horrible and boring, filled with moping about being lonely.

”I’ve been completely pathetic”, Allie says. ”I feel sorry for your crew. But I have to say, getting cut off from you was like a shock to the system. In more ways than one.”

Bea smiles and feels her cheeks grow hot. It’s obvious from the tone of her voice that Allie is talking about sex. ”Really?” she asks, unable to let the go of the innuendo.

”God, yeah. I haven’t been able to sleep most nights.”

”Me neither. But when I did, I dreamt of you.”

”You did? What did you dream?” Allie asks suggestively.

”Just…” Bea still isn’t bold enough to come right out and say it. ”Well, you know.”

”I can imagine.” Bea can envision the grin Allie is wearing right now.

”I’m sure you can”, Bea says, her voice huskier than intended.

Allie groans. ”Sometimes I _really_ hate prison.”

Bea chuckles. ”Only sometimes?”

”Well, like I’ve said before, this is practically paradise for me. But only when I get to be with you without a wall between us.”

Bea wonders, not for the first time, how low Allie must have been since she is still kind of satisfied with the prison life. She doesn’t think she can even begin to imagine what it’s like to have so little that this place is an upgrade.

”What was it like for you out there?” she asks. Allie told her a lot the first time they were in the slot together, about her father throwing her out of the house several times for being a lesbian, and how that led to prostitution and addiction.

”The last year before I got clean was the worst. I was high out of my mind most of the time, sometimes I didn’t know where I’d been or with whom. The only decent days were when I came to the shelter and saw Kaz. She was the only person who made me feel like a human at that point.”

”How did it get that bad?”

Allie sighs. ”It’s kind of a long story.”

”I’ve got nothing but time”, Bea says softy. ”If you want to talk about it.”

”I do… I just don’t want you to get put off me, that’s all.”

Bea wants to laugh out loud at the mere suggestion, but she can hear that Allie is actually concerned. ”Don’t you know by now that there’s nothing that could put me off you?”

”Really?” Allie’s voice sounds small.

”How about this? I wasn’t even truly put off you even when I thought you’d tried to have me killed.”

”Wow.” Allie laughs in disbelief. ”I thought you hated me then.”

”Oh, I tried. I really tried, but it didn’t work.”

”Because you were in love with me”, Allie says brightly.

”Yes, Captain Obvious”, Bea snarks. ”I still am, more and more everyday”, she adds softly.

”I’m really hating on this wall right now”, Allie murmurs and there is a scratching sound coming from the other side of the wall.

”Me too.” Bea drags her finger across the vent again, letting her nail rasp against the metal in response to the scratching from Allie. She would give anything to touch Allie right now. Just being able to hold hands through the outlet would do.

”So…” Allie sighs and sounds like she is bracing herself. ”It got that bad because of lots of reasons. It was like a slow climb downward. I’d been scraping by for years since my dad kicked me out the last time. I was clean for a few months, but I was still homeless, and it was hard getting a job because I didn’t have an address or any real experience. So I was staying with some friends. Most of the people I knew were other addicts so, you know… One thing led to another and I got hooked again. It wasn’t the first time I got back on it after trying to stop, so I just did what I always did. Went back to using, started working on the street again. I guess I felt like I’d fucked up one last time, and things got worse than ever. I started injecting, I had avoided that before, but I thought there wasn’t any point in holding back anymore. I doubt I’d be alive today if I’d kept it up.”

Bea draws a deep breath, feeling her eyes brim up with tears again. ”What changed?”

”One night there was this client. They can get rough and mean sometimes, but mostly I’d been able to manage. But he was different. He was the kind of arsehole that gets off on hurting women. My pimp knew what kind of guy he was but he still set me up with him. Found out later he’d hurt a few other girls.”

Bea feels herself stiffen and the tears spill out over her cheeks. She is glad Allie can’t see her. ”Fuck, Allie…” she says weakly.

”It’s okay. I’m fine.” Allie sounds surprisingly calm and kept together. ”So I was completely messed up after, and I didn’t have anywhere to go, so I went to the shelter where Kaz was working. She got me to hospital and called the police and everything, and they were like, _’These things happen in your profession, love’_.”

”Those fucking arseholes!” Bea feels sick thinking about the way Allie had been treated and wishes more than ever that she could reach out and touch her.

”I wasn’t surprised. They never do anything. I felt like a useless piece of shit. But Kaz was fucking livid. She took me home, cleaned me up and let me stay with her. I got off the gear and got so sick, worse than I’d ever been before, but I managed to get through the first few days. Then Kaz told me about a group she’d founded, that was about seeking real justice for women who had been abused, like me. She told me how she had been inspired to finally do something after reading about a woman who single-handedly escaped from prison to exact revenge on the man who killed her daughter.”

Bea swallows. She had known all about being and inspiration to the Red Right Hand, but they have never talked about in any detail about what that meant for Allie.

”And I thought, even though I was so sick I thought I’d die if I didn’t get a hit, this woman has been through so much worse than I have. She’s lost her kid. Yet she’s strong, she did everything it took, and more. And it helped me pull myself together.”

”Allie…”

”When I got better, we found the guy who raped me, and I kicked the shit out of him, and my pimp. Let them know what would happen if they ever hurt another woman again. And it made me feel better. It made me feel like I took back a part of myself I didn’t even know I’d lost.” Allie takes a shuddering breath. ”So you see, just the thought of you got me through it.”

”But you didn’t even know me.”

”I knew of you, and that was enough.”

Bea blinks in silence. There is so much to take in. ”Why me, though?”

”Timing, I guess. I needed something to motivate me to survive, and you were it.”

”I’m glad if what I did helped you, but… I’m not someone to look up to. I’m nothing but a murderer,” Bea whispers.

”Don’t say that. You’re so much more than that”, Allie says with the utmost conviction. ”You’re everything to me.”

Bea wipes her cheeks as the tears drips down. Both because of everything Allie just told her, about the pain she had to endure and the fact that Bea can’t crawl through the wall and hold her tight. Also because of the shame of her crimes that she carries with her everywhere, all the time.

”Gone off me yet?” Allie asks, sounding like she is joking but her tone is laced with seriousness.

”No, of course not”, Bea replies honestly. 

Bea thinks she can hear Allie release a sigh of relief. ”That’s good. I was kind of afraid you would think I was some crazy stalker.”

Bea snorts with laughter and sniffles. ”Oh, please. You tried to go down on me basically the first time we spoke. I already know you’re a crazy stalker.”

Allie bursts out laughing too and it’s like a switch, it lights up Bea’s dark cell and her heart. ”You’re the one who stepped in to my shower stall, naked. Can’t blame a girl for being confused.”

—

 


	23. Chapter 23

—

”Are you okay?” Bea asks from the other side of the wall.

”Yeah. Why do you ask?”

”Just, with everything you told me.” Bea’s voice is soft, like a caress. Allie can almost feel it.

”I’m fine. I talked a lot about it when it happened, kind of took the power out of it. All of the women in RRH had experiences with abuse, so it was a bit like group therapy. It made me deal with all the shit that had happened to me over the years, that I’d sort of pushed aside and drowned away with drugs. Maybe in retrospect, it wasn’t the _best_ kind of therapy, but it worked for me.”

”That’s good.” There is a pause, and just when Allie thinks Bea might not say anything else, she starts again. ”I never talked to anyone. About Harry, I mean. Maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so out of hand if I’d just been able to. But I guess I would have been to scared too say anything even if there had been someone.”

”I’m so sorry, Bea.” It’s all she can say.

”I wish I’d met you on the outside”, Bea murmurs. ”Before all this.”

”You think you’d have liked me outside?” Allie asks, unable to hide her disbelief.

”Of course I do”, Bea replies, sounding just as incredulous as Allie feels. ”You sound surprised.”

”Um… Yeah. I guess I am, a little.”

”Why?”

”Because things are different in here. You honestly think you’d look twice at someone like me?”

Bea is again quiet for long moments. ”You think this is just some gate-gay thing?” she asks, hurt evident in her voice. ”That it’s not real for me?”

”No, that’s not what I’m saying at all”, Allie assures quickly. She sighs and rubs her brow. Maybe she is being silly, but thinking about herself and Bea meeting in the real world depresses her, because she doesn’t honestly believe she’d have a chance in hell. She isn’t deluded. It’s for the grace of being in prison that she ever got this. ”I’m just saying, I was homeless. A prostitute on drugs. There’s no way you would have wanted to be with someone like me, regardless of sexuality or anything like that. Can you imagine bringing me home to see Debbie and showing me off as some kind of role model to her? You would have run in the opposite direction.”

”I wouldn’t have wanted to be with you if you’d been using. That’s true.” Bea’s voice is calm and steady. She doesn’t sound hurt anymore. ”But if I’d met you the way you are now, sober and just the most wonderful person… I wouldn’t have been able to help myself from falling head over heels for you.”

”You honestly think so?” Allie asks, feeling a violent burst of adoration for Bea leaping through her chest.

”Yeah. I really do. If I’d gotten out of the house long enough to actually meet anyone”, Bea says in a self-deprecating tone.

Allie chuckles. ”There is that.”

—

After dinner, Allie pulls down the duvet and pillow to the floor by the vent. ”I’d forgotten how bloody cold it gets in here. I’m freezing my arse off.”

”Me too. I wish you could come warm me up”, Bea says.

”Hell yes to that! What you think that’d cost us?”

Bea laughs. ”More than we’ve got. Even Smiles has got her limits.”

”We’ll be out soon. Then I’ll get you so hot you’ll forget you’ve ever been cold in your life”, Allie says suggestively.

There is a pause, and Allie is pretty sure Bea is blushing and looking for something to say. ”I’m warmer already”, Bea murmurs, her voice huskier than usual.

”Don’t get me going”, Allie whispers. ”I would love to just run with it but there are cameras here, as you know.”

”You started it.” The playfulness in Bea’s voice makes Allie grin like an idiot.

”I know. And I’m counting on you to stop it. You’re the one with self-restraint.”

”I am?” Bea laughs.

”Aren’t you? It’s not me, that’s for sure.”

”I don’t know… When I’m around you, maybe this sounds stupid, but I sometimes I feel like I’m just a few steps away from losing my mind.”

Allie smiles, enjoying the thought of affecting Bea that much. ”You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

”It’s not. It was a bit scary at first, because I didn’t know what to do with myself. But it’s definitely a good thing.”

—

The next morning, they are both set up outside their respective cells. It takes superhuman effort on Bea’s part not to run over to Allie, but she is afraid it’s going to result in more time locked up. They just stare longingly at each other. Allie’s pretend offense is a minor one, and only earned her 24 hours in the slot.

They both try not to flinch when they see that it’s Jake Stewart coming to escort Allie back to H-block.

”I’ll see you soon, yeah?” Allie whispers when she passes Bea.

”See you”, Bea replies so quietly she isn’t even sure Allie can hear her. She is afraid to draw any unnecessary attention to them when he is around. She lets her gaze follow them until Allie disappears behind the massive door.

She knows the next few days will be even longer than the ones that came before.

—

When Bea finally, _finally_ gets out of the slot after a torturously slow last few days and returns to H1, she feels like she could do a jig, she is so happy.

Her overall giddiness is enhanced by the way Allie just drops her book unceremoniously to the floor, jumps off the couch and comes to meet her with a smile so big it shrinks everything else around her. Allie hugs her onto her hard for a long time, and then proceeds to kiss her breathless in front of everyone.

”Get a room!” Boomer shouts, and Bea doesn’t mind any of it, the public kissing or the teasing, she is so over the moon to be back. She just laughs and hugs Liz and Maxine when they come to greet her.

”It was a while ago anyone kissed me like that”, Sonia says dryly, when Bea and Allie join her and Boomer on the sofa.

”I bet you could find someone who’ll snog you if you want”, Boomer says generously and Allie starts to laugh.

”Ah. Thank you, Susan”, Sonia drawls. ”That’s very sweet of you”, she adds, patting Boomer on the hand.

Allie drags Bea down to sit on her lap, and Bea allows it, enjoying the way Allie circles her arms around her body, holding her softly in place.

”So, how are things?” she asks her crew.

”It’s been very slow, hasn’t it”, Liz says, looking at the others.

”Tina’s been out of commission most of the week”, Maxine adds.

”Yeah. I think she’s learned her lesson not to mess with us, Bea. She looks like a walking eggplant, eh?” Boomer snickers.

Bea nods and listens to their updates, but as expected she is distracted by Allie’s arms around her and Allie’s cheek resting against her side. She wonders if she is forever doomed to not be able to hold a up conversation when Allie is close, and decides that she couldn’t care less if that’s the case.

When it time for their evening tea, Bea stands next to Liz, preparing a few snacks for everyone. Liz tries to shoo her away, insisting she can manage on her own.

”I know you can, Liz. It’s just nice to do something after being in the slot for so long.”

”I understand that, love”, Liz says and pats Bea’s arm. They both turn around, hearing Boomer shout and Allie laugh over a game of cards. ”Allie is such a sweet girl.”

”She is”, Bea murmurs.

Liz looks at her, a look so well intentioned Bea is moved by it’s intensity. ”She thinks the world of you, you know.”

”Not sure how that happened”, Bea jokes, trying to diffuse the tension.

Liz is not having it. She puts both her hands on each of Bea’s shoulders, staring at her softly. ”You’re a good person, and you’ve suffered enough”, she says firmly. ”You deserve this.”

—

Bea feels her body grow heavy on top of Allie’s. They’re still fully clothed and just the weight of Bea on top of Allie seems to wake something up in both of them. Entirely starved for physical contact for over a week, Bea feels herself completely overtaken with the feeling of just laying heart to heart like this, feeling Allie warm and so alive underneath her. Allie’s fingers are in her hair, pulling her head this way and that, guiding their kisses, whimpering when they deepen.

It’s slow and unhurried. They’ve got time. They’re both squirming and rocking against each other, but slowly, savoring each movement of their bodies. Allie’s shirt rides up a little, and the exposed skin of her stomach comes in contact with Bea’s. Feeling Allie’s hot skin against hers sends a powerful jolt through Bea’s body and they both gasp.

Bea’s desire flares, an all encompassing flame, untamable. She sees the same happen in Allie, and all of a sudden it’s like they have no time left at all. Bea pushes Allie’s t-shirt upwards and over her head, making quick work of her bra.

”You’re getting good at that”, Allie laughs breathlessly as she falls back onto the mattress.

Bea doesn’t reply, she just stares at Allie, at her breasts and her skin, already a little flushed. She could drown in all this beauty, didn’t know it was possible to have such a physical reaction while just looking at another person before. ”Please”, she mumbles incoherently, as she starts to kiss her way along Allies neck down to her chest. ”Let me have you.”

”God”, Allie moans when Bea palms one of her breasts roughly and starts to nibble at the other. ”You don’t even have to ask. You can have whatever you want. As long as you get this shirt off.” She pulls ineffectively at the hem of Bea’s top.

Bea wastes no time, she just rips her shirts off over her head, unfastening her own bra in the process. She doesn’t give Allie a chance to look or touch, she just works her way downward, dragging Allie’s pants and underwear down her legs. She can smell Allie’s arousal and it does funny things to her brain. She can’t wait to feel.

”Jesus”, she gasps when her fingers slips through the copious wetness between Allie’s legs. She has to look up and see Allie’s face, her blue eyes dark and hooded with lust.

Allie smiles without a trace of embarrassment. ”I’ve been waiting for you”, she whispers, shivering as Bea explores her lightly. ”I mean it”, she says, looking intently at Bea.

As usual, it takes Bea a while to understand what Allie is getting at. ”You mean you haven’t… at _all_?” Being familiar with Allie’s libido, it doesn’t seem possible that she has abstained when Bea was gone.

”Well, not the _whole_ time”, Allie admits. ”But not since the slot. I thought it would be better if I waited. I think I was right”, she gasps when Bea lightly rubs the pads of her fingers over Allie’s clit. ”Oh, _fuck_.”

”I guess you’re the one with the self-restraint, after all”, Bea murmurs, already getting lost in the feeling of Allie underneath her hand.

Allie is much quicker on the uptake. Her eyes widen. ”No… You didn’t? In the slot?” Allie pants, her hips chasing Bea’s teasingly elusive fingers.

Bea blushes and nods. She feels brave when she’s got Allie like this, her body begging to be touched. ”Once before you got there, and… twice after you left. I couldn’t help myself.”

”Bea. That’s fucking dirty”, Allie says pointedly and looks absolutely delighted, and even more flushed. ”What did you think about?”

”Well…” Bea stumbles on the words. ”You.”

”I bloody well hope so”, Allie laughs breathlessly, letting her nails tease lightly over Bea’s back. ”Specifics please.”

It’s like Allie knows Bea will relent and tell her. She bites gently at Bea’s earlobe and soothes the bite mark with her tongue. Bea shudders all the way down to her core.

”I thought about your fingers”, she whispers, looking shyly at Allie, who gasps and shudders at the words. Bea can feel the wetness seeping through her own fingers. It makes her bolder to know how much Allie is enjoying hearing her talk. ”Your mouth. This”, she murmurs, pressing two digits inside without effort.

Allie moans and her hips meet Bea halfway. ”S-show me. Show me what you thought about.” Allie kisses Bea almost frantically and Bea can’t help but smile at her impatience. Bea can feel Allie’s body trembling with anticipation. She pulls almost all the way out, and then pushes inside again, hard but slow, as deep as she can go. Being enveloped by Allie like this always makes Bea feel dizzy and overtaken by a need to give Allie everything she’s got.

Bea always knows that she is on the right track when Allie stops talking and just surrenders to sensation, and that happens right away this time. It’s the best power trip Bea has ever been on, to render Allie a speechless, quivering mess underneath her hands. Allie throws her leg up on Bea’s hip, allowing Bea to sink deeper still.

Allie might not be talking, but she is making a lot of noise. Somewhere in the back of Bea’s mind, she is aware that the others might hear, but it’s just so beautiful, such a wonderful thing to behold watching Allie completely out of control of her own reactions, allowing Bea to take her apart.

”I love you”, Bea whispers. ”You’re so beautiful.”

Allie gasps and clenches. ”More”, she moans and Bea slips in another finger and Allie is so wet it barely takes any pressure at all, but Allie still has to muffle a loud cry against Bea’s shoulder.

The more Bea learns about what Allie likes, the more she wants to know. She flexes her fingers, moves faster then slows down, greedily eating up all of Allie’s reactions and her pleasure like it’s her own. Allie grasps her so hard, pulling her closer, urging her on. It’s like they’re both burning up, their skin so hot it’s scorching. Bea feels like they’ve been going at it for hours, and she wishes it would never end, that she could drag it out forever.

But she can’t, not when she feels Allie start to quiver and shake beneath her. Allie opens her eyes, looking at Bea, her eyes feverish and desperate. ”Take it. It’s yours…” Allie gasps, her voice a mere whisper. Bea gives up then, and gives them exactly what they both need.

—


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to everyone who is reading and taking time to comment on this fic, it really means a lot to me and helps keeping me motivated. You guys are awesome!
> 
> An extra shout-out to yuriandtea who made some beautiful fanart for chapter 13. Check it out! http://yuriandtea.tumblr.com/post/153532891437/

—

Afterward, while Allie recovers, Bea takes in the entire image of Allie, panting, with a fine sheen of sweat covering her body. She still can’t quite believe she gets to witness this, to be the cause of it. Bea presses herself as close as she can, burying her face in Allie’s neck, feeling Allie’s pulse slow down and her breathing even out.

”Allie?” she murmurs eventually, already feeling silly because of the question she is about to ask, but knowing Allie won’t judge. ”Is it really good like that?”

Sometimes, she feels like a dumb, clueless kid. But Allie never makes her feel stupid. It has gotten a lot easier for Bea to talk about these things with Allie without being afraid she’ll get turned off. She even feels the need to talk, to ask questions. There are so many things she doesn’t know, old as she is.

Allie just bubbles with laughter, kissing Bea’s fingers and glancing sweetly at her. ”Ah, yeah. It was fucking amazing. Couldn’t you tell?”

”I could.” Bea smiles, but nibbles the inside of her own cheek nervously. ”I just… I never liked that.”

”What? Penetration?”

Bea nods. ”I barely knew there was any other kind of sex. And it was always just… unpleasant.” Bea almost laughs at the understatement. She has tried it herself a few times recently, but just to make sure it doesn’t hurt and not much else.

”Well, you don't have to like it”, Allie says softly. ”You like what you like no matter the reason. I always thought that one of the best thing about being gay is that you don’t have to follow any bullshit rules about what sex is supposed to be like. You can do whatever you want, it doesn’t have to be this _one_ thing.”

Bea has thought about that a little. What they do together, she had no preconceived notions about it, what it would entail. That makes her feel free in a way. They make each other feel good, and that’s the point of it all - which is a far cry from her experiences in her marriage. ”But you seem to like it”, Bea presses. The fact is, Bea is blown away by how much Allie seems to enjoy it. It intrigues her and makes her curious, and if she is honest, makes her want to experience it for herself.

”I do. Because you’re _so fucking good_ at it”, Allie whispers and Bea feels her neck and cheeks heat up from the praise. ”But that’s with you. It all depends on the person and the situation.”

Bea nods in understanding. She never would have imagined that she and Allie could have a similar outlook on sex when they first met. Allie had seemed so confident and comfortable in her own skin, and that hasn’t changed, but when Bea first got clued in that they shared kindred experiences, when Allie talked to her about her own past for the first time in the mess hall, she had felt a true connection. An understanding that she hadn’t ever shared with anyone else before.

”I’m really beginning to understand what you meant when you said that good sex is in here”, Bea says and taps her temple.

”You remember that?”

”How could I forget? I thought a lot about it.”

Allie grins, and rolls over from her back to lay halfway on top of Bea, who shivers pleasantly from the skin on skin contact. ”I’m starting to suspect you may have liked me a bit earlier than I realized”, she muses.

”Might’ve”, Bea replies with a smile of her own.

Allie kisses her then, the sort of kiss that makes Bea feel it all, all the tenderness and all the burning passion. She winds her arms around Allie’s neck, pulling her as close as possible. Her arousal comes roaring back, and when Allie slips her thigh between Bea’s legs, Bea can’t stop herself from grinding against it, trying to soothe the insistent throbbing that is driving her wild.

”Oh my God”, Allie moans, and grasps at Bea’s arse to press her even closer, moving her thigh slow and firm while teasing a nipple with her other hand. ”You’re so fucking sexy.”

Bea has longed for this, ached for it alone in the slot. Wanting nothing more than to get this again, Allie all over her and not letting up for a second.

”Tell me what you want”, Allie husks, while nipping at Bea’s neck, while moving her thigh tortuously slow and deliberate. ”Anything.”

”Your mouth”, Bea whispers, inhibitions completely overrun with this pulsing need that doesn’t allow her to think of anything else.

Allie grins wickedly, running one hand up and down Bea’s side. ”You like that, huh?”

Bea nods frantically, kissing Allie. ”Yes”, she whispers.

”What do you like about it?”

Bea squirms, trying to get closer. ”The way you do it. Like you really enjoy it.”

”Enjoy doesn’t even begin to cover it”, Allie groans, letting her mouth travel to Bea’s breast. ”I fucking love it. I love the way you taste. Everything about it. It’s the best thing in the world.”

Bea knows this, because she has felt the hunger in Allie, which is so exciting to Bea because it’s a hunger for her pleasure, nothing else. And she loves hearing Allie tell her about it, too. There are so many doors opening up for her, almost every time they are together like this she learns something new, and it’s overwhelming at times, but mostly exhilarating.

As if a flip is switched, frenzy overtakes them both. Allie starts to kiss her way down Bea’s body, nipping and sucking wherever she can, and Bea buries her fingers in Allie’s hair, canting her pelvis to meet her, letting Allie drag her underwear down her legs. She holds her breath, taking in every detail about the way Allie grips her hips and throws one leg over her shoulder and starts to devour her.

It's like being gently kissed and passionately ravished at the same time. Allie just gives her everything and God, she went without this for a week…

No.

Her whole life.

Bea undulates her hips in time with Allie’s movements, chasing every little sensation she can grab ahold of. There is nothing here but pleasure, nothing but love. She wants with every fiber of her being.

"Oh, please, Allie, just…” she pants desperately.

”Please what?” Allie lifts her head long enough to ask before leaning back down again. ”Tell me.”

"I don't know”, Bea moans, but she does know. ”Just… just more." She takes Allie’s hand that is clutching her hip and pushes it downward. Allie looks up at her, comprehension on her face. She positions one finger, teasing Bea lightly, sending pleasant shivers up through Bea’s nerves, then looking up at Bea again, a silent question on her features. ”Yes”, Bea whispers, giving permission, wanting more than anything to feel Allie move inside.

A single digit, gently rubbing inside her, while Allie teases her with her lips and tongue. It’s like a perfect harmony of movements, creating pleasure that is beyond comprehension. It's building, she is already losing herself to it, suddenly hearing herself emitting sounds she didn't know she was capable of. She clasps her hand over her mouth to silence a shriek when Allie pushes deeper. She blindly seeks out Allie’s other hand, indelicately grasping at her fingers, wanting to hold on to her somehow.

She is brimming with pleasure, and it doesn’t take long for it to spill over the edges.

She whites out, she is swallowed by the sensations. She comes and comes, wave after wave. She is washed away with the pleasure pulsing through her. Allie just keeps going relentlessly and Bea starts spasming again just when she thinks she is done, her muscles clinging to Allie’s finger. She thinks she screams into her hand, but she isn’t even sure. She feels like her mind is floating somewhere high above her body.

When she is finally able to breathe normally, she looks down at Allie and pulls at her weakly, dragging her upward so they can kiss.

”I could go down on you for hours”, Allie pants, kissing Bea, letting her taste herself. Bea whimpers, her tongue swiping across Allie’s bottom lip. Allie is shaking slightly, like she usually does after making Bea come. She flutters her finger, still inside Bea, making Bea gasp and her hips jump. ”Baby”, Allie moans and moves her finger again. Bea is getting worked up, and how the hell is this happening, _again_? How can she want it so much?

Allie scrambles down the bed again, and bends back down and makes Bea come once more with just a few flicks of her tongue and a wiggle of her fingertip deep within. It isn’t at all as intense as the previous ones, but the gentleness of it makes Bea’s spine quake.

—

The next morning, they are met with amused looks from everyone in the unit. Bea pretends like it’s nothing, avoiding meaningful glances from Maxine and Doreen. She thinks she might be getting away with it when she hears Boomer’s amused voice.

”Enjoyed yourself last night, did you, eh Allie?” Of course, Boomer wouldn’t be able to keep her trap shut. Bea groans internally.

Allie sits down on the sofa next to Boomer, taking a cookie that’s on offer. Being much more composed than Bea could ever hope to be, Allie just says ”Yeah, I did.”

”Yeah, I know”, Boomer laughs. ”Pretty sure the entire block knows! Unless you were faking it”, she whispers conspiratorially, not nearly quiet enough for Bea not to hear. She turns to look at Allie over the room, not able to stifle a look of outrage.

”No need for that”, Allie says, grinning around a mouthful of cookie, winking at Bea who flushes. ”Now mind your own damn business.”

”Kinda hard to, in this place.”

”I’ll get you some earplugs, yeah”, Allie says, patting Boomer’s shoulder and gets up on her feet again.

—

In the afternoon, they are enjoying the luxury of being alone in the unit. Everyone is off somewhere else. Bea suspects they have made themselves scarce for their benefit, and she appreciates the effort. They got a thorough teasing at breakfast, and Bea tried to take a page from Allie’s playing it cool-book. She thinks she managed pretty well to seem unperturbed about it all, though she doubts she was fooling anyone. They all know her too well.

Allie’s head is in her lap on the sofa, engrossed in a book about the Manson family. ”Gotta love true crime”, Allie had said and Bea had quipped that she got enough true crime in here every day, to which Allie just rolled her eyes and kissed her.

Bea struggles with a study of Allie’s hands. She has improved her drawing a lot in the years since she got locked up, but she is still having a hard time with hands. They never look right, always crooked or just plain wrong. Bea sighs and puts her drawing pad down.

”Let me see, then”, Allie demands.

”It’s not good”, Bea grumbles, but Allie just gives her a look and Bea hands the pad over.

”It’s getting better”, Allie says after really studying the sketch.

”The proportions are all wrong. And the shadowing.”

”Do you know that in old portraits of kings or military men, they often had one hand inside their jacket?”

”Yeah, I think I’ve seen that.”

”Well, everyone thought that it was a symbol of power, but I’ve heard that it was a trend that started just so the artist wouldn’t have to paint the hand.”

”Is that true?”

”Dunno. I read it somewhere. But that means hands has been a pain in the arse for artist for hundreds of years. You’re just following the tradition.”

Bea chuckles, and squeezes Allie’s cheek. ”You’re sweet.”

”You bet I am”, Allie says, grinning back at Bea.

”How’s the book?”

”It’s good. They’re all fucking nuts. But I’m not gonna lie, there are some relatable stuff in here.”

”Like what?” Bea asks, surprised.

”How they become a family, and how they put all their faith in one person, their leader, no matter what he tells them to do. It’s weirding me out a little.”

”Why?” Bea asks softly, and Allie sits up so they can face each other properly.

”I'm thinking about when I got involved with the Hand. All the girls who got heavily involved were the ones who didn’t have anything else, like me. I needed _something_ so badly. Anything to get me out of the life I was living. And I met people who were outcasts just like me, and Kaz made us feel so important and like we made a difference in some way. Giving those arseholes a taste of their own medicine, it was empowering to a lot of us. I’d never had anything like that before.” Allie fidgets a little with the book, seemingly looking for words. ”The thrill of it all was a bit like a new drug at times. But we did some things that I’m starting to doubt now. Things we did just because Kaz told us to. I guess I’m starting to accept that she might not have been honest all the time. Like when she lied to both of us just to fuck things up between us.”

”What made you think about all this all of a sudden?”

”I don’t know if it’s sudden. It’s sort of crept up on me slowly after I fell out with Kaz. I idolized her, I felt like I owed her everything, but now I’m with you… and you never ask anything of me other than to just… be with me, you know?”

”I know what you mean”, Bea says, taking Allie’s hand. ”Being with you has changed my perspective on a lot of things, too.”

Allie looks like she wants to say something, but is holding back. ”I’m sorry if I’m overstepping now”, she says, looking genuinely concerned. ”I was just wondering if you’ve talked to Bridget any. About Harry.”

”You’re not overstepping. I have. A little.”

”About what he did to you… sexually?”

”Some.” Bea lowers her eyes down, trying to fight the feelings of shame that overcomes her. But she knows Allie is here to listen and not judge. ”She says… that Harry was a rapist. All throughout our marriage.”

Allie nods. She doesn’t seem at all surprised. ”What do you think about that?” she asks. Bea notices that Allie is uncharacteristically careful.

”I wouldn’t have wanted to admit it at the time. I just thought it was me, that I was frigid or something, that I made him angry by not wanting him. But he was always cruel about sex, from the start, and since I’ve met you, I’ve realized so much about myself and my past. I know that he didn’t care about what I wanted, and that he enjoyed hurting me sometimes. And objectively, I know what that means. It’s just hard to accept that I lived like that for so long. That I let him—”

”Hey”, Allie interrupts, squeezing Bea’s hand, making Bea look at her face. ”You didn’t _let_ him do anything. He was a fucking scumbag. An abusive, rapist arsehole. Don’t put any of that on yourself. That is all on him.”

Bea just stares at Allie, struck dumb for a second.

”I’m sorry if that’s overly blunt, but I just had to say it”, Allie says apologetically. ”It’s been eating at me for a while.”

”No. It’s fine.” Bridget has said the same, not in the same colourful words of course, but it sort of lands in Bea in a much more profound way when it comes from Allie. ”Thank you, for saying that.”

—


	25. Chapter 25

—

Allie presses herself into Bea’s back, blocking her movements. Bea dribbles and tries to get away, but Allie keeps herself plastered to Bea, stopping her from moving too far in any direction. Instead of trying to make a move for the ball, Allie digs her fingers into Bea’s sides and tickles her, making her squeak and drop the ball, sending it bouncing loudly against the ground.

”Hey! That’s a foul!” Bea laughs.

”Yeah, _foul!_ ” Boomer yells loudly from the sidelines. She insists she can’t participate because of the baby, and is acting as self appointed commentator instead.

”You gotta find the weakness in your opponent, babe”, Allie says teasingly, grinning when Bea comes after her. Allie doesn’t hold on to the upper hand for long, Bea circles her and nabs the ball right out of her hands and passes it to Doreen who nets it.

”You were saying?” Bea sasses and goes to high-five Doreen.

Allie and Maxine ends up getting their arses handed to them. Maxine still hasn’t regained complete mobility after her surgery, and Allie is just kind of hopeless. Bea looks like she’s never been convalescing in her life and Allie has to concentrate not to ogle her when she moves quickly over the court.

”I feel like my true talent is blocking”, Allie muses, post game. ”I’m pretty good at that.”

Maxine laughs and hands Allie a bottle of water, and Allie takes a few greedy gulps. ”You’re great at staring, at least”, Maxine says with a wink, softly enough for Bea not to hear. Allie smiles and shrugs carelessly.

”I think you _could_ be great at this”, Bea says, coming over to joint them. ”If we just exclude the ball.”

”Fuck off”, Allie chuckles, even though she knows Bea is right. She has never been one for ball sports. ”If you’re not nice to me, I’ll tickle you right here and everyone will hear you squeal like a little girl.”

”You wouldn’t dare”, Bea says confidently.

”Try me”, Allie replies with a challenging grin.

”Oooh! She’s got you by the balls, ey Bea”, Boomer laughs. ”Or pussy, or whatever”, she adds.

”Or whatever”, Bea says. Allie delights in the subtle pinkness that rises on Bea’s cheeks, even though she has gotten very good at handling the teasing. Bea slides her arm around Allie’s shoulders, and they sit down on the bench close together even though they’re both sticky with sweat. Allie doesn’t mind that at all. She suspects she would be all over Bea even if Bea had just crawled out of a sewer.

Kaz and her crew steps forward to take over the basket court, but before they start their game, Kaz turns and starts walking towards Allie and Bea. Even from far away, Allie can see from the tension in Kaz’s shoulders and the strain on her face that she’s not happy. Allie can’t help releasing a sigh, she can always rely on Kaz to ruin a perfectly good afternoon.

Kaz nods her head slightly, and Maxine, Doreen and Boomer slip away discreetly, giving them some privacy.

”I’m going to ask you again”, Kaz says quietly, standing way too close to Bea, who remains seated. ”What the _fuck_ is taking so long?”

”I don’t know. I guess he hasn’t tried to bring anything in yet.”

Allie notices the tell tale twitches by Kaz’s eye, before her face becomes a mask. That’s how she looks when she is really furious but trying to control herself. It almost looks painful, Kaz isn’t used to contain her anger, she usually just lets it out all at once, but she obviously doesn’t want anyone to know what they are up to.

”I trusted you to fix this. But you’ve done fuck all to help the situation”, Kaz whispers through clenched teeth, clearly mindful that no one should hear.

Bea sighs, looking absolutely un-intimidated by Kaz’s attitude, which Allie knows makes Kaz even angrier. She knows Kaz has always felt that Bea doesn’t give her proper respect, and it’s obvious Kaz’s touchiness on that subject hasn’t changed.

”I’m not a miracle worker”, Bea says cooly.

”Clearly not”, Kaz snaps. ”You know, I’m starting to wonder why I offered to protect you. Maybe I ought to let my girls sort you out.”

 _”Kaz”_ , Allie hisses, grabbing at Kaz’s arm as she closes in on Bea. ”Don’t worry about it”, she says soothingly, her voice and movements contradicting the urge to smack Kaz right in the face for threatening Bea. ”It’ll happen soon.”

Kaz backs off, reluctantly. ”It better”, she spits, and leaves just as quick as she came.

”She’s on edge”, Allie states, worried.

”She’s like a toddler about to have a meltdown at the supermarket”, Bea mutters.

Allie chuckles, and sits back down. Bea really has a point. ”She’s nervous someone else will OD”, Allie says, returning to the subject.

Just yesterday, one of the older women, previously sober for a few years, was found unconscious in her cell. Allie didn’t know her, but others did and consensus seemed to be that she wouldn’t have fallen off the wagon if drugs hadn’t been everywhere. She had survived, but was still in critical condition the last they heard.

”So am I”, Bea says, a strain in her voice that clues Allie in to that this is indeed a very real worry for Bea. ”But it’s not my job to keep this place clean anymore. If Kaz wants to clean things up, she’s welcome to. I’ll wait until Franky delivers, and she will eventually.”

”Yeah.” Allie just hopes it will be soon enough.

—

Allie has been fretting about Kaz for 24 hours before she finally decides she ought to just go talk to her.

”Should you really go in there alone, love?” Maxine asks when they’re closing in on Kaz’s unit.

”Don’t worry about it. She won’t do anything to me.” Allie knows how offended Kaz would be if she thought Allie brought protection to see her. That wouldn’t exactly be the best way to start this conversation.

”If you say so.” Maxine doesn’t seem convinced. ”I’ll be nearby.”

Allie isn’t sure she needs a bodyguard anymore. Tina, still purple-faced and swollen, avoids both Allie and Bea as much as she possibly can. But there is always the threat of Mr. Stewart who is hanging over her and Bea like a ghost, even though he hasn’t shown any tendencies to attack either of them. Bea is terrified that he’ll make a sudden move and get his hands on Allie, and Allie would do anything to ease Bea’s mind. Besides, she always enjoys spending time with Maxine anyway.

”Hey kid”, Kaz says, smiling tiredly when she sees Allie linger by her cell door. ”Come in. What’s the occasion?”

Allie gets right to the point. ”I need to talk to you about Bea.”

”When is it ever not about her”, Kaz sighs bitterly.

”I need to know. Did you really mean that you’d have the girls beat her up?”

”She’s getting on my nerves.”

”So, I assume that’s a yes?” Allie asks, doing her very best to keep calm. She is annoyed at Kaz already. She has always had patience in abundance for Kaz, but lately it’s been wearing thin, and she is alarmed to find that it’s especially thin today. Maybe she shouldn’t have come.

”I don’t know what the hell she’s playing at. Things are taking way too long. She is _pretending_ to do something about this just to undermine me, just to make things worse!” While ranting, Kaz has gotten on her feet and started to pace the cell.

”That’s not true. I’ve told you, she doesn’t want your position.”

”Allie, you’re so naive”, Kaz sighs. She looks almost sad. It takes Allie aback.

”What am I being naive about?”

”She didn’t want to step down as top dog. I made her. She pretends that she wants to help with the gear, but all she wants is to make me look weak.”

”Kaz”, Allie says, trying to sound as calm and convincing as possible. ”That’s not true, I know it isn’t. And for the record, I saw Tina’s stash once when it was fresh. It’s was huge. He probably doesn’t bring shit in all that often. Think about it. It’ll be much safer for him to get the gear in here every once in a while rather than every other day.”

Kaz softens a little. Allie knows she has almost reached Kaz with her arguments, but she isn’t sure Kaz _wants_ to believe her. She may want to hold on to her grudge against Bea, no matter what.

”Why are you so angry with her again? I thought things were better. That you’d come to some sort of understanding.”

”So did I. But she just can’t help but fucking meddle in my business.”

That doesn’t make much sense to Allie, but then again, the intricacy of Kaz’s grudges have never been anything she has been able to fully understand. Sometimes it lacks logic. She knows Kaz rarely forgives an insult and Allie is tired of this constant animosity.

”Let’s be real, for once.” Allie’s tone is flat, she feels her composure slip a little. ”You idolized her, we were all inspired by her and she wanted nothing to do with our cause. You still can’t let that go.”

Kaz looks pissed. ”I was dazzled by her extraordinary revenge. I admit it. She’s nothing if not cunning. That’s why I don’t trust her.”

”Can’t you just wait a while longer?” Allie pleads, biting the inside of her cheek.

Kaz shakes her head and looks into the wall. ”The women need the supply to stop. Now. It’s just a matter of time before someone else dies.”

”Then just do something about it yourself if you can’t wait. That’s an option.” Allie is alarmed at the tone she is taking with Kaz, but she can’t help it. She is fed up.

Kaz snorts. ”Yeah, that’d go over well. When the supply runs out all the junkies in here will lose their shit. Including Tina and her crew. If they know I’m behind it, I might as well tape a target on my own back.”

”I thought you were all for doing the right thing. That’s one thing I always admired about you.”

”I fucking will, I’m just waiting for Bea to hold up her end of the bargain!” Kaz snaps.

As Kaz continues to rant about Bea, how she is plotting to take Kaz down, undermining her at every turn and delighting in the decline of the women into addiction, Allie feels herself hit a brick wall. She’s had enough. Enough of listening to Kaz tear into Bea, trying to swallow her own anger and disappointment and get on Kaz’s good side, trying to solicit her help and protection. Maybe she ought to be grateful, but she has just had it.

”Why don’t you spare me the self-righteous bullshit”, Allie interrupts. ”Please. Just stop. Bea is right, you know. You’re the one who let all this happen. Things were pretty calm around here until you started stirring up shit and then letting Tina run rampant.”

Kaz is shocked to silence, and then shakes her head in obvious disappointment. ”She’s got you completely brainwashed.”

”No, actually. Unlike you, she never tells me what to think or how to feel. She cares about me, not just what I can do for her or how she can use me for her own purposes.”

It feels good to finally say it out loud. Allie has dwelled on this for months, trying to reconcile the love she still feels for Kaz with how much Kaz has done to deliberately hurt her and Bea. Their history of devoted friendship seems tarnished now. The more Allie has thought about it, and she has thought a lot about it, even talked to Bridget about it, she can see Kaz as she is now. Not as her great savior, her mother figure that she’d lay down her life for. Now she sees the pettiness, the stubborn refusals to listen, the anger that is always lurking under the surface and the way she only ever wanted Allie and the others to follow and never question, even though they were supposed to be a democratic group. The way she viewed Allie falling in love with the wrong person as a personal slight.

”I did everything for you. I’m _in here_ , for you! I thought you were the only one who’d ever care about me. I realized recently that I forgave you initially for trying to have Bea murdered. And then _I_ felt bad for lying to _you_ about seeing her. That’s some level of fucked up! But I don’t feel bad anymore.” Allie takes a deep breath to collect herself. ”And I don’t forgive you.”

Kaz looks hurt for a second, but as usual she chooses anger and attack. ”You think this is some grand love story, don’t you?” Her voice is dripping with distain and scorn, completely bypassing Allie’s argument. ”It’s ridiculous. It’s just a gate-gay thing for her. It’ll pass, believe me. It’s just for a lack of options, can’t you see that? You think she’d have anything to do with you if she had a chance to get anything better? Miss perfect straight housewife will never love you like you want her to.”

Allie knows it’s all lies, but she feels her throat knot up all the same. ”You don’t know shit about that.”

”Can’t you see that she’s only using you? It’s suits her now, it’s convenient for her because you’re blinded by love but she’ll get tired of you. She hasn’t got a single bone of loyalty in her.”

”And what the fuck would you know about loyalty?” Allie growls.

”More than you, clearly. After everything I’ve done for you—”

”Yeah, you helped save my life, then you tried to ruin it again. Thank you so fucking much!”

”You’ll see eventually. One day you’ll beg me to take you back into the fold.”

Something snaps inside Allie’s head. ”Don’t you fucking get it? I’d chose her over you every day for the rest of my life!” she shouts.

Allie hears the slap before she feels it, it echoes even in the small chamber of Kaz’s cell. Her cheek grows numb and then warm and she looks at Kaz’s face. It’s trembling with battling emotions.

”You were the one person I trusted”, Kaz chokes, her eyes filled with tears. ”You fucking betrayed me.”

”I could say the exact same thing to you.” A single tear escapes Allie, almost cool against the cheek that is heated from the slap.

—

True to her word, Maxine is still lingering around Kaz’s unit. ”What happened?” she asks as she sees Allie’s stricken face.

”Just had a long overdue chat with Kaz”, Allie says. They head over to the bathrooms and Allie checks herself in the mirror. She can still feel the sting on her skin. It doesn’t show that much thanks to her make-up, and Allie breathes a sigh of relief. The last thing she needs is for Bea to fly off the handle as soon as she sees her. She doesn’t say much about it to Maxine, feeling like she should fill Bea in first.

When Allie returns to H1 with Maxine in tow, Bea is sketching by the table in the middle of the unit. The way her face lights up when she sees Allie erases any lingering doubts she had about Kaz being right about Bea’s feelings for her. Allie knows what they have.

Bea’s face falls when she lingers on Allie. ”What’s wrong?”

Allie motions towards Bea’s cell, and they slink inside, shutting the door behind them.

”I may have done something really stupid”, Allie blurts sheepishly. The walk from Kaz’s unit and back to theirs sobered her up a bit, and made her think of the consequences of what she just did.

”Okay…”

”I was planning on talking to Kaz calmly about everything, but I kind of had a go at her and I think I really pissed her off. Like, _really_ pissed her off.”

Bea chuckles. ”Nothing worse?”

”It’s bad enough! She probably won’t protect you anymore. That’s the best case scenario.” 

Bea takes Allie’s hand, soothing the skin there with her thumb, ”I’m pretty sure everyone knows I can protect myself well enough again. To be honest, I’m relieved if I don’t have to rely on staying in her good graces. It was wearing me down.”

”I should have known this would make you happy”, Allie mutters.

Bea shakes her head, smiling sadly. ”It doesn’t make me happy. She really is the most annoying person I’ve ever met, but I’m sorry if you’ve completely fallen out with her. I know what she means to you.”

”I’m not sure what she means anymore. She has just done so many things to us, and the more I think about it the less I’m able to let it go.”

”You don’t have to forgive everything, you know. It’s okay.”

”I know. But at the same time, I feel guilty. I owe her so much. And a part of me does love her, still. Maybe I always will, because of everything she’s done for me. But I just… I feel like I can finally see her clearly. I just don’t _like_ her anymore, you know?”

Bea nods, stroking Allie’s cheek. ”It’s alright”, she murmurs and Allie leans down to kiss her softly.

Yes. This. This is where she belongs. She can feel it so clearly. She sighs into the kiss, letting her fingers stroke through Bea’s locks.

”I’m so in love with you”, Allie murmurs between kisses. Bea gasps and pulls her closer.

”I am too, with you”, Bea whispers, and Allie feels herself die a little.

Bea eventually breaks the kiss reluctantly. ”Boomer insists on a game of Monopoly. Sonia got it for her on her spend today. She is over the moon.”

”Yeah, I know”, Allie chuckles. ”She told me we’d have to wait with the monkey business until after the game.”

”Oh, well. That’s not how she put it to me.”

”She isn’t stupid, is she”, Allie laughs, coaxing a smile from Bea.

—


	26. Chapter 26

—

Despite spirits being high in H1 this evening, Allie feels subdued after her fight with Kaz. Just completely drained of energy. She had meant everything she said, but now she feels strangely empty. Fractions of thoughts of it distracts her.

Bea of course notices that Allie isn’t all there, and rubs her hand over Allie’s knee. ”You want to go to bed?” she asks quietly, looking a little worried.

”No, let’s play till the end”, Allie whispers back, squeezing Bea’s fingers. She doesn’t want to ruin the game. Everyone else is enjoying the change and a new activity, and she would too if she didn’t feel so damn sad.

To no one’s surprise, Sonia takes charge at once and forms a cartel with Liz, proceeding to wipe the floor with the rest of them and then turning on Liz in the end.

”Damn, Sonia. You’re brutal!” Boomer exclaims, not a small amount of admiration in her voice.

”I do have some experience from my real life”, Sonia says, feigning modesty, and then starts fanning herself with a stack of fake cash, making them all laugh. Even Allie has to smile.

It would have been a perfectly fun evening any other day, but Allie is relieved when it’s over and she and Bea can be alone.

—

Allie’s head and arms feels heavy as she washes her face in Bea’s sink. Bea comes to stand beside her to brush her teeth.

”What happened to you cheek?” Bea asks, squinting to look at Allie’s face in the dimly lit room.

Allie bites her lip. She had forgotten about that for a second. She doesn’t want to make it into a big deal, but she won’t to lie to Bea either. ”Kaz.”

Bea looks at Allie for a moment, uncomprehending. And then. ”Wait. She _hit_ you?”

”She gave me a slap for speaking my mind”, Allie answers as casually as she can.

”Fucks sake”, Bea growls, and slams her toothbrush down on the sink, but to Allie’s relief, no other expected eruption comes. Instead, Bea takes Allies hand and leads her to the bed, then sits down beside her to gently examine her face. ”Are you okay?” Her voice is so soft and concerned, Allie’s eyes start prickling with tears.

Allie nods. ”It’s fine. Can barely feel it.” It’s true, it doesn’t sting anymore, but on the other hand, the sting in her heart is far worse. ”I should have expected it. I was pushing her buttons.”

Bea gives Allie a long, frowning look. ”Don’t make excuses for her”, she says. ”Believe me, I know them all by heart. She had no right to put her hands on you no matter what.”

Allie’s heart constricts painfully in her chest. She feels unusually vulnerable. Bea keeps looking at her face and then kisses Allie’s red cheek, letting her mouth ghost gently over the raw skin. ”My beautiful girl”, she whispers, her breath caressing Allie.

Seemingly from out of nowhere, a sob breaks through Allie’s chest. She presses a hand to her mouth, as if she is trying to stifle it, but she can’t. Bea strokes a hand over Allie’s neck, and just that small, gentle gesture makes the tears fall freely no matter how much Allie tries to stop them. Bea curls her hand around Allie’s neck and kisses her hairline, and Allie just about collapses against Bea’s shoulder, starting to cry in earnest. She curls into Bea, shaking with sobs, and Bea lets her hide her face.

It isn’t the slap that hurts so much. She’d experienced much worse before, although not from Kaz.

It’s so many things all at once. It’s the definite end of an era with Kaz, the end of any silly hopes she had about them finding their way back to the friendship they once shared. Not that she wants that, she doesn’t, it’s too late. But it still hurts, her ribcage rips with sobs of pain.

It’s the thought that maybe it was all a lie from the beginning, that she had put everything she had into a friendship and a cause that might have been nothing but smoke and mirrors when push came to shove.

”Oh, sweetheart. It’s okay”, Bea murmurs into Allie’s hair, letting her hands stroke up and down Allie’s back. ”It’s all right.”

And Allie just cries harder, because she has this, she has Bea holding onto her. No one else has ever comforted her like Bea does - with so much patience and without condition. So much of Allie’s early life was spent as an inconvenience to her father and longing for a mother who had left her behind. She thought she had found a place and togetherness at last with Kaz and the Hand, but it had all been fleeting. She finally cries for the loss of that illusion, but also because she has gained something much more precious than she has ever had before. She weeps for everything bad and good that has happened in her life in the last few months.

Bea tugs at Allie’s shoulder and they sink down on the bed, Allie unwilling to let go of Bea for even a second. Bea doesn’t say anything, she just wipes Allie’s cheeks and kisses her wherever she can reach. Every tender gesture makes more tears spill out, soaking Bea’s neck and shirt.

”I’m s-sorry”, Allie chokes.

Allie feels Bea shake her head and stroke her back soothingly. ”There’s no need for that”, Bea whispers. Allie buries her face against Bea’s chest, as if attempting to hide there, grasping the shirt on Bea’s back tightly in her fists. ”Can I do anything?”

”Just don’t let me go. Please?”

Bea circles her arms around Allie, squeezing her to her even tighter. ”I won’t. I promise.”

—

Allie wakes up in stages, slowly becoming aware of Bea’s fingers painting patterns on her face.

”Time is it?” Allie yawns as she stretches. She catches Bea’s hand with her own. ”Don’t stop, it’s nice.”

”Five minutes to the call for the count”, Bea says and resumes her tracing of Allie’s eyebrows, the bend of her nose, the dip of her chin. Allie sighs with delight. ”I thought it would be okay to wake you. How are you feeling?”

”Better. Thanks for… just staying with me last night. I’m sorry I was such a mess”, she mutters apologetically, a little embarrassed for being so weak and pitiful in front of Bea.

Bea smiles. ”You’re my mess”, she says, her gaze so filled with warmth that Allie has to swallow a lump that forms in her throat, the shame she was feeling evaporating. ”Where else would I be?”

”Well. Lucky for me you’re locked in here and can’t get away”, Allie jokes, making Bea chuckle. ”Seriously, though…” Allie feels her voice starting to crack already, but she soldiers on. ”It meant a lot to me. I’m not used to anyone… I’m just used to dealing with things on my own.”

”Me too. But not anymore”, Bea says, sounding almost reverent, her cheeks a little pink as she strokes through Allie’s hair.

The change in Allie’s mood since last night couldn’t be more dramatic. She feels like she could burst from happiness. ”No. Not anymore.”

After everything they’ve been through since getting together, leaning on each other has become second nature, it has happened without either of them really reflecting on it. It’s still such an unusual thing to Allie. She trusts Bea with everything she’s got, and hopes that Bea feels the same about her, because this really is the most beautiful thing Allie has ever had.

Allie doesn’t know who leans in first, but all of a sudden they’re kissing, smiling into each other. The voice on the intercom does nothing to slow them down.

”Let’s just stand for the count and get back in here”, Allie says, her voice already rough against Bea’s lips. She grips tightly at Bea’s hip.

”I have to go”, Bea mumbles between kisses. ”I’m teaching a class this morning.”

”Shit”, Allie sighs. ”I forgot.”

Despite having to get up out of bed, Bea won’t stop kissing Allie, and Allie sure as hell isn’t going to stop her either. They keep kissing and touching all the way to the door. They are lucky no one can see them, they must look like a ridiculous tangled mess of limbs and roaming hands. Allie laughs when Bea palms her arse rather unashamedly.

”You’re really sexy”, Bea murmurs, with her cheeks flaming and her breath in disarray, and Allie nearly swoons because Bea almost never says things bluntly like that. She doesn’t even look embarrassed about it, the flushed face not due to shame.

”God”, Allie groans. ”I wish I could fuck you right here.”

Bea gasps and digs her nails into Allie’s arse. She looks as she is just about to say something when they hear the gates start to open.

”Shit!” Allie exclaims. ”I’ll see you at lunch then, yeah?” she whispers and steals one last kiss before hurrying across the unit to stand outside her cell door just in time, getting an annoyed and knowing look from Ms. Miles when she steps inside the unit for the count. Allie doesn’t thinks she has been standing properly for the count a single morning since moving to H1, except when Bea has been in medical or the slot.

Bea’s eyes are hot on her skin even all the way across the room. Allie throws her a wink before Bea is escorted off to the showers.

—

The room is buzzing with chattering voices.

”Oi, listen up!” Bea calls, and everyone quiets down. She is pleased that she still commands some respect with the women, otherwise this would be hell. She starts to explain about different scissors and how to best use them and everyone is listening attentively.

Bea doesn’t dislike teaching as much as she thought she would when Ms. Bennett first forced her to start this class. The pain of being reminded of the outside through what was once her livelihood has lessened. She finds she thinks less and less of things on the outside that she misses. There will always be Debbie, of course, but other than that, the outside world is fading slowly away. She has a hard time recalling how it felt to have a whole day to herself, or being able to go where she wanted, just that feeling of freedom - but then again, maybe she never really owned that freedom anyway, almost a prisoner in her own home.

She had moved between her house, her job and the supermarket, and that was about it. She’d had no friends, no social life. What was there to miss, anyway? Her days had revolved completely around Harry’s schedule and making sure he had as little reason as possible to lose his temper. Not that it had helped if he was in the wrong mood. Most of the time, she ran things so perfectly that he simply made up things to get angry about, just to justify beating her.

She thinks she might take a page from Allie and be more optimistic about things in here. It has already started to happen, without her noticing. She sometimes catches herself thinking that this place isn’t so bad, at least not all the time.

Some of the younger women are very enthusiastic about learning. For a long time after losing Debbie, Bea had a hard time being around girls about her age. All of that has changed slowly, and now being around them doesn’t fill her with pain. Her mother used to use the cliché to say that time heals all wounds, which Bea knows by now isn’t true, Debbie is still a huge gaping wound in her soul. But sometimes time, but especially love, can lessen the pain of that wound.

Bea looks over the small crowd of girls and women listening to her talk, and instructs them how to start practicing on each other, since wigs are scarce in prison. Some of these young women still have a chance at improving their own lives, and Bea is happy if she can contribute to them having something going for them when they are released. It makes her feel like she is doing something more worthwhile than just washing linens. If she teaches them well enough, they might be ready for an apprenticeship when they get out.

All of that aside, right now she just wishes she could go back to be with Allie.

Thinking about Allie makes her smile to herself, but it does interfere with her ability to do good hair, so she hands off her scissors to Hayley, 18 years old and one of the most promising students she has.

She won’t see Allie until lunch, and then they have laundry duty. It will be so long until they can be alone. She has to stop herself from releasing a frustrated sigh.

It’s ridiculous, it’s only a few hours, just half a day, but Bea feels like she is famished, and about to starve to death if she cannot feel Allie’s hands on her again.

Can this really be normal, she wonders. How can it be that she went from having zero interest in sex, to not being able to stop thinking about it? She always thought there was something wrong with her, or that other women was just pretending to like sex to make their husbands happy. She never thought she would actually experience anything like this, this obsessive fascination with another persons body, mind and touch. She wouldn’t even have been able to imagine how this would feel, how wonderful and how frustrating. This is the downside to prison, not being able to do what she wants when she wants it.

She really wants it now. She has wanted it since she woke up this morning and felt Allie’s sleeping hand rest heavily low down on her abdomen.

She looks around the room. Everyone is preoccupied with their tasks. Fuck it. ”Okay ladies”, she says loudly. ”Can you manage on your own for a while?”

They all nod or say yes, probably excited to be trusted to do their own thing for a change.

”Maxine will be here to give advice, won’t you Maxine?” Bea says, avoiding eye contact with Maxine who is helping a girl apply some advanced make-up.

”Sure”, Maxine says, and when Bea finally dares to look at her, Maxine gives her such a well meaning smile that Bea forgets to be embarrassed. ”Go”, she whispers, squeezing Bea’s shoulder. ”You only live once, right?”

Right. Bea tries to conjure up a reasonable excuse she can use if a screw catches her. She walks quickly, and the corridors are nearly empty. She does pass a screw, but thankfully he doesn’t ask where she is going.

Back in H1, she heads straight for Allie’s cell.

”What are you doing back already?” Allie asks when Bea sneaks in, clicking the door shut behind her.

Bea leans back against the door, looking at Allie. She really is gorgeous. Just a white t-shirt, teal pants and a pony tail, and Bea has never seen anyone more beautiful, ever.

”I thought they could manage without me for a while.”

Allie smiles, slowly and ferally. ”Did you?” She puts down her book by her side, and leans back with her hands behind her head. ”I think you missed me.”

”Might’ve”, Bea says hoarsely, staring at Allie, unwavering. ”Come over here.”

Bea can see how Allie’s breath is already quickening as she gets on her feet and walks over to Bea, stopping just before their bodies touch. Bea looks up at Allie. She loves the anticipation cracking like electricity between them, she loves that Allie is a little bit taller than her. God, she loves it all.

”This is ridiculous”, Bea says, almost exasperated. ”If a screw finds out I’m playing hooky I’ll get punished. I should be able to wait. But I can’t”, she husks, looking at Allie pleadingly.

”You’ll hear no complaints from me”, Allie says, and bends down so they can kiss.

—


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me a lot longer than I thought thanks to the holidays. Thanks for reading, hope you all had a stellar holiday and a happy new year!

—

Allie traces her thumb over Bea’s lower lip before kissing her softly.

This is a gift she didn’t expect, Bea skipping work to come into her cell and practically beg for it. Allie sure isn’t going to waste the opportunity.

Bea doesn’t seem to have any patience for that slow, soft stuff, but pulls Allie closer by her neck, immediately deepening the kiss, making Allie release a sound that is something between a chuckle and a moan. Bea being all demanding really turns her on, and it also makes her happy that they’ve come so far that Bea is comfortable with being so upfront with what she wants.

”How long have we got?” Allie asks, moving her mouth across Bea’s jaw, raking her teeth against the shell of an ear.

”Not that long”, Bea manages, already panting lightly, pulling Allie with her further so that Bea’s back is pressed against the door, the feeling of their bodies so close together making them both shudder. Allie licks into Bea’s mouth, loving the feeling of Bea’s breasts and raging pulse against hers. Bea’s hands moves restlessly from Allie’s hair, to her shoulders, to her back, sneaking underneath Allie’s t-shirt as their kisses grow more and more forceful.

Allie finds herself already throbbing, that impatient restlessness in Bea fanning the flame inside. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for Bea, especially when she is needy like this. She nips at Bea’s throat, and Bea lets out some kind of high pitched whimper that makes it’s way straight between Allie’s legs. She shifts to press her thigh between Bea’s, venturing underneath her shirt, enjoying the feel of all that soft skin.

”Allie”, Bea sighs as her head falls backwards, hitting the door with a light thud when Allie reaches her breasts. Her face is painted with the kind of aroused disbelief that clenches at Allie’s heart, because it both tells her what this is doing to Bea and how unused she still is to feeling like this.

”It’s alright. I’ve got what you need”, Allie husks, her voice sounding much more steady than it should. Bea gasps and grows weak in Allie’s arms for a second, before pulling her in for such a deep kiss that Allie almost loses her her balance.

”Please, Allie”, Bea breathes when they break apart, staring almost helplessly at Allie, squirming against her thigh.

Oh. Wow. Bea really _is_ begging for it.

Allie body is practically on fire already, her mind clouding over with all the possibilities. Wanting Bea has always transcended conscious thought, it has been it’s own glowing entity within her from the very beginning. The aching need to please Bea, to make her feel good, is overwhelming. There are so many things she wants to do, so many things she has thought about.

She pulls away suddenly, and Bea looks just about to protest when Allie spins her around, letting Bea lean back against her.

”This reminds me of something”, Allie breathes, reminiscing about that time in the equipment room when she held on to Bea just like this. Bea practically melts back against Allie when Allie finds her breasts again. ”You remember?”

”Yeah.” Bea is almost completely breathless already. ”That’s… that’s when I knew I needed you all over me.”

Well. That is nice to hear. All those secret make out sessions in the equipment room had wound Allie up to an almost painful degree. She had spent her days smiling in secret, sometimes so big she felt like she was going to split her face in half, as she was replaying the transformation of Bea’s kisses from tentative to hungry, over and over again.

At first, she hadn’t really known the depth of Bea’s scars and her inexperience, but she had soon learned and taken a step back to make Bea feel comfortable. She had been worried to show the extent of her want, that she would come on too strong and scare Bea away. She finds that she has to worry about that less and less as Bea seems to grow more confident every day they are together. This all consuming desire really goes both ways, Allie knows that now without a shadow of a doubt.

”Yeah? Were you wet for me then?” Allie risks trying to get really explicit, Bea is so talkative today she might just bite.

Bea hesitates only for a second. ”Yes. I’d never felt anything like it before.”

”Fuck, Bea” Allie groans, and pushes Bea’s bra up and away to touch her breasts properly, finding her nipples hard against her palms. Bea moans and presses her chest up against Allie’s hands. ”I’ve never been so hot for anyone in my life. I thought I was going to pass out when I finally got to touch you.” She remembers it all vividly, how overwhelmed she had felt when she touched Bea’s bare skin for the first time, how she had wanted to steal just a few more seconds and how her heart sunk when Bea stormed out. ”And I’ve never wanted to kick myself more for not keeping my bloody mouth shut.”

A breathless chuckle escapes Bea. ”You did ruin the moment”, she agrees.

”Let me make it up to you.” Allie whispers, her thumb rough against Bea’s nipple, rolling her hips against Bea’s arse. Bea answers in kind. They rock back and forth, losing themselves in the sensations. ”You wet for me now?”

Allie can feel Bea trembling all over, and then she grasps at Allie’s wrist, pulling her hand out of her shirt, guiding it down towards the waistband of her pants. ”Here”, she murmurs, pushing Allie’s hand down into her underwear. ”Feel.”

”Oh, Jesus.” Allie practically whines as her fingers slips over Bea, finding her impossibly slick and swollen. ”You’ve been waiting a while, haven’t you?”

”Since early this morning”, Bea pants, already moving her hips to meet the pressure of Allie’s fingers.

Allie moves through the wetness, closing her eyes to truly feel everything. ”You should’ve woken me up.”

”I didn’t want to wake you just because I—”

”I can sleep when I’m dead.” Allie ghosts her fingers over Bea’s clit, making her whole body jerk back against Allie. Bea braces herself with one hand against the doorframe, pressing her hips back into Allie’s pelvis.

Allie is gentle at first, knowing that Bea is flushed and sensitive, but again, the coiled up impatience Bea radiates urges Allie further. She uses her whole hand, her palm becoming slippery wet, sliding easily against Bea.

”God. Allie. Oh, _fuck_!” Bea’s knuckles whiten against the doorframe.

”Sssh”, Allie soothes, kissing Bea’s neck. She can tell Bea is already far gone by the way she forgets to stifle her moans. ”You know I love hearing you, but I don’t want a screw to walk in on us right now.” Despite her own warning, Allie does nothing to stop or slow down what she is doing. Instead, she increases the pressure and speed of her fingers.

Bea turns her head to bury it in Allie’s neck to muffle another deep moan. ”Sorry. I can’t, I… It’s so good.”

Allie bites her own lip to keep from moaning out loud. If you can die from arousal, Allie is in mortal danger.

She moves her fingers even quicker and with more purpose and it doesn’t take long before Bea starts to come, doing her very best to drown her cry of release in Allie’s neck.

Allie eventually moves her hand away from Bea and wraps her arms around Bea’s midsection, resting her head on Bea’s shoulder and holding her close as she recovers. ”You’re perfect”, Allie murmurs, kissing Bea’s cheek and ear. They stay close like that for a few long moments before Bea finds her footing enough to turn around.

Bea looks beautifully disheveled and slightly groggy, but her eyes are darkened when she stares at Allie. Allie smiles and takes the tip of her own finger into her mouth, swirling her tongue against it, loving Bea’s unique flavor spreading over her tastebuds.

Bea’s jaw slackens as she watches, and then she pounces on Allie, kissing her greedily and pushing her back towards the bed. As Allie’s calves hits the edge of the bed, Bea sinks to her knees, taking Allie’s pants and underwear with her. Allie helps kick them off, falling backwards down onto the mattress.

She loses her breath for a second, so affected by Bea staring at her darkly. Allie spreads her legs wider, allowing Bea to see all of her. She know what she must look like, dripping wet and throbbing harshly. Bea bites her lip, visibly swallowing a moan. And she just keeps staring, stroking her hand absentmindedly over Allie’s thigh.

”I thought you were in a hurry”, Allie says, amusement fluttering at her mouth.

Bea smiles a little, looking so predatory Allie feels herself twitch. ”I am”, Bea husks. ”You’re just…” She interrupts herself, and then she bends down.

Bea could probably finish Allie off in two seconds flat if she wanted to, Allie is right there already. But it’s clear that is not what Bea wants. She kisses Allie all over, teasing her and working her up, but avoiding the spots she by now knows will push Allie over the edge.

Allie groans and pushes Bea’s hair out of her face so she can watch.

Bea looks up and notices Allie staring down at her. She smiles and bends back down to suck lightly, making sure Allie can see, sucking Allie’s clit into her mouth, rolling her tongue lazily over it, making Allie’s hips jump and shake.

 _”God”_ , Allie groans through clenched teeth. She wants to keep looking but she can barely keep her eyes open, cannot stay still. She had told Bea to keep quiet, but she has no idea how she herself is supposed to, because every touch of Bea’s tongue against her makes her want to cry out in pleasure and anticipation.

Allie always feels like Bea going down on her is the ultimate acceptance. Before they got together, Allie had reckoned that a possible future dalliance with Bea might be a one-sided thing, that Bea might not want to reciprocate. Allie had been so enamored and attracted to Bea that she almost didn’t mind that idea, but at times like this, those thoughts seems so ridiculous. When Bea wraps her arms around her and eats her out with such care and devotion, Allie can feel how much Bea loves and craves her in every movement. Allie has had some good sex in her life, but this is something completely singular. There is so much emotion in it. She didn’t know it could be like that before now.

Suddenly, she feels her cheeks grow wet with tears. She is so close she can taste it.

”Please. Bea, let me come for you”, she whispers, running her fingers through the red locks she loves so much. Bea moans against Allie and moves her mouth just slightly, just where Allie needs her and that’s all it takes. Allie feels as she is about to burst out of her own skin as the orgasm tears violently through her body.

When she finally returns to the present, Bea has crawled up in the bed and is smiling tentatively.

”You okay?” she asks, touching her hand to Allie’s tear-stained cheek.

”I’m great”, Allie assures her, still breathless. ”It was just really intense.”

”Yeah”, Bea agrees with a quiet chuckle. Allie feels as she should say something else, but she can’t connect her brain to her mouth. Bea strokes her hand over Allie’s abdomen, kissing her cheek and neck softly. ”You’re so beautiful. Wonderful. Just, everything”, she mumbles incoherently as she presses close to Allie.

The change in Bea from feral beast to pure sweetheart makes Allie’s heart swell impossibly big in her chest. They kiss for far longer than they should.

”I’ve got to go”, Bea finally says, regretfully.

Allie sits up beside her. ”Let me fix your hair. I messed it up a bit.” Bea smiles as Allie fusses with her hair. ”See you later.”

Bea gives Allie the most radiant smile, the kind that makes Allie want to swoon and kiss her and scream out thanks to the universe. She just watches as Bea slips out of her cell, blowing her a kiss on the way out.

Allie falls back on the bed, enjoying the boneless feeling in her body. She lets the heaviness envelop her and drag her to sleep.

—

Bea silently sneaks back into the room where the women are still concentrated on cutting hair. She had been gone longer than she had planned, of course, but it looks like no major mishaps happened while she was gone.

”How’ve things been going?” she asks Maxine, who is cleaning brushes.

”Good, I think. Just a few asked for help. I was able to handle it.”

”Good”, Bea says, scanning the room. ”Thank you.”

Maxine finishes cleaning up and comes to stand beside Bea. ”It’s looking good on you”, she murmurs.

”What is?” Bea looks down at herself, confused.

Maxine smiles indulgently. ”Love.”

”Oh.” Bea lets out a shuddering laugh, feeling her cheeks heat up. She hopes she doesn’t look too much like she just had sex, but she knows Maxine understands what she has been up to either way.

Maxine takes Bea’s hand in hers, holding it gently, as if sensing Bea’s discomfort. ”I’m just saying, it’s wonderful to see you, you know, living your life.”

Bea smiles bashfully, looking down at her feet.

”See. That’s what I mean. I’d never seen that smile before Allie came around. It makes you look so beautiful.”

”God, stop it, Maxine”, Bea mutters, feeling light and happy but still a little uncomfortable with the compliments.

”Oh, please. Just let me be happy for you”, Maxine laughs softly.

”I’m sorry.” Bea smiles sheepishly. ”I do feel good.” She almost frowns at the understatement. She is so unused to talking about feelings like this, still so unused to _having_ these kinds of feelings, but she knows that Maxine is the one to talk to, she has been pushing for her and Allie since the very beginning. ”I mean, fuck, Maxine. I’m so in love with her I can’t even think properly.”

Maxine smiles sweetly, squeezing Bea’s hand.

”Everything about her… She’s just so wonderful. And I feel like some stupid bloody teenager in heat”, she whispers between her teeth. ”Like I’m not myself, but I am.” She shakes her head in disbelief, but it’s not a bad feeling at all. ”I didn’t think anything like this could ever happen to me.”

”About time it did, then”, Maxine says, without any judgment whatsoever.

”Yeah”, Bea says quietly, feeling her eyes wanting to fill up with tears. ”Thanks.” She kisses Maxine’s cheek.

”Oh, dear”, Maxine gasps, as they lean back against the counter, starting to observe the room again. ”Looks like there’s an undercut that needs saving”, she says, her voice tinted with horror.

Bea turns to look in the same direction as Maxine, and yes indeed, that is a right carnage of an undercut. ”Well, shit”, Bea groans and goes over there. It’s two of the youngest who apparently wanted to create something unique. ”I can’t leave you girls alone for a moment, can I”, she chastises gently and takes over the electric clipper. ”What have I told you about sudden movements when you use this thing?”

She thinks she will be able to salvage the hairdo, but just as she starts to get to work, Ms. Miles and Mr. Hanson stomp into the room. Ms. Miles looks even surlier than usual.

”Right. Everybody will return to their units now, no exceptions. H-block with me, G-block with Mr. Hanson.”

A murmur breaks out between the women. Some of them turn to Bea for answers, but she just shrugs.

”What’s this for?” Bea asks. ”Some of us aren’t done here.” She motions at the woman in the chair in front of her.

”Just do as you’re told, will you”, Ms. Miles snaps, looking extremely tired.

They don’t even have time to clean up, some of the women looks downright crazy, someone has got half a fringe, but they are just shuffled along towards H-block. By every unit they pass, there is a screw standing guard inside, the prisoners standing outside their doors.

Bea can hear Mr. Hodgins booming voice coming from H1 before she even sees him.

”Just get out here, Novak, or you’ll end up in the slot!”

”Will you calm your tits! Can I put my bloody pants on first?”

”You do that outside”, Hodgins says in a tone that won’t be disagreed with.

Bea speeds up as much as she dares, and when she comes around the corner so she can see what is going on, her eyes fall on Allie pulling her pants up outside her door and glowering at Hodgins. ”Get an eyeful, did you?” Allie asks defiantly.

Allie’s expression softens when she sees Bea.

Bea goes to meet her. ”I was just enjoying the afterglow when that arsehole came in and started barking orders”, Allie whispers. ”Seems they’re looking for something.”

”I think it’s happening”, Bea whispers back and Allie’s eyes widen in comprehension.

”Stop whispering. Smith, go stand by your cell”, Ms. Miles orders.

”Right away Ms. Miles.” Bea finds that she feels almost buoyant at the thought that this might actually be it, Franky may have come through for them at last. She takes her spot and smiles at Allie over the room. And just as she predicted, a pack of police and dogs storms into their unit a few minutes later, tearing their cells apart. They don’t find anything, except for Sonia’s impressive stash of sedatives, which she amazingly enough have permission to use. When that is done, and the unit looks like a tornado has torn through it, Bea walks up to Ms. Miles.

”What’s going on?” she asks. Ms. Miles looks like she’s about to tell Bea to fuck off, but doesn’t.

”They caught that bloody idiot Jake Stewart with his pants full of drugs this morning. Apparently enough to knock out a herd of elephants.”

”You’re kidding.” Bea schools her face to look sufficiently scandalized. Ms. Miles looks extremely unhappy, and Bea guesses that she is seeing her own means for extra cash go up in smoke. Security won’t be as lax from now on, Bea is willing to bet.

Ms. Miles just scowls. ”Right! It’s time for lock up. You’ll take lunch in here.”

”When will you let us out again?” Doreen asks.

Ms. Miles ignores the question and walks out and locks the gate behind her. As soon as she is gone, Allie and Maxine gather outside Bea’s cell and she ushers them inside.

”They got him”, she whispers as soon as the door closes.

”Yes!” Allie almost shouts, and throws her arms around both Bea and Maxine, almost toppling them over, making them all laugh. ”Though this place is going to be a fucking hell hole for the next few weeks if nothing’s getting in.”

”I know. We’ll just have to brace ourselves”, Bea says, hoping that it will be enough.

—


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I'm sorry about the delay! The downside to the holidays is that I have a mountain of work waiting for me when I get back, so I've been working overtime since the new year. Hope you haven't lost interest in this in the meantime. Thanks for all the support I've gotten, it means a lot!

—

They stay locked up for the rest of the day. Bea and Allie spend most of their time just enjoying each other’s company. Allie reads, Bea sketches, they talk and cuddle huddled together in Allie’s cell. It’s a great day, abundances of time stretched out before them. Bea feels almost spoiled by it all, elated by the relief knowing that Mr. Stewart is finally out of their way.

”I didn’t realize how much you worried about him until now”, Allie says suddenly as she watches Bea draw. Bea puts down her pencil in surprise. ”But I can see it in the way you move now. It’s like a stone dropped, like you’re lighter.”

Bea is amazed that Allie has noticed. She actually feels lighter. She thinks she is playing things rather close to the chest, but Allie is great at reading her. Allie has joked more than once that it’s because she can’t tear her eyes away from Bea, but it’s more to it than that. Allie just seems to know Bea instinctually.

”I am so relieved”, Bea sighs without any pretense. ”Aren’t you?”

”Yeah, I am. It’s been there, all the time in the back of my mind. I’ve just been good at ignoring it, I think. But I think you worried more than I did.”

”Maybe. It’s what I do, you know.”

Allie smiles gently. ”You’re a worrywart.”

Bea chuckles. ”Can you blame me after all the shit that’s happened?”

”Not really.” Allie reaches for Bea’s hand, running her thumb over the knuckles.

”At least I don’t have to go to Ferguson’s trial. That’s _something_ I don’t have to worry about.” The police had taken Bea’s statement soon after the confrontation with Ferguson, when she was still in the hospital. Obviously nervous that another witness would conveniently die, the Crown had decided on a taped statement from Bea this time around. There were plenty of other witnesses and forensic evidence to prove that Ferguson had attacked Bea and come out of it without a scratch to herself, that they reckoned that Bea’s testimony wouldn’t even have been necessary for a conviction. Bea is quite pleased with how all that tuned out, it’s worth every one of those scars knowing Ferguson will get what’s coming to her.

”Yeah. Wouldn’t want that hanging over you, either.”

”I just want things to settle down, so we can live our lives as well as we can in here,” Bea murmurs, playing a little with Allie’s fingers.

”Me too. Might be a while to go, though. I know a lot of people are feeling real shitty right about now. And they’ll be willing to do anything to get their hands on some gear.”

Bea nods, frowning. Things will probably get a lot worse before they get better. ”It’s hard to imagine there won’t be a while before the intake starts again. The screws will be forced to be on their toes now.”

”People are gonna lose their fucking minds. Kaz’ll have her hands full.”

”You think she’s up for it?” Bea is feeling skeptical.

”I’m honestly not sure. She isn’t great when things don’t go her way.”

”But this is what she wanted.”

”Yeah, well, when people start looking to her to fix all their problems, she probably won’t be as happy. It might be a bit of a mess, actually.”

”You think she’ll try and blame us for it?”

”Once I would have said no way, but I don’t even know anymore.” Allie’s eyes get a little blank.

Bea hesitates before speaking, not knowing exactly what Allie needs to hear. ”I’m really sorry you feel like you’ve lost her”, she murmurs. She means it, she knows Allie is hurting, and probably will be for a while.

Allie sighs, looking misty. ”Sometimes I wonder, did she know I was starving for someone to care about me?” Her voice is startlingly frail. ”Was that why she took me in? Because she knew it would be easy to get me to do what she wanted?”

Bea strokes Allie’s hair. It hurts her to see Allie sad like this. ”You’re questioning everything now, I understand that. But I do think she took you in because she cared. She’s not a monster.”

Allie makes a surprised face.

”No, not even _I_ think so”, Bea says, smiling a little. ”I just think she is too wrapped up in her own agendas to understand that she kind of used all of you girls for her cause. But I don’t think she sees it that way.”

Allie seems to take Bea’s words in and really think about them for a while. ”I don’t think so either. I think it would honestly destroy her if she thought like that. It wouldn’t go with the image she has of herself”, Allie says sadly.

”Well, for whatever it’s worth, I think you’re the best person I’ve ever met.” Bea bumps Allie’s shoulder lightly with her own.

A smile breaks free over Allie’s face, washing the sadness away. ”The weird thing is, I actually know you mean that.”

”Of course I do. Why else would I say it?”

”To get into my pants, maybe?” Allie wiggles her eyebrows.

Bea laughs. ”We both know I don’t need to sweet-talk you to get into your pants”, Bea teases, feeling surprisingly confident.

”Oh my God, Bea! Release your inner bitch, why don’t you!” Allie exclaims, seeming amused. ”It’s kind of hot to be honest”, she mutters, running her fingers over Bea’s collar.

Bea swallows the answer on the tip of her tongue when she hears commotion from the unit. They both rise from the bed to go outside to check what’s happening.

Everyone has gathered by the gate where Ms. Miles is delivering their dinner with the help of a few girls from G-block. Bea notices that only the most well behaved prisoners have been chosen for this task.

Apart from Bea, Allie and Maxine, everyone else have practically been climbing the walls all afternoon, and frustration is already running high.

”Aren’t you letting us out to shower, at least?” Doreen asks Ms. Miles, exasperated.

”Not today. Governor’s orders.”

”This is not right!” Doreen says.

”You can’t just keep us locked up like this”, Liz adds.

”Nothing I can do”, Ms. Miles says stoically, leaving them with their questions hanging in the air.

”What the bloody hell is going on out there?” Boomer calls after her, receiving no answer.

Maxine gives Bea a look, and Bea nods back. She supposes she ought to say something since this lock up seems last longer than she anticipated.

”Hey”, Bea says, so everyone can hear. ”Come over here.”

Everyone moves towards the table and settles down, their dinner trays in hand, looking at Bea expectantly.

”Now, this is just something I heard from Smiles earlier”, Bea begins quietly, careful not to reveal that she knows a lot more about this situation than she is about to let on. She knows that the fewer who know about her involvement in this, the better. ”Apparently they caught Mr. Stewart trying to smuggle some drugs in here.”

”No way!” Boomer blurts.

”You’re not serious!” Doreen says, outraged.

”From what I heard, he was packing a lot”, Bea continues.

”That explains it”, Liz sighs. ”No wonder they’re acting like this.”

”They’re panicking, you can bet your arses that Vinegar Tits is sweating bullets right now. She probably doesn’t know if there are other screws involved. That’s why she’s keeping us locked up. One less thing to worry about”, Bea whispers.

”The junkies are gonna freak”, Doreen says, a look of deep concern on her face.

”They probably already are”, Allie says. ”I mean, I would be.”

”Always thought he was shady”, Boomer states.

”No you didn’t”, Doreen laughs.

”Yeah, I did! Pretty men are not to be trusted, my mum always said.”

”Mr. Stewart is pretty?” Allie asks. ”I think he looks like one of those melty cartoon characters.”

”You don’t see it like the rest of us, cause you’re a lezzer”, Boomer declares.

”Got nothing wrong with my bloody eyes, though, do I?” Allie laughs.

”Okay”, Bea chuckles, waving her hand to interrupt. ”I’m just telling you this so you won’t go stir crazy in here. It might take them a while to let us out. Keep this to yourselves for now, though, ey?”

They all nod in agreement.

”At least they didn’t take my sedatives”, Sonia says brightly. "Now, I don’t mind sharing if someone gets claustrophobia tonight”, she offers with a generous smile.

”How the hell did you get to keep all those pills in your cell in the first place, ey Sonia?” Boomer asks curiously.

Sonia shrugs. ”I guess the governor didn’t think I had the look of a drug pusher. I suffer from both anxiety and depression, you know.”

”Who doesn't, in here. Different rules for different folks”, Doreen mutters, earning herself a shove from Liz. ”How long do you reckon they’ll keep us in here for?” Doreen asks Bea.

”Dunno. I guess it depends on what they found and where. It was a while when Mrs. Jackson died, wasn’t it?”

”Yeah, but that was different. This is a screw done something wrong this time”, Liz says.

”Doesn’t matter to them. It’s always us that takes the blow”, Doreen says darkly.

”Too bloody right”, Boomer agrees.

—

Voices yelling and chanting echoes outside the window of Bea’s cell as she and Allie settle for the night. It’s hard to make out what people are shouting, but it’s a lot of cursing at Vinegar Tits for not letting them out. Bea hopes they’ll get tired and settle down soon enough. Allie lays on her back, lifting her arm, allowing Bea to put her head on her shoulder.

It feels nice and safe and Bea burrows her face into Allie’s neck. Allie strokes her fingers through Bea’s hair, and eventually Bea tilts her head upwards so they can kiss. It’s soft and chaste until it’s not and Bea finds herself meeting Allie’s tongue with her own, moaning and pressing herself even closer.

There it is again, that pulsing, throbbing need that never seems to get sated. She pulls away with a gasp. ”Sorry”, she mutters self-consciously. ”I don’t mean to throw myself at you.”

”Are you fucking kidding me?” Allie asks, looking perplexed.

Bea blushes, feeling embarrassed and stupid. Not because of Allie, but because she doesn’t know how to act or what to say to properly get her meaning across. ”It’s… I mean, it can’t be normal to be like this?”

”What are you talking about?”

”You know what I mean.”

”What? This horny?” Allie quirks an amused eyebrow.

Bea glares at Allie.

”What? Isn’t that prim and proper enough for you Ms. Smith?” Allie teases.

”Stop it”, Bea laughs and swats Allie’s hand, feeling the nervous tension inside melt away. ”We already did it once today.”

”But you want to do it again.”

Bea blushes again and lowers her eyes. ”I don’t want to be too much. I understand if you think I am. I don’t want you to think you have to go along with things just because I can’t control myself.” Bea swallows a little. All she wants is to be near Allie all the time, but she doesn’t want to be clingy or too demanding, making Allie grow tired of her.

Allie looks at Bea for a long moment. ”Okay. Listen to me, because I need you to hear this. First off: I don’t go along with anything I don’t want. Seriously. You don’t ever have to worry about that”, Allie says, her voice stern but kind. ”Second: fuck normal. I couldn’t care less about what’s considered normal or not.”

”You’re so rebellious”, Bea snarks, making Allie smile.

”Third: If you want something from me, ask. I mean, you don’t have to verbally ask. Just, you know, do what you want and you’ll know the answer.” Allie sighs and strokes her fingers over Bea’s cheek. ”I love you, you fucking dimwit. And I want you all the time.”

Bea is overcome with so much affection for Allie that she can’t think of anything intelligent to say. She just kisses Allie and scratches her nails across Allie’s stomach, making her shudder.

”I’m guessing the answer’s yes?” Bea whispers.

Allie’s eyes flutters and she nods.

Bea traces her fingertips over Allie’s cheek and down to her mouth, traveling further down her neck, delighting in the goosebumps that follows. She is amazed how quickly Allie can ease her worries. It makes her feel brave and daring.

”I want to know everything about you”, Bea whispers. ”Everything you like.”

Allie flushes, and Bea can feel how a tremble rushes through Allie’s body. ”Everything is a big word. It might take you a while.”

”Good. That’s perfect”, Bea says, and gets to learning.

—

It’s late afternoon the next day when the gates finally opens again. Today has been worse, with people chanting and yelling about the screws and the governor all day through. Some people have been panicking from staying locked up so long, some are detoxing and are screaming and crying in agony.

There’s a long line to the showers, everyone wanting to get cleaned up in case they get locked up again. Some of the women look horrible, clearly coming off drugs and trying to hold it together. Those who are worst off probably isn’t even leaving the bunks, Allie told Bea.

“We should share to save time”, Allie says, eyeing the line behind them. “I promise I’ll behave”, she adds when Bea gives her a look of outrage. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

No one comments on it, everyone seems too wrapped up in talking about the unjustified lock up to care about Bea and Allie. They shower quickly, and Allie is true to her word and behaves, stopping at smirking suggestively at Bea.

When they’re about to leave the bathroom, Kaz and her crew breezes in, walking past the line, heading for the showers. Kaz nods towards Bea, a gesture of acknowledgement. She doesn’t look at all as pissed as she did last time. When Bea turns to walk away, Allie has already left. Bea has to hurry to catch up with her. She knows Allie wants to avoid Kaz, so she just gives Allie’s hand a squeeze of support, making Allie smile sadly.

—

Kaz comes into their unit a few hours later. When seeing Kaz, Allie stands up and walks to her cell, leaving the rest of their crew looking confusedly after her.

”I want to talk to Bea alone”, Kaz says. ”Piss off.” Everyone rises to leave, not making an effort to hurry. Kaz glares at Boomer who takes extra long to reach her cell. ”I misjudged you”, Kaz says after a while, when everyone has shut their doors. ”Thanks for holding up our deal.” Bea supposes that is as good an apology as she is ever going to get, not that she cares about that.

”I said I would.”

”Yeah, well. You’re not known to be the most reliable person around here”, Kaz says.

Bea snorts. ”Neither are you.”

Kaz steers the conversation in another direction. ”Tina’s in the slot. Think she’ll be in there a while. People are freaking out, there’s no gear anywhere. The cops swept this whole place yesterday.”

”You should talk to the governor about extending the methadone program, if she hasn’t already thought of that. That might help some of the women, at least.”

Kaz nods slowly. ”Yeah, I think I’ll do that. Isn’t much else I can do, is there?”

”Not really, if you want to keep the supply down.”

”I do. It’s not going to be easy.”

Bea feels like laughing. ”It’s not an easy job.”

”I’m figuring that out”, Kaz mutters, looking tired. She looks towards Allie’s cell. ”How’s she doing?”

”She’s fine. No thanks to you”, Bea says sharply.

”I lost my temper with her. I shouldn’t have”, Kaz says, looking honestly sorry. Bea has a hard time finding any sympathy for her. She would like to tell Kaz that this is about so much more than a slap or a single fight, but she doesn’t think it’s her place.

”No, you shouldn’t have.” Bea looks squarely at Kaz. ”If I didn’t respect her so much, I would have honoured my promise to you and broken your fucking arm. She wouldn’t like that, though.” She looks towards Allie’s cell. ”She is a much better person than either of us.”

”She is”, Kaz agrees softly. Surprisingly, she doesn’t seem provoked by the threat, she just looks sad. ”I do love her. She’s like a daughter, or a sister to me.”

For some odd reason, this moves Bea a little. As much as she dislikes Kaz, she wants Allie to have as much love as possible in her life. ”Give her some space. Maybe you two can start over some day.”

Kaz nods curtly, walking out of the unit, throwing one last glance at Allie’s door. Bea looks after her, then rises to follow Allie into her cell.

—


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for writing continues to be sparse for me in this new year. And this is story is coming to an end soon... Just two chapters to go! Thanks for reading. :)

—

Bea scans the crowded visitors centre before her eyes finally lock on Franky, who greets her with a big grin and open arms. Bea feels her own face light up at the sight of her friend, and she walks straight into Franky’s embrace.

”You did it”, Bea murmurs, squeezing Franky tight. ”Thank you.”

”Told you I’d take care of it, didn’t I”, Franky says and ruffles Bea’s hair when they part.

”Took you long enough”, Bea snarks with a smile, making Franky chuckle. They sit down, as close as possible so they can talk without anyone overhearing.

”Timing’s everything, you know. I think the cops were on his tail for weeks before making the bust.”

”They waited until he was on his way in with the gear?” Rumors have been flying, some more unbelievable than others, but except for the information Smiles let slip, Bea hasn’t heard anything but gossip.

”Yeah, and it he was packing a shitload, my contact told me. He’ll go down for years for this.”

Bea feels no shame about the deep, glowing satisfaction she feels about Mr. Stewart getting his comeuppance. ”I can’t thank you enough”, she says, feeling almost overcome with gratitude. Franky just waves her hand dismissively.

”Don’t mention it. So, how you doing, Red?”

”I’m just glad he’s gone”, Bea sighs. ”This place’s been a mess since, though. It’s just starting to calm down.”

Soon after Mr. Stewart’s arrest, the slot had been overflowing with addicts who acted out. Some who were really bad off got so sick they had to go to medical, a few were even hospitalized. Bea feels partly responsible for their suffering, no matter how much she tries to tell herself it was for a good cause, it has been eating at her.

Because of all the unrest, the governor had ordered that all the women would spend their afternoons and evenings locked up in their respective units. That hadn’t exactly made people happy. Kaz had tried to organize a protest against collective punishment, but the screws had come down hard on them, and ultimately it just resulted in even more time locked up, much to Kaz’s chagrin.

Finally, Ms. Bennett had come to some sort of agreement with Kaz to stop the lock downs, if Kaz could guarantee no one would cause trouble. It seems to be working so far, most of the women too relieved that they can finally move about the prison a bit more freely again to start anything.

”Yeah, I can imagine,” Franky sighs. ”The screws are a bit on edge, aren’t they? I had to strip for the first time since I left this place.”

”Really?” Bea supposes she shouldn’t be surprised. Ms. Bennett has just allowed visitor privileges again since the bust, and of course she is adamant not to let the drugs start flowing in again.

”Yeah. They told me I couldn’t come in and see you if I didn’t agree to it. Don’t know if they do this to everyone or just us ex cons.”

”I’m sorry. You didn’t have to agree to that.”

”It’s not that big a deal. It’s not like it was the first time I got Smiles peering up my arse. Told her I knew she’d missed our sessions together.” Franky smacks her tongue suggestively.

Bea laughs, imagining Smiles scowling at Franky. ”Oh, I bet you did.”

”I can’t exactly blame them for freaking out, much as I hate to say it. They’ve taken a hell of a beating in the media for this. Wentworth is known for corrupt screws now, and not just for housing Bea Smith: The Avenger.” Bea rolls her eyes as Franky chuckles at her own joke. ”I mean, first the Freak and now this bloke. I actually felt a little bad for Vinegar Tits for having to take all that heat. She did pretty well though, I thought.”

”Yeah, she did.” They had all seen Ms. Bennett on the news, and Bea had been impressed with how well she conducted herself. ”Think she’ll keep her job?”

”She came off really well on tv, even though they were coming after her pretty hard. Seems like they’re going after the system and not her, for now.”

Bea nods. ”That’s good.” Vera Bennett is a much better option for governor than any other Bea can imagine, so she hopes this doesn’t mean the end.

”So…” Franky says slowly, signaling she is changing the subject. ”How’s your girl?”

”She’s great. Yeah.” Bea blushes without really knowing why. Maybe it’s the way Franky looks at her, like she’s seeing right through her. ”She’s perfect.”

Franky lets out a big, kind laugh. ”Blimey, Red. I’d be disgusted if you weren’t so fucking cute right now. Does she know that you’re pretty much desperately in love with her?”

”I think so.” Bea thinks of Allie, feeling her insides grow warm. It doesn’t even occur to her to deny or downplay how she feels. It’s a solid part of who she is now. ”Yeah, she does.”

”Damn.” Franky shakes her head with an amused smile. ”To be honest, I always thought you’d play it a bit more cool, but you’re totally lost. I just have to look at you and see that there’s no hope left for you.”

”Fine by me”, Bea says softly. She _is_ hopelessly in love, and that idea once scared her, afraid that it would make her weak. But now it only makes her feel happy and strong. Like she could take on any hardship life could throw at her just to keep Allie by her side, and to keep nurturing their relationship.

”You know, I forget what a blushing flower you were when you first got in here. I should have known that you’d lighten up as soon as you’d get a good taste of the puss. Shame it took you so long.”

”Franky…” Bea sighs.

”What? Please don’t tell me you’re a pillow queen! I’d be so disappointed in you.”

”I don’t even know what that means.”

”Ah, Red. You’re such an innocent”, Franky coos. Bea swats Franky’s arm, making her giggle. ”I’d tell you but then you’d just get outraged at me.”

Franky just sits there smirking at Bea. Bea wants to just ignore her, but since she doesn’t know what the term means, she wants to know if it’s something bad. ”Fine, just tell me then!”

Franky gives her a appraising look that somehow manages to be suggestive at the same time. ”Basically one of those straight girls who just wants to get theirs, but never reciprocate.”

”Franky, that’s awful”, Bea says, slightly outraged by the suggestion. ”I’m not like that!”

”Well, that’s a bloody relief! You had me worried there for a second.”

Bea glares at Franky, who cracks up at the sight. ”You’re just teasing me”, Bea murmurs.

”Course I am.” Franky’s smile is warm.

Bea hesitates a moment before speaking. ”Actually… I’ve thought a lot about it, and I still don’t know what to call myself, but I know now that I’m definitely not straight.” She has never said that out loud before. She didn’t think it would matter much, but for some reason, she wants to make clear to Franky that this isn’t some relationship of convenience.

Franky gets a soft look in her eyes. ”Good for you. I guess Allie really opened your eyes to a lot of things, hasn’t she?”

”Yeah. She really has.” Bea fidgets a little, trying to deflect from her own awkwardness. ”I know I told you I’ve never felt like this before, but this is more than that. It’s like I’m completely changed, but more myself than I’ve ever been before.” Bea looks up from the table where she fixed her gaze. ”Does that sound super weird?”

”No”, Franky says, her voice nearly a whisper, touching Bea’s hand with her own, squeezing it for reassurance. ”No. It sounds great, actually.”

—

Bea looks through the unit as she gets back from her visit with Franky. ”Allie not here?” she asks Liz, who is knitting alone on the sofa.

”I think she’s with the governor”, Liz replies.

”What? Why?” Bea asks, instantly alarmed.

”I don’t know, love. Mr. Jackson came and got her a while ago.” Liz looks at her kindly. ”I wouldn’t worry about it, Bea”, she says. ”It didn’t seem like anything serious to me.”

Bea nods, but can’t help but worry anyway. All the years at Wentworth has put her on constant edge, always waiting for something to happen or go wrong. She tries not to let the anxiety take hold, and walks into her cell to find her drawing pad to divert her thoughts. She draws ugly, disproportionate hands until she finally sees Allie is lingering at her door.

She looks a little stunned standing there, like she just got off a violent carousel ride.

”What happened with the governor?” Bea asks, beckoning Allie down to the bed to sit opposite of her.

”The police came to talk to me”, Allie replies, sounding almost dazed.

Bea swallows, her throat suddenly dry. ”About what?” Allie sinks down on to the bed. Bea cradles Allie’s hand in hers. ”Sweetheart, what is it?” she asks, trying not to sound as frantic as she feels.

”Sorry. I’m a bit overwhelmed.” Allie entwines her fingers with Bea’s and draws a long breath, seemingly gathering herself. ”Apparently, Mr. Stewart has had some kind of come-to-Jesus moment and confessed to a lot of things.”

”Like what?” Bea presses when Allie doesn’t immediately continue.

”Like taking money from Ferguson, giving her drugs and letting her out of her holding cell so she could hot-shot me in the showers.”

Bea literally feels her jaw drop. ”You’re not serious”, she breathes, feeling her mind spinning like a satellite out of orbit. ”He actually _admitted_ to that?” It sounds almost too good to be true.

Allie nods, slowly. ”He must be pissing himself now that he’s on the wrong side of the bars. It seems like he made some sort of deal to hang Ferguson out to dry and knock off some time for himself. They wanted to question me again about that day, but I told them I didn’t remember anything, only that I hadn’t used myself because I was clean. It didn’t matter much that I don’t remember, though. Thanks to Mr. Stewart lagging on her, Ferguson’ll get charged for another attempted murder.”

Bea lets out a whoosh of air, coming from somewhere deep within. They know now, everyone knows what Ferguson did to Allie. And if she is somehow able to worm her way out of the charges against Bea, there will be this to fall back on.

Bea reaches out for Allie, who comes readily into the embrace. They’re grasping hard and tight at each other. ”Good. That’s good”, Bea murmurs, a little overcome. They’ve really made it through. She dares to think it now.

”Thank you for believing me”, Allie says into Bea’s neck. ”You’re the only one who really did.”

”Stop thanking me for that.” Bea strokes Allie’s hair behind her ear. ”I trust you. Always.”

”It just… it means a lot to me, more than I can explain.” Allie’s voice wobbles a little and her eyes are blank with a sheen of tears. Allie sighs, and crawls back into Bea’s arms. They hold on to each other for a long, long time. When Allie finally moves away, Bea wipes some fresh tears off Allie’s cheeks with her sleeve. ”Thanks”, Allie sniffles. ”So, what did Franky say?” she asks, attempting to steady herself.

”The usual.” Bea shrugs and Allie chuckles. She knows how relentlessly Franky is when it comes to teasing Bea. ”I told her I wasn’t straight.” Bea does her best to sound blasé about it.

Allie falls back on her arms a bit, regarding Bea with an amused expression. ”Wow… After months of eating pussy you _finally_ figured it out. Good on you, babe”, she says with a wink.

”Oh, haha. You sound just like Franky!” Bea snarks back with her cheeks flaming, making Allie laugh. ”Is this make fun of Bea-day or something?”

”Sorry”, Allie giggles happily, taking Bea’s hand.

”It’s not like it’s a new revelation or anything”, Bea says, looking at their interlocked fingers. ”It’s just, I’ve never said it out loud to anyone before. Not even to you.”

Allie rubs her thumb over Bea’s knuckles. ”I get it. It feels important to say it.”

”I didn’t think it would be, but it felt good.” Bea smiles gently. ”I love you”, she says, her voice steady, feeling how true it is with every fiber of her being.

Allie’s face lights up like a sunrise. ”I love you, too”, she breathes. ”I can’t believe that of all the places in the world, I’d find you in here.”

”Well”, Bea husks, her heart thumping pleasantly in her chest. ”You did find me.”

There’s just a breath between them, and then they’re kissing. Slowly, savoring the fact that there’s finally no immediate threat looming over them. Just this. Just them.

Maybe one day, Bea thinks, she’ll be able to kiss Allie without this wave of heat overcoming her and overshadowing everything else. This need is an unstoppable force. Bea couldn’t master it even if she wanted to. She doesn’t know if she pushes Allie down on the bed, or if Allie drags her down, or both, but soon they’re pulling each other’s clothes off, piece by piece, in an indelicate dance on the covers.

As soon as she tosses Allie’s bra to the floor, Bea bends down to cover Allie’s breasts with kisses. One of the first things she thought of when they first got naked together was how startlingly soft Allie was. Bea still loves the feel of all that creamy skin and how Allie’s nipples tighten under her tongue. She listens to Allie’s sweet gasps of pleasure guiding her along.

They pull the last few scraps of clothing off, and then they’re all skin against skin, the sensation making a shudder run through Bea’s spine. When she feels Allie hot and slick agains her stomach, Bea sighs and reaches for her without hesitation. Allie is startlingly wet after such a short amount of time. Bea basks in it, the slippery velvet under her fingertips.

”You feel so good”, Bea whispers and Allie gasps and pulls her down for a kiss that is ripe with want. When she slides inside, Allie meets her immediately, clenching to envelope her fingers. ”God, I love this”, Bea chokes out, unable to help herself.

”Yeah?” Allie moans and Bea can feel her flutter around her fingers, getting wetter by the second.

Realizing how much just those few word seems to turn Allie on, Bea feels any inhibitions she had left melt away. ”Yeah”, she says as she thrusts a little more forcefully. ”So much. I can’t wait for you to feel how wet it makes me.”

”Bea”, Allie gasps, her hips jerking involuntarily and her eyes roll back into her head. She has already started to shake, and Bea has never felt power like this. ”Ah. Tell me. Please.” Allie’s voice is tinted with desperation and she digs her nails into Bea’s arse, dragging her even closer. ”Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

Bea thinks for only a moment before deciding. ”This”, she whispers, moving her fingers in a circular motion against the spot she knows will drive Allie absolutely wild. The unadulterated reaction of pleasure she coaxes out of Allie makes her throb.

”Fuck”, Allie whines and her eyes pop open, almost in shock. She looks foggy with arousal. ”You want me to?” she asks hotly.

”Yes”, Bea breathes, she bites her lip, deciding to give Allie what she seems to crave. ”All I want is for you to fuck me, just like this.”

”Oh my God, Bea”, Allie moans uncontrollably and Bea pushes into her with even more purpose, chasing everything. Bea has never felt Allie get this wet this fast before. This talking thing really seems to work, she thinks, as Allie urges her on.

”Just like this”, Bea whispers and twists her fingers, making Allie buck and shudder. ”I can’t wait to feel you inside me.”

”Fuck, _fuck_ ”, Allie groans through clenched teeth. After a few firm, long thrusts of Bea’s fingers, Allie lets out a high pitched scream, and Bea has to press her hand against her mouth to silence her. The desperate disbelief in Allie’s voice is like music to Bea and the viselike contractions around her fingers as Allie climaxes makes her lightheaded.

Allie takes her sweet time to recover, and Bea just enjoys staring at her chest heaving, glistening with sweat. ”Where the hell did that come from?” Allie pants, when she eventually regains her breath.

Bea shrugs, blushing a little. She can’t believe she just said all those things, even though she meant every word. ”It's always you who’s doing all the talking”, she murmurs, biting her lip. ”I thought you’d maybe like to listen for once.”

Allie laughs, a sweet-sounding peal of laughter that is the loveliest sound Bea has ever heard. ”Good thinking, babe.” Allie rolls over on her side to look at Bea. ”So. I think you had some requests?” She drags her finger from Bea’s sternum down to her bellybutton. Her eyes are gleaming with promise, making Bea swallow nervously and feel the insistent throb between her legs intensify.

—


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we've reached the end of the road. 
> 
> This was supposed to be a rather short fix-it fic to calm my nerves after the season finale, and it turned out to be so much longer than I originally intended. I want to thank everyone who's commented and left kudos. You're the reason I was inspired to really roll with this. I appreciate every single one of you so much! I hope I'll see you around the fandom in the future.
> 
> Much love!

—

Allie’s touch is light and teasing, and her eyes are so intense that Bea is sure she could drown in her gaze. They kiss, and Allie seems to have put any urgency to the side, kissing Bea like they’ve got all the time in the world, murmuring words of affection as she lets her mouth travel down over Bea’s neck and shoulders down to her breasts.

Bea squirms against Allie’s mouth. She is so worked up from making Allie come that her skin is scorching, every part of her searching for Allie, begging for her touch. The insistent pulse between her legs is maddening, making her press herself up against Allie, who is letting her hands travel downward much too slowly.

When Allie finally puts her hand between Bea’s legs, Bea’s head rolls back on her shoulders.

”Oh, babe”, Allie sighs, letting her fingers dip into the well of wetness between Bea’s legs. ”You weren’t lying. Is this what fucking me does to you?”

It’s a rhetorical question because the answer is obviously at Allie’s fingertips, but Bea understands that Allie wants them to keep talking. ”Yeah”, she husks. She’s having a hard time concentrating already.

Allie smiles indulgently, letting her fingers slip over Bea.

Bea needs more than she thinks she’s ever needed anything before, but she realizes she has to say it. ”Please, don’t tease, just…” Allie stares, her face awash with marvel, and lets a finger slip inside. ”Yes”, Bea gulps, feeling her inner muscles grasping at Allie, her hands traveling encouragingly over Allie’s back.

Allie is moving her finger slowly, and it’s good, but not enough. There was a time when just the thought of this kind of sex would make Bea feel unsure if she could ever enjoy it, but as time has gone on and she has learned all about what it’s really supposed to be like, any apprehension has vanished. Allie makes her feel so safe and brave, like she can actually ask for what she wants. So she does.

”You don’t have to be careful”, she whispers, her hand cupping Allie’s cheek. ”I want to really feel you.”

In the same moment she says it, Bea feels Allie shudder and let go of some shard of control Bea didn’t know she had been holding on to.

An eager twist of Allie’s fingers, and then she’s there, deep and just right, her fingers filling Bea perfectly. ”Yes. Yes, like that”, she moans when Allie curls her fingers.

Bea’s body is already wound tight as a string, and she works herself up on her elbows to meet the thrusts of Allie’s hand, urging Allie to push firmer into her. Her movements are instinctual, chasing every last ounce of pleasure Allie is giving her.

”God, you feel amazing”, Allie gasps, her eyes flickering between Bea’s legs and up to her face, a look of pure want burning in her eyes. She moves to rest her thumb on Bea’s clit. ”I wanna make you come so hard.”

White flashes of pleasure blurs Bea’s vision and there’s a deep throb inside that makes her lose her breath. She is already close, but she isn’t ready. ”Not yet”, she chokes, desperate to hold on to this a little longer.

Allie smiles devilishly and moves her thumb away, just a few millimeters. ”I love it when you tell me what to do”, she says, her breath strained with the effort of her movements.

Bea wishes she could counter with something cheeky, but there isn’t a thought left in her brain. She just lets the her body do the talking, pulling desperately at Allie, wanting her closer and deeper than ever.

Allie is right there with her, perfectly in tune with Bea’s body and it’s responses, knowing exactly what to do at every turn. She puts her left hand at the small of Bea’s back, tugging so Bea is almost in her lap, and oh, that new angle is _perfect_. Bea hears sounds falling from her own mouth, but can do nothing to stifle them, which seems to get Allie even more worked up than before. Bea feels a burning at her scalp, at the pads of her feet. She is speeding towards something huge with every stroke of Allie’s fingers. It’s so close now she can taste it.

There’s a pressure, low down in her abdomen, different than what she is used to.

”I-I think I’m gonna…” she manages between breathless moans.

”I know. Just let go, babe”, Allie whispers, her fingers even more insistent. ”Just let it happen.”

Then Allie brushes her thumb against Bea’s clit, and it’s like an avalanche. Bea feels herself tumble, completely losing focus. There is nothing but this wonderful, violent, pulsing pleasure. It goes on for so long, Bea thinks she might actually pass out from the force of it.

When she recovers her senses, her body heavy and sated, she can feel wetness staining her thighs, and the sheet under her too. Allie's hand and arm are glistening with it.

"What happened?” Bea asks, shocked.

”You just came really hard”, Allie says, her face slack with desire. ”It was fucking beautiful”, she insists, sensing Bea’s embarrassment but not allowing it to take hold. She presses Bea back down to the bed, kissing her hungrily. ”God, you drive me mad”, Allie pants. ”Completely out of my fucking mind.”

Letting herself get swept away again, Bea kisses Allie back with equal fervor.

—

Both of them thoroughly exhausted and pleasantly numb, they eventually venture out of the cell in to a quiet unit. They smile softly at each other, just the loving glint in Allie’s eyes making Bea blush happily. She can’t quite believe Allie can still make her blush with just a look after everything they’ve done together, but there it is. She hopes it will never change.

”You think we scared them away?” Bea asks apprehensively after looking around and finding all the other cells empty. There is no way anyone could have missed what they had been up to if they had been close by. Bea knows she has never been louder and Allie did absolutely nothing to help her keep the noise down, instead seeming to get completely drunk on the desperate moans she coaxed out of Bea.

”Nah. No one was here when I came back. They’re probably out enjoying their new freedom in the yard.”

Bea reckons Allie is right. Everyone had been elated when the lock-ups stopped and are making the most of it. ”Fuck freedom. I’m happy never leaving this unit ever again”, she husks, earning a brilliant smile and a kiss from Allie.

”You’re on”, Allie says. ”I’d kill for a snack though”, she states, and starts raiding the cupboards, reaching for a package of biscuits only to find it empty. Allie eyes the useless package with a disappointed frown.

”It’s dinner in twenty minutes”, Bea chuckles.

”Ah, shit. Are you serious? How long were we in there?”

Bea blushes happily. ”A good long while.”

”Emphasis on good?” Allie teases.

”You know that…” Bea murmurs, tugging at Allie and kissing her again.

”Oi! Lovebirds!” Boomer shouts as she and Maxine comes through the gate. ”Been fucking all afternoon, have you? Bea looks happy so I reckon you have. She always looks happy after.”

Even though she sputters with embarrassment, Bea can’t quite wipe the smile of her face. Allie laughs, putting a supportive hand on Bea’s back. Maxine just smiles and shakes her head at Boomer.

”Or, don’t tell me. Might upset my stomach”, Boomer snarks with a good natured grimace. Allie chucks the package she’s been holding in Boomer’s direction, without putting much effort into hitting her. ”Hey!” Boomer exclaims.

”It’s not our fault you can’t stop thinking about us fucking, is it?” Allie jests and Bea rolls her eyes. ”And save some of the biscuits for the rest of us next time, yeah?”

—

Bea feels a need to stay close to Allie, even more than usual. She searches for her hand over the table at dinner, leaning into her in the couch playing cards with the girls after lock up. She just wants to feel her near, not leaving her side for more than a few moments.

She glances at Allie’s profile, taking in her features, finding that she loves each one and how they together form the loveliest face she has ever seen. She always thought Allie was beautiful, but now she is practically blinded by it, to the point that she messes up her game and loses big. She couldn’t care less.

After the game, Boomer gets out her radio and blasts it on the highest volume. Sonia takes that as her cue to retire for the night, but the rest of them stay put, swaying a little on the couch. When a slow rap song, only vaguely familiar to Bea, comes on Allie let’s out a joyful shout. ”Yes!” She squeezes Bea’s thigh. ”Babe, this was my song back in the day!”

Bea grimaces teasingly and gives Allie a look that is supposed to say _’Really? This?’_

Allie joins Boomer, who has already dragged Doreen to the floor, moving to the mellow beat. Allie and Doreen starts to rap along with the lyrics, seemingly knowing every line. The lyrics are pretty dirty, and Allie obviously enjoys spitting them in front of Bea. Allie leans down over Bea and raps ”keep going till you hit the spot, _whoa!_ ” and Bea just laughs because it’s so ridiculous, and yet so sweet. Allie sashays in front of Bea, her movements and face mockingly seductive. Bea lets Allie pull her from the sofa to join the dancing, and she forgets to say that she doesn’t dance, that she can’t.

But it’s simple. She just follows the beat.

—

Allie has just finished brushing her teeth when she turns around, noticing that Bea is watching her from the bed, her head propped up on her hand.

”What?” Allie asks with a smile, knowing from the look on Bea’s face that she is thinking nice things about her.

”Deb would have liked you.” Bea voice is so soft that Allie almost misses it.

Allie’s heart skips a beat. ”You think?”

”Yeah”, Bea says, a smile ghosting her lips. ”I do.”

Allie actually blushes and sinks down to the bedside. Bea saying that means a lot more to Allie than she can express. She knows Bea keeps Debbie close to her heart at all times. Knowing she herself has a place there is a nice feeling. These bursts of talking about Debbie comes more and more frequently, and Allie can tell that it isn’t just sorrow - there is tremendous joy in the way Bea talks about Debbie now. Like she is finally able to enjoy some of the good memories. Allie loves that Bea wants to share those with her.

”I think she’d be happy for us”, Bea muses, looking wistful. ”Once when she was little, around six or seven, she’d been to a friends house. The girl’s parents were one of those absurdly happy couples, you know? And when she came home she looked at me, her little face so serious, and said ’I wish dad was kind to you, and made you laugh sometimes’.” A shadow passes over Bea’s face as she speaks. Allie feels, for the hundredth time, upset that Harry Smith is dead so she won’t have the pleasure of stomping on his face. ”I know she’d like how kind you are to me, the way you take care of me and make me feel like life in this place can be good. She’d love you just for that. But I think she’d really love you for who you are too. Just like I do.”

”You both have great taste, obviously”, Allie jokes, because otherwise she might cry.

Bea smiles indulgently, like she knows that Allie is deflecting. ”I’m serious. I would have been proud for you to meet her.”

”Yeah?” Allie asks, her voice smaller than she intended. ”You’d really want that? I don’t exactly have a conventional past.”

”I don’t care about that. And what’s so great about being conventional anyway?”

Allie chuckles. ”Sounds like something I’d say.”

Bea smiles again. ”Well. You’re a good influence on me.” She touches Allie’s cheek. ”I’m so proud of what we have together. Do you know that?”

Allie swallows at the growing lump in her throat. She is unusually lost for words, and Bea is more open and willing to talk than she has ever been. It’s fitting, Allie thinks.

”Her whole life, Debbie saw her dad kicking me around. It was all she knew about relationships. Maybe that’s why she died, because she thought she had to go along with whatever some man told her. I don’t know.” Sympathy and pain wells up in Allie’s chest and she touches Bea’s hand to stop her from blaming herself, although she knows she probably can’t. Bea squeezes Allie’s fingers, giving her a nod of assurance. ”But that’s not the point. The point is, I was a shitty role model to her in that regard. Relationships. And I’d love for her to know that I’m capable of having a relationship with someone who loves and respects me. I’d want her to see what real love looks like.”

Allie feels her self restraint dissolve, and tears starts to brim over the edges. ”You really feel that way?”

Bea nods slowly. ”You make me happy”, Bea whispers. ”The world is ugly, but you make me forget. You’ve given more than I ever dared to hope for.”

Allie tries to take all that in, it’s so huge she feels like she might burst.

”You okay?” Bea asks, her palm again soft against Allie’s cheek.

”Okay? I’m fucking spectacular! Even though you made me cry for the second time today.” Allie laughs through the tears. She knew Bea loved her, of course, but hearing her say all these things are more than a little overwhelming. ”No one’s ever felt that way about me.” She recalls how besotted she was with Bea, how it sometimes felt hopeless and unthinkable that anything would ever happen. And then she would catch Bea’s gaze over the yard and feel the hope flare up in her chest. All that waiting, all the shit they have endured, is all worth it. More than.

Bea’s eyes are bright and curious. ”I can’t believe that.”

”I’ve told you”, Allie points out.

”I know. But I still can’t believe it. You’re the perfect girl.” There is such sincerely in the way Bea says this that Allie cannot doubt her for a second.

Allie feels herself beam with pure happiness. ”No. I’m not. Far from it. But maybe I’m perfect for you?”

Bea’s face lights up, mirroring Allie’s own expression. Bea’s smile puts everything else in the world to shame. Allie’s been addicted making Bea smile since she first saw Bea curl her mouth slightly upwards in her direction. She knows that this kind of smile is the kind that is just for her.

Bea takes Allie’s hand in hers, her hazel eyes glowing with affection. ”No doubts about it”, she murmurs, and pulls Allie down to the bed.

—

fin.


End file.
